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  • Page 65 of 65 FirstFirst ... 1555636465
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    Thread: Tool box

    1. #641
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      Byrdlady's Avatar

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      Re: Tool box

      Reposting my 7 year speech from Newbie’s Nest:

      NS, thank you so much for the kind words, I didnt realize MaryLou was on the same day! Congrats to you, too, MaryLou! NS, is right on our heels, if memory serves, she will be 5 years on the 24th?!

      I do find myself in a reflective mood today. I never thought I would be celebrating 7 days AF, forget 7 years. I can tell you this, it feels really good. What a blessed relief to get thru a day without even a thought of AL. Hard to believe, the mind chatter I had in the early days and months was almost more than I could bear. I kept asking ‘When does this go away?’ In her own way, Lav stepped up and said ‘As soon as YOU let it go’. There is a wise one right there. It really was MY choice.

      As NS just said in her most eloquent way, I began to learn which voices to listen to. There was always the Feck It Voice and the less prominant Hang In There Voice. It took a great deal of practice, but I began listening to the voice that told me that I could ride out a craving. I told myself for many years, ‘I just cant do this’. ‘I’ll just try to cut down or moderate.’ I stopped listening to that voice, too. I listened to Lav, who had what I wanted. She made it sound so easy. Actually it is SIMPLE, but it isnt easy. I finally made a CHOICE. I would not drink, no matter what and no matter who. When I got a thought, Id say ‘NO, HELL NO’, I will not drink. And so it went. I checked in here like a crazy person, at that time, this place wasnt so active. I read the archives, anything to keep me on task. Did I think I was going to make it? To be honest, I just wasnt sure. All I knew to do, was trust in those that were ahead of me, and frankly, Lav seemed to be flourishing.

      I came here knowing just about everything there was to know about addiction. What I had to learn was about recovery, a subject I really knew nothing about. Getting sober is a skill and everyone CAN learn it. Its whether or not we CHOOSE to listen that separates the successful people from the ‘also rans’. I had been an ‘also ran’ for decades, I never was willing to listen or implement the tried and true tools needed in recovery. I always thought I knew better, until that day 7 years ago when I had to look in the mirror and admit I needed help. This time, I HAD TO MAKE IT STICK. I learned to be coachable, a skill that has served me well in this and other endeavors.

      Getting sober is only one part if the equation.... STAYING sober is something else again. You wouldnt believe how many nesters have asked me ‘What is the key to sobriety?’ Once again, the answer is simple...SUPPORT. I have witnessed thousands of nesters GET sober, only to wander off into the drinking wilderness to be sucked back in. They would tell me that they didnt want to be constantly reminded about AL every day....they wanted to get on with their life. I get that. However, we have a disease, we can wish it away all we want to, but we still have it. For me, I had to grow a backbone instead if a wishbone I believe that having long term sobriety takes two things; getting support and GIVING support. If you have ONE day sober, you have something to offer others, there are plenty of people here who struggle to get that.

      I really hate that alcoholism found its way into my life, but I gotta tell you, I think Im a better person for it. I appreciate life. I appreciate my friends here who took time to help me. I appreciate helping others get out of the pit of addiction.

      Thank you so much for listening. Thank you, Lav, for believing in me. That mattered. Still does. MindPeace is possible, Im living proof! Byrdie
      All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
      Tool Box
      Newbie's Nest

    2. Thanks Guitarista, jvo, Pie, Roobs, Crusader, BelleGirl, mywayin, Rava thanked for this post
    3. #642
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      Re: Tool box

      I have to figure out how to print that.
      Thank you

    4. #643
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      Re: Tool box

      My 4 year Sober Poem:

      I remember
      The days
      And the nights
      Days full of guilt
      Nights with dry throat

      I remember the struggle
      To pass days
      And evenings
      Thinking about the next one
      Trying to stop
      With no sucess

      I remember
      The bottom
      In that hotel room
      When I woke up
      3 am with dry throat
      Surrounded by empty bottles
      And empty soul body
      Broken spirit
      And no hope

      I remeber
      the endless cycle
      Dry mornings
      Wild evenings
      Crazy hangovers

      I remember
      my first logun to my way out
      What started it all
      Path towards sobriety

      I remember
      Endless reading
      You tube videos
      To learn and un learn
      Alcohol is bad
      Its a waste
      Its a sham

      I remember
      the books I read
      People I met
      Folks I chatted with
      all the advice
      The tool box

      I remeber
      my first sober day
      Counting days

      I remeber
      Las vegas
      My first relapse
      First of many
      How I came down stong
      Fell flat

      I remember
      When i lovely PMs on MWO
      advices to hand on
      Go another day
      Just more day

      I remember
      Rebooting my life
      New interests
      My love with cyclings
      Running ...

      I remember
      The treats
      The pat on backs
      Feeling of accomplishments
      Ice creams
      And coffees
      How they tasted so good
      And still do ...

      I remember
      How I lost friends
      And made new ones
      Most importantly
      I found I have a family
      Kids ...
      Who care
      And love

      I remember
      Last 4 years
      Of complete abstinence
      Of freedom
      Of mental peace
      Of such joy
      Of feelings again

      I remember
      Today ... 4 years ago
      Rewiring my brain ... done ...
      Updating brain "attitude" firmware ... done ...
      Rebooting ... done ...
      Restarted program called "Life" ... started successfully ...

    5. Thanks Roobs, Byrdlady, KENSHO, Rava thanked for this post
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    6. #644
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      Re: Tool box

      At 281 days alcohol free....

      I remember when I used to wake up at 3am, sweating, nauseous, headache, shame - feeling like I had been poisoned. I'd take Advil and tell myself I would feel better when I woke back up at 6:30. Then I'd wake up at 6:30, and tell myself I felt much better than I did at 3:00, so I could deal with it and get up and get going. I would tell myself I would never drink again - and THIS would be the night I would stop. I would punish myself with exercise and feel terrible trying to swim laps while hungover - but I would tell myself I'd feel much better by noon. At noon, most of the nausea and other symptoms would be mostly gone. That magic time between noon and 2pm I would feel more human and still be pretty sure I wouldn't need to drink that night. I'd even feel a little better about myself because I knew I could NOT drink that night. At 2:00, the cravings started kicking in. Any stresses of the day would have hit and I would be so tired from the poor sleep the night (and decade) prior, that I would "deserve" a drink THAT night, just not the next day. I could allow myself ONE. By 4:00, I would have a solid plan about how and where I would get alcohol and consume it. I would either stop off at a store and drink a solid glass and a half on the last 5 miles home, careful to tip the bottle only when other cars couldn't see me. Then I would get home and have to make dinner. Poor me, I would say - I have to do so much work. Then the kids would do something stressful, and the husband would be in a bad mood or say something rude and I would definitely DESERVE more than that one glass I had already surpassed - because drinking was my own private sanctuary that no one could touch. I'd say "fuck the world" and keep drinking until 3 or occasionally more glasses were down - often running down to the basement or sneaking in the kitchen cupboards or my office desk drawers for mini-shots - because "the small nips really didn't count". Then I'd realize I had more than I'd planned, and realize I probably was showing signs of drinking, so I would stand further away from my family when we talked, and not make eye contact. If possible, I'd just not be around them. I'd slur my way through reading to my kids - almost passing out and then I'd fall into bed - glad the day was over. Sometimes I'd kick myself for drinking more than I'd tell myself I would - but often, even in bed, I would consider actually running down to the basement for one last nip - because more was better, right?

      Then I'd wake up at 3am with sweats, nausea, headache and shame.

      What a vicious cycle. The only thing that EVER changed was that I started having shots at 2-3pm instead of 4-5 - because the work I was doing was "boring". I'm quite sure I even lost a new project because I was "out of it" when they called me at 4:30.

      The picture of my life now is 180 degrees different. And though sometimes I crave things about drinking or alcohol - I NEVER, EVER, EVER want to go back to wasting my time, health and relationships on booze. Now, if I wake up at 3am, its to pee, or because one of my kids needs me (and I can be there for them without being grumpy and sick). I spend my time engaging with my friends and family (instead of hiding), building my business and streamlining my work processes, putting forth more quality design solutions and focusing on how to build myself up - yoga, meditation, clean eating, clutter clearing. I am a better mother, wife, and self-advocate. I participate in society, engage with strangers more and am focused on positive things - NOT JUST GETTING MY NEXT FIX (or recovering from one).

      It's SO worth it to get and stay sober. If you're struggling, keep trying! You'll find your way out!
      Last edited by KENSHO; September 19th, 2018 at 09:39 AM.

      Done. Moving on to life.

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    8. #645
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      Re: Tool box

      Have you had a secret camera in my house?! You just wrote my cycle. In fact that cycle that started at 3:33 this morning when I woke up and instantly hated myself for the 1/2 liter or so of rum I had last night is the cycle that got me back on this site.

      I was hear years ago - started in 2007 when I had a night I really thought I was going to die and not see my daughter grow up. I read Jewells book, started the supplements and hypnosis.... and I was sober for 5 years. And then I thought I could drink socially. HA! I was able to and very careful for quite a while - only drinking at a social event and only one glass of wine. But a marriage that was falling apart (it wasn't the alcohol that made it fall apart - lol - it was the sobriety!) and stress led me to drinking more and more. Even a DWI conviction didn't stop me, though the interlock made it an art to drinking only at home and praying there would be no emergency where I would have to drive after I got home. The last year has been like you described in the cycle. That's on top of being diagnosed with fatty liver last November... I've kept drinking.

      This morning during my 330 hate myself sessions, I decided enough is enough and came back here and dug out the hypnosis CDs. I went to Natural Grocer and got some supplements though I am trying to remember all of them. So here I am day one again. Sigh.

      The morning has been fine, but that craving will start about 3 or 4... and I have a birthday dinner for my step daughter at a wine bistro. Give me the strength to just order water. I can do that. I can do that. I can do that...…

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    10. #646
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      Re: Tool box

      Reposted from the Newbies Nest. I hope it helps someone rewrite his or her story to be one free from addiction. xx, NS

      There is no doubt that the way we are raised has a huge impact on us. I cringe when I think of things I said to my kids, meaning well and doing what I thought was right at the time, but would do differently now if I could do it over.

      Everyone's parents, teachers, spouses, and friends make mistakes, some worse than others, but we don't have to continue to believe the stories they told us, or ones that we made up ourselves as we struggled to make our way through life. I no longer tell myself that I'm too shy to speak up or that if I can't do something perfectly, I shouldn't even try to do it at all. I wasn't really shy and I (obviously) wasn't perfect but I told myself I had to be and my actions followed from that.

      My parents made up the story that I was the most well-behaved and smartest girl on the planet. They didn't mean to make me think that I always had to be "good" and at the top of my class, but that was the outcome because I believed that I had to be that character in the story to receive the praise and love. And boy, does that ever put a damper on your life! Being the best feels average; there is nowhere to go but down.

      We can tell a new story about ourselves any time we want - one that serves us! @lifechange, you told yourself or sadly, someone important lead you to believe, that you are a liar and a quitter. THAT IS TOTALLY MADE UP. In an effort to feel as good as you could, avoiding pain, you may have lied and you may have quit. Given the circumstances you were in, that was probably the only thing you knew to do. But you know differently now and are not bound to dealing with stresses in the same way you did as a child. Those days are long gone and can be left behind. Don't let the past, which we can do nothing about, spoil the present or limit your future. Make up a new story that feels good - and live it .

    11. #647
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      Re: Tool box

      At 365 days, 1 year alcohol free... (repost from Newbies Nest)

      WOW NS. That was painful to read my very first post from 2014. Thanks for that trip down memory lane. I do pull it up from time to time to remember how miserable and desperate I was. I couldn't control alcohol - and it was slowly eroding at everything positive in my life. The last paragraph strikes me today... because I DO feel I have a more clear mind and clean body (particularly clean after the stomach flu - he he!). I feel present, and I have taken the opportunity many times to tell my children about my past relationship with alcohol, and the special care they need to take with this substance.

      ADD: I also talked about wanting to be present... and that is one of the greatest gifts of sobriety - not thinking forward to that next drink, or to the past in regret.

      THAT was all I wanted, aside from not being controlled by alcohol… and SO MUCH MORE has come into my life. That, my friends is what I would like to tell you all who are struggling: Good things happen when you quit drinking that you can’t even imagine right now - things that will give you purpose, give you joy in life and a sense of self that is 27-million-billion times better than you have on the merry-go-round of addicted drinking.

      It can add up subtly, or a be few wammo things - but there is no denying that life at 1 year without alcohol is infinitely better than when I wrote that first post (and all the poetry through the 7 years prior to that). SO my question to you is: What are you waiting for? If a better life is just on the other side of "through this mess" - walk through it! Crawl through it - do whatever it takes to keep breathing - and you will survive the pain. Lean on your friends and those here who support you and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how hard it feels. Because the hard never lasts, and one day breathing will be easier and life will be brighter and you will never, ever want to go back to your miserable, numb life. Love to you all
      Last edited by KENSHO; December 11th, 2018 at 02:48 PM.

      Done. Moving on to life.

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