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  1. #1
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    29th September, 2013.
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    Justified or just a bad mother?

    I'm not even sure where to start. 15 years ago or July of this year? A little history might be in order before I get crucified for being a bad mother. 15 years ago my daughter, Susan, was 10 years old. Her father remarried a woman who hated me with such passion her life's goal was to destroy my relationship with Susan. She succeeded. I tried my best to prevent this from happening but she was determined to get me out of the picture completely. Few people have heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome but this was one of the most severe cases my attorney ever saw and my ex even told me to my face that it was his goal to never pay child support again and he would take any means to succeed.

    So over the last 15 years I have tried to reach out to her. Give her birthday and Christmas cards with money in them with never a thank you or a follow up dinner as she would promise me. Several years ago I moved two states away to marry a wonderful man with 3 kids. So along with my youngest daughter, Kylie, who's 16 now we live in a loving, conflict free house. We even join my husbands ex and her family for every birthday and holiday.

    Fast forward 15 years and Susan moved to the state I moved to but didn't want to be in my life. She wanted to be around a certain community known for its relaxed view on drug use and hippy life style. In July she was struck by car while riding her bike. She was air lifted to a hospital two blocks from my place. Her injuries were quite severe and she required 7 surgeries in the 5 weeks she was there. Since her dad lived out of state I brought her home to rehab with me. I visited her every in the hospital. She refused to eat the food at the hospital so I brought her take out food every day. Not fast food but expensive takeout every day.

    When we brought her home we bought her a bed, set it up in Kylie's room, the only place it would fit and bought a hospital table among other things to make her comfortable. Due to the fact that Kylie barely knows her and has seen how Susan has treated me over the years, she rarely comes home. Susan has been here over a month, I bring her 3 meals a day, plus snacks and filtered water which only comes from the kitchen downstairs. We have spent thousands on medical supplies, food she deems acceptable, clothing, furniture, outings for her and her friends, the list goes on and on.

    when I was sick a few years ago and needed 2 Brain surgeries and heart surgery she never came to visit much less called the hospital to say hi. I almost died, twice, and nothing. She in visiting her dad soon because my husband and I are going away for the weekend for a trip we planned 2 months ago for our anniversary. She has to go to her dads because she's unavailable to completely care for herself or the pets we have. I want to see how she treats me while she's gone. I truly feel she doesn't love me but is using me until the lawsuit is over with lady who ran her over is completed. When she leaves for her dads I want to see if she reaches out without an agenda to contact me. Otherwise I feel I should pack up her stuff and put in storage and her dad who created this can take care of her.

    My youngest has literally been ousted from her home and rarely comes home. I can't blame her since her private space has been taken over by a pot smoking, hippy who let's her private parts hang out to be exposed to anyone who comes in her room.

    The guilt I feel for having these thoughts is killing me. But youngest is my priority and I know Susan wants to return ASAP after our short vacation. Before the accident I hadn't seen Susan for 7 months even after I repeatedly asked her to join me for lunch. Her response to my requests was 'I'm in a happy place now'.

    she has no job, no place to live, no means of supporting herself. I know when she gets her money from the accident she won't offer to reimburse us the thousands we've spent on her and I wouldn't accept it anyhow. And I know she'll leave and I'll be nothing to her again.

    Since all this happened I started using coke, not in huge quantities but it does seem to help with getting me out of bed to face the onslaught of demands I know that wait for me. My husband is unaware of my use. I prefer coke over alcohol due to calorie intact. How's that for justified behavior?

    But the guilt is crushing me.

  2. #2
    Forum Subscriber. Byrdlady's Avatar

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    4th February, 2010.
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    Justified or just a bad mother?

    Phat, I'm so sorry for all of the trials and tribulations you've had. I'm not sure that you will get the RIGHT support you need, this is really an ALCOHOL abuse forum, we do have some folks with experience in the other areas, but primarily we have trouble with drinking! If the same principles apply tho... we have a couple of basics around here. Get all of the substances OUT of your space and vow to buy no matter what. Keep yourself hydrated, and keep your belly full of food. I always encourage new members to read thru the Tool Box (link in my signature line) for tips and tricks to help you, but again, these are geared for us Alkies. I wish you all the best and hope we can help in some way! Byrdie

  3. #3
    Registered User. little beagle's Avatar

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    28th April, 2013.
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    Justified or just a bad mother?

    What what a huge stress. I am so sorry. I seriously hope you reconsider the coke though. It is very addictive and destructive. I know from personal experience. We are here to give support for those troubled people who want to stop doing what's destructive to them and make their life better.
    I hope you stick around and read through the tool box. There is much useful information in there such as how to survive cravings and what addiction truly is. I am an alcoholic first but have found many useful things here to help me get through some tough situations.
    If you need to talk further you can private message me. I can at least listen and that is a big help a lot of the time. Have a good anniversary and leave the stress behind.
    One thing we learn here is to take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions. Your daughter could use a big dose of that in my opinion.

  4. #4
    Registered User. available's Avatar

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    1st November, 2011.
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    Justified or just a bad mother?

    Hi Phat and welcome. LB i totally agree with the big dose of responsibility from the daughter. As much as we love our children and would do anything for them there comes a point where you just cant do it anymore. I am lucky that my children show respect to me as a mother and their friend.

    As hard as it is Phat you seriously have to think about keeping on helping your daughter. She very much sounds as if she expects this help from you as you owe her something. You have been there and done that and tried for years without any response and your other daughter is being affected which must be difficult for her. You need to prioritise your daughter that lives with you and the other one should just appreciate having a roof over her head. If she doesnt then the front door is open for her to leave. Sorry but this is my opinion on how i feel and would you tolerate this behaviour if it was from a friend, no i dont think so.

    I hope it all works out for you and as a mum you ultimately will decide the best course of action to take.

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