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    1. #1
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      I really appreciated the idea of journaling this process, to have a place to come anytime and work through whatever NOT drinking brings up, or in the event that I slip, a documentation, confession, etc?to reflect upon and hopeful support of others along the way. I hope this is the correct place on the forum to do this. Here goes?

      Today is my 3rd day AF. I am currently unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands, which is challenging. It's amazing how much time is used up being wasted, passed out, hungover and recovering. Now I'm well rested, sober and have plenty of energy?Now I want to find positive, productive, healing things to do with my ample time. There were countless times that I drank out of sheer boredom. So, I'm trying to look at this as positively as possible. I'm trying to treat this as my own 'intensive care unit', a womb for re-birth, if you will. I realize how fortunate I am to have this opportunity. I have no relationship, job or any other potential hinderance (or excuse!) to veer away from this process. It's time to take responsibility and stop running from me.

      It's amazing to me what even a few days of abstaining does for mental and emotional clarity. Already I'm seeing the self destructive patterns I've established in my life. I can see how I set up things in a viscous cycle. My boss, my boyfriend, my alcohol?all abusive. I did this. I sought it out, I perpetuated it and I fed it, one with another to keep it alive & thriving. This sux to look at and accept. I HAVE to get to the bottom of why I feel I deserve this kind of punishment; virtual annihilation. Why I have become such a masochist. I have been an active participant is the destruction of me. This is really painful to dissect. I'm sure it goes way back and the unraveling is essential. Not to dwell on, or blame anyone, but to find the original (and subsequent) wound/s so it can be attended to. I've no need to harbor animosity or aggression toward anyone. My parents didn't mean to damage me, and the people in my adult life who did damage me deliberately, well I let them. And I did my fair share of damaging as well. This acknowledgment is crucial to healing, but damn it's f'ugly.

      If I'm really honest with myself, I've been dealing with this self-loathing long before I started drinking. It's been with me a very long time. Perhaps the pain just became too much and I began looking for a way to physically feel the pain I was emotionally experiencing. Alcohol is great for that!

      Sorry for the ramble, had to get the clutter outta my head. Here's to today, a day without poison! Grateful for this forum and the wonderful souls to share it with. :h

    2. #2
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      aihflvt's Avatar

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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      A friend once advised me to write every time I felt like drinking. It was good advice, and it sounds like you're starting in the right direction. Write away - no pun intended.

    3. #3
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Hiya Persephone,

      Great to see you here, and thanks for sharing your thoughts/feelings. I relate to a lot of what you have said. Congratulations on 3 days AF. That is a fantastic achievement. Keep it going friend!

      Bravo!

      G bloke.

    4. #4
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Persephone1;1452668 wrote:
      It's amazing to me what even a few days of abstaining does for mental and emotional clarity. Already I'm seeing the self destructive patterns I've established in my life. I can see how I set up things in a viscous cycle.
      Loved your blog, and the above part is so true!

      Stay strong, keep writing we are here to help!

    5. #5
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Wow, Persephone, those are some powerful realizations and ones that really hit home to me. I don't think I've ever really thought about how much self-loathing I've done my whole life until reading this.

      Since my late teens I've been the one in the family that no one has had to worry about. Always had my shit together (on the outside, anyway), following the path to success and achieving beyond anyone's dreams for me. No one knows that it's all a farce and how much of a train wreck I've been on the inside. No one ever notices and tries to reach out and help me.

      I feel sometimes like no one really knows me nor really cares to. There is not one person on this earth who truly knows the real me and looks out for me so I can sit back and let them take care of things for a while. I always need to be so strong and to always be fighting the world. I mean, what's wrong with me? Why is it so easy for other people to be vulnerable and ask for help (through words or actions) but I just can't? I can't let anyone know that I am anything short of perfectly fine in every way.

      I think I thought AL was helping me to quash those feelings but AL ends up just making me feel even worse. It's a short term benefit that pays you back with a long term deficit. Now I am needing to re-evaluate my relationships without AL.

    6. #6
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Hey Siren,

      You know what? You'll be okay.

      Do what you have to do. :l

    7. #7
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Hey Persephone,

      Best wishes for your journey. Totally identify with the self-loathing.
      As you say heres to 'today', a day without POISON

      Siren can identify with you also on always being the 'strong' one, its ok for us to admit and accept our weaknesses

    8. #8
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Boredom, self-loathing, and perfectionism are factors that I read about again and again on this site. Seems that some things are universal to the majority of us. Persephone so much of this journey is psychological; learning how to live our lives, learning our new normal. Congratulations on 3 days.

    9. #9
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      Day 4 Poison Free

      'Preciate the words of encouragement: Flyaway, Sweetpea, Guitarista, Siren, Martye and aihflvt. It's really wonderful to be a part of a community, something lacking in recent days.

      I've decided that one of the 'check-boxes' in the plan is going to be checking in here daily, preferably at the start of the day. I really need some structure and self-discipline. Secondly, upon further reflection, I want to make a confession. I became a huge liar while in hell. Oh sure, some were just embellishments, but others were bold-faced LIES! This is a fun one. Adding another 'check-box': Today I will be true in word and deed.

      Siren,
      It seems we all have ingrained, learned 'coping skills' that have kept us tangled up. It's like at one time they served us but now they're just a hinderance. One of the common denominators of those on here who have some sobriety time seems to be the conscious effort to change these thoughts followed by habitual reactions. You know, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result?" I hope, even if its teeny baby steps, that you can reach out and get the support you desire. You have a friend here, so feel free anytime.

      Lastly, upon waking today I realized how freakin' WONDERFUL is it NOT to wake up with a hangover! I do know that this will become 'normal' in time, but for now I am enjoying it! I live in a tiny cabin on a lake and it's super warm here today and raining. The fog is hanging over the water and it's spectacular! So nice to enjoy nature again.

      Cheers to today, a day free of poison! P & L MWO peeps...

    10. #10
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      Persephone's Ascent from Hell

      It does feel good, doesn't it? You know, I think I've been taking that for granted because it has become my new normal. I quite clearly remember waking up at 3am hating myself and saying "never again" time after time, but it's been a while since I thought about how grateful I am to wake up without a hangover. Thanks for the reminder.

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