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  1. #21
    Forum Subscriber. NoSugar's Avatar

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    Re: International Army August 2020

    I put that first drink in the ‘illicit sex’ category. It would be a rush but accompanied by so much guilt, worry, and ultimately, regrets and self-hatred, that it’s just not worth risking what I have now - contentment and peace.


  2. #22
    Registered User. rustop59's Avatar

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    Re: International Army August 2020

    Evening everyone. Some interesting reminiscing. Think we all loved that first buzz but know at this stage what comes after. Really not worth it. We are so lucky to be dealing with this pandemic sober. On my holidays now for two weeks. Going west again on Friday for a week. Meeting up with friends a few of the days before I leave. Looking forward to it.

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  4. #23
    Forum Subscriber. IamMary's Avatar

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    Re: International Army August 2020

    yep, plenty of times over the past few months I have been so grateful not to be still on the wagon. Internet playing up, night all. x
    AF - July 19th 2015

  5. #24
    Registered User. Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)'s Avatar

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    Re: International Army August 2020

    Another late one for yours truly, some interesting comments on ‘the first buzz’ today. I can only speak personally and yeah it is good, that first one almost feels like a ‘life saver’ some days, how ironic is that, how far from the truth, oh how the brain is fooled. Once started again within a period of days, no probably weeks, this buzz sneakily disappears followed almost unnoticed by ‘need’ that tells us AL is bigger and more important than anything else. We may try fight it or we don’t, we may fool ourselves into thinking we genuinely mean it every single morning, that’s enough. And some days we even manage it, and how happy the next morning we are, how proud of our resolve, our inner strength, we can tame the beast if only we have the will power. We see how all the evidence points one way, yes if we can finally accept the truth, alcoholic. But this is only the first step. Despite the stigma, our obvious inherent weakness that led us to become this thing, this being deprived of self esteem. We accept, we make plans, we try oh how we try, we do change, we really change, we work hard at this, so hard. We listen, we read, we ask and seek advice, we are grateful, so very grateful for the gift of a second or is it third or maybe forth chance. We congratulate ourselves when we reach small milestones, then the bigger ones. We feel pride in ourselves, what a strange alien feeling that is, and we accept the kind words of people we have perhaps known online for years, but never really know and most of whom we have never or will never meet. The group of people who have been to the places we have been and come out the other side and many who haven’t.
    Some of us have been to the truly dark places and come back, some have been lost. Some have been denied the chance to ever escape this fucking horrible existence by taking the cowards way out. During the darkest days it has been considered that ones loved ones would be better off without the shell of a person they once knew. But somewhere deep down a candle still flickers inside us, never underestimate the power of the human spirit, it’s what makes us human. My darkest days are behind me now and never again will I contemplate the unthinkable but getting a grip on this addiction is proving so much harder as time goes by. How much happier, less anxious life was when the poison was out of the picture but somehow, yes somehow a door was allowed to open a crack and it was back to square one or minus one that should read. How did it ever get to this we can ask ourselves.
    Still reading, occasionally posting and never giving up hope.
    Take care.
    Last edited by Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB); August 2nd, 2020 at 08:24 PM. Reason: Still can’t spell, as for my grammar.....
    Alcohol makes me sick.

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  7. #25
    Registered User. rustop59's Avatar

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    Re: International Army August 2020

    Good morning everyone. What a beautiful post Tabs and yes never give up hope. There is obviously a part of you that wants to get back to where you once were. I was a regular starter and stopper and really did not ever think it would ever stick. In fact I refused to count days at the beginning of this quit as I had failed so often and I felt it was putting pressure on myself, just took it one day at a time. Kind of sorry now a few years in when I see the shouty out thread but it is what it is. Others here felt re-hab was what they needed. Just reading and checking in is a step in the right direction and any help we can give, just ask.

    Waves to everyone else. Had a lie in this morning, slept until 8:30, normally awake at 6.30. Holiday mode must be kicking in.

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  9. #26
    Registered User. mollyka's Avatar

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    Re: International Army August 2020

    It IS a wonderful post..good morning btw!

    I'm still on phone but would love to comment on sections of post just too complicated...and yes ..for some it takes more than others..I had 3 years messing around trying to stay quit..6 months here 4 months there and then the inevitable...a wise woman said to me in that time that if there was ANYTHING I wouldn't do to get and keep sober I didn't really want to..so when my son told me he had investigated and my medical cover would let me go to rehab free I had mixed feelings..I was so full of the 'I'm not that bad'..and from a very long distance I now know that the quantity has NOTHING to do with it...absolutely nothing...if 3 glasses of wine 3 days a week upsets you or anyone close to you well then there's something wrong

    So with mixed feelings I agreed to go to treatment..probably a lot of that was to stop family moaning
    Oney sent me a message from her Dad who went to the same rehab not to waste a second of my time and the same wise person told me to leave my brains (and my pride) at the front door..and the rest of it as they say...is history ;-) not that I take this for granted..I'm an armbend away from relapse...but yeah...AND I went to AA ..all the things I said I would never do..because you see...I believed them..I knew they knew more than me and I handed myself over.

    Sometimes just 'wanting' something just isn't enough..Anyway

    Going home today...yuck!
    Last edited by mollyka; August 3rd, 2020 at 03:18 AM.
    Contentedly sober since 27/12/2011
    contentedly NF since 8/04/14

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  11. #27
    Registered User. mollyka's Avatar

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    Re: International Army August 2020

    Just read that back and in no way am i saying everyone should go to rehab...the stage I had got to I reckon I'd have done this on my own but it was to be sure and I deffo don't regret it..but so many clowns down there to escape court cases or to avoid a divorce or losing a job..it was box ticking and 1st opportunity they were back in the pub..so yeah you need to do it yourself then if you need a bit of help..go for it...and I can honestly say now I am proud of being a recovering alcoholic and if you feel shame after you've quit? What is that about? Does one feel shame because they were fat or smoked? I'm dead proud of myself...so there!!
    Contentedly sober since 27/12/2011
    contentedly NF since 8/04/14

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  13. #28
    Forum Subscriber. JackieClaire's Avatar

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    Re: International Army August 2020

    @mollyka..............ahh Molls, I remember ringing the place and in a tiny voice asked 'is she allowed post'. I was thinking you were locked up like a prisoner in solitary confinement..

    I would have been here earlier but was looking up how our regional daily re-hab place.........we've now got six and one in Cumbria............... its not just AA they have SMART meetings.
    All the brainchild of a bloke who's got 47 years sober who's taken more 'substances' than we know about.

    I don't know what made me wake up..........I was willing to commit suicide rather than live without alcohol. I remember thinking I'd be no longer a burden, a disappointment to my family, an embarrassment to my family. The world would be a better place without me. blah, blah, blah on my pity pot.

    Was it serendipity that made Mr. JC come home earlier than expected, the doctor (would you believe called Dr. Livingston) who listened and saw me every week for six weeks, who'd heard about MWO, a counselor that listened or I'd stopped digging.
    It could be worse, I could be filing.
    AF since 7/7/2009

  14. #29
    Registered User. rustop59's Avatar

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    Re: International Army August 2020

    Afternoon all. Follow a few other sites and copied what was said on one of them, seemed relevant to this morning’s conversation so copied it.

    “so that's your homework for today. can you try 4 online meetings this week, just try. don't speak if you don't want to, just listen. Zoom meetings for Smart Recovery, AA phone meetings, NA, OA, Al-Anon, Recovery Dharma, whatever. Can you try 4 meetings? can you add on new voices, new layers, fill in some of the holes?
    if your first gut reflex is to say NO, then think again.
    and again.
    because if your addictive voice is driving this car, then this isnt going to end well.
    the real, sober you knows that if what you're doing isn't quite enough, and you're not feeling great, then it's time to add on new things.”

    This site works for many but for some it’s not enough. Mr G said in a recent post that this time he added yoga, meditation and gratitude and practiced it every day and this time it’s working. Note to self, maybe start back meditating on holiday.

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  16. #30
    Registered User. byebyebridgetjones's Avatar

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    Re: International Army August 2020

    Wow. This is the font of knowledge today. Very late checkn in so I'm going to enjoy the ambience (and deal with my envy re: Rustop's Holibags)
    If your 8 year old self met you, would they be proud?
    Rejoined life 20/5/19

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