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Thread: Newbies Nest

  1. #73011
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Hello all - One word, WoW! Catching up on the posts since yesterday, how powerful. I will learn to address each one of you like you all do so eloquently, for now, it is all going through my head and I may get mixed up. I want you all to know how much I appreciate every word you write. To Kensho about your hubby, your taking care of your side of the street may be forcing him to look at his and he might not like what he sees, know what I mean? I know very well how their soothing words sound allowing us to drink. My GF did that to me at a wedding we went to in Mexico at an all inclusive. I was all geared up not to drink the whole time and then on the first day she gave me permission to drink, and I did, by my choice. Made easier by her permission. I did very well and it wasn't hard to do. But the real consequences didn't hit until Christmas. Because I did so well at the wedding in Sept. my drunk/addictive self figured I was strong enough to drink when I wanted. So Sept-Dec. I binged several times, got black out drunk, lied, and hurt everyone I love. Alcohol won that one. But! That has really forced me to really look at what the hell I'm doing not only to myself, but especially everyone else in my life. I have been lying to myself for a long time, and I finally gave those away. Thank you all for your help

    This is an edit...I talked about this with my GF and told her the truth about how it all happened, didn't blame her, and told her I just can't control alcohol. After I told her that she said that was the first time I had admitted that to her. I thought I had. It was very cathartic. So we talk more open about my recovery now and she won't do that anymore.
    Last edited by Seeker1; January 21st, 2018 at 10:59 AM. Reason: Give credit to GF

  2. #73012
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    This is from a post from Byrdie...

    "I came here knowing just about everything there was to know about addiction. What I had to learn was about recovery, a subject I really knew nothing about. Getting sober is a skill and everyone CAN learn it. Its whether or not we CHOOSE to listen that separates the successful people from the ‘also rans’. I had been an ‘also ran’ for decades, I never was willing to listen or implement the tried and true tools needed in recovery. I always thought I knew better, until that day 7 years ago when I had to look in the mirror and admit I needed help. This time, I HAD TO MAKE IT STICK. I learned to be coachable, a skill that has served me well in this and other endeavors.

    Getting sober is only one part if the equation.... STAYING sober is something else again. You wouldnt believe how many nesters have asked me ‘What is the key to sobriety?’ Once again, the answer is simple...SUPPORT. I have witnessed thousands of nesters GET sober, only to wander off into the drinking wilderness to be sucked back in. They would tell me that they didnt want to be constantly reminded about AL every day....they wanted to get on with their life. I get that. However, we have a disease, we can wish it away all we want to, but we still have it. For me, I had to grow a backbone instead if a wishbone I believe that having long term sobriety takes two things; getting support and GIVING support. If you have ONE day sober, you have something to offer others, there are plenty of people here who struggle to get that.

    I really hate that alcoholism found its way into my life, but I gotta tell you, I think Im a better person for it. I appreciate life. I appreciate my friends here who took time to help me. I appreciate helping others get out of the pit of addiction."

    Byrdie? Thanks...

  3. #73013
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Hola nesters,

    Good to have that open convo with loved ones Seeker. Congrat's on 35 days. That's huge!

    All good here, cruising along with a quiet energy and enthusiasm for life - my life. So let's talk about me for a minute or 2. I'm def not the best lookin fella around. I've seen a few years, a few things, and have a few bumps and bruises, but i gotta say, i've noticed a big improvement in how my big fat weatherbeaten head presents itself these days. There seemed/seems to be a noticable improvement at the 4 1/2 month mark. I suppose it's a combo of more mindful eating, (mostly) daily exercise, plus a more balanced, relaxed, stress free G man. Not boozing and not having big outside stressors to deal with is a huge reason i think (i also handle them much easier and better sober!). Sure, we all have some life stressors, but mine aren't any where near the worrying levels that i know many folks deal with daily. So that's just a quick note to say keep on the sober wagon. If nothing else, you'll be looking real good in no time.

    Last night i went out to a bar to watch a couple of bands. It was a cruisey sunday arvo setting, just my pace. I thought i'd take my new improved fat weatherbeaten, bumped, lumped, thumped head out for a test drive. Not sure what anyone else thought, but i knew and importantly FELT that i was lookin gooooooood. The bartender didn't charge me for my tonic water with a slice of lemon - no ice, in a spirits glass, either. She took one look at me and knew. This dude's goin places..........

    Have a great week.
    Last edited by Guitarista; January 21st, 2018 at 03:46 PM.

    'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

    Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

  4. #73014
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Hi Nest. I so appreciate that I can come here and be real. Thank you all for listening and being supportive

    JVO, way to mix it up with your Saturday plans. That’s tackling the problem of re-living the “old” saturdays - just don’t! Way to take charge of your time and enjoy it with your husband! New neural paths!!

    Marylou, please do share your words of wisdom! It’s so helpful for me when struggling to hear what it could be like to stick this quit out! Congratulations on 4 years, that’s epic!

    G, I’m sure you are turning heads with your happy, healthy, handsome self. Keep the good vibes coming! People are always attracted to people who have their shit together, bruised or not

    Seeker, thanks for your thoughts - glad you were able to have a successful conversation with your lady.

    We had a refreshing evening with the party friends - only they were not drinking because they are doing this diet with me! They said they felt great - and he described alcohol withdrawals the first day of the diet but said he would be drinking less from now on because his blood pressure and anxiety has returned to normal! Easier said than done, but a score in the no-alcohol department!! My husband was the only one drinking. He definitely didn’t like it - and also enjoyed himself fully with the booze.

    I’ve come to realize his words are tactics to make his drinking ok. To flat out deny my drinking accounts is to deny the truth that he does not want to face. He told me again that I don’t seem happy, don’t laugh, don’t enjoy life any more. Upon reflection of these words that have held me hostage in the past, I realize this is just not true. I laughed a ton last night and was the one cracking jokes. I laughed just this morning lying in bed. If his criteria for “fun and happy” are partying with alcohol, then I guess I DON’T fit the bill. I am sad that he is not the support I would expect a spouse to be, but I am not going to let him derail me either. I guess it’s me and you all for now, and he can deal with it.

    I knew this was coming and have been dreading it, but I feel like I’m going to have to choose sobriety or him. Hopefully that’s not the case, but it sucks that I feel that way. He is going to have to support me (or at least not tempt me and criticize my decision) or I will be unable to be with him. It’s hard f-ing enough to quit drinking, but to have your spouse constantly getting in your head is icing on the cake. Then again, it may make me fight harder for what I want to achieve, as I’ve never backed down from a challenge. SO bring it on - I will kick him out before letting him convince me to do things that are unhealthy for me.
    
I have so much anger for him right now. Such a selfish man at times.

    Anyway, on with the day. I feel so much better than I did last week, so that’s a plus! I hope you all keep up the good work!
    Kensho

    Done. Moving on to life.

  5. #73015
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    I think your attitude here is a healthy one Kensho. You sound real and balanced, and seem like you've stepped back from the situation and thought about it calmy. In general, i know that we have to really put ourselves first when it comes to kicking booze and other addictions to the curb. I see a lot of power! Positive self loving, self respecting power in you through your words, leaping off the page! Bravo!
    Last edited by Guitarista; January 21st, 2018 at 04:39 PM.

    'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

    Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

  6. #73016
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Agree, G. When it coms to kicking booze, we gotta be selfish and listen to our own selves. To thine own self be true, I think they say that in AA, now I get it. WE know the hell that AL provides for us, even my hubs didnt realize the extent of my problem....because that is part of the disease, to hide it. Jvo, I had to laugh at myself when you said your hubs could tell, mine could, too. My right eye diverges a little, so when I drank, it would relax and steer towards my nose, so I looked crosse-eyed when you looked at me staight on. UGG, those werent the days. Living an authentic life is worth the effort. Byrdie
    All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
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  7. #73017
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Quote Originally Posted by KENSHO View Post
    I knew this was coming and have been dreading it, but I feel like Iím going to have to choose sobriety or him. Hopefully thatís not the case, but it sucks that I feel that way. He is going to have to support me (or at least not tempt me and criticize my decision) or I will be unable to be with him. Itís hard f-ing enough to quit drinking, but to have your spouse constantly getting in your head is icing on the cake. Then again, it may make me fight harder for what I want to achieve, as Iíve never backed down from a challenge. SO bring it on - I will kick him out before letting him convince me to do things that are unhealthy for me.
    
I have so much anger for him right now. Such a selfish man at times.
    You've mentioned before, Kensho, that when you don't drink you feel like you've "outgrown" your husband. Given how some people act when drunk and how someone who is dependent on alcohol (not necessarily addicted) will manipulate life in order to drink, it is no wonder you feel that way!! None of us want to hang around with an uncontrolled, spoiled kid who is determined to have his way but that is exactly what it can feel like.

    I probably sound like a broken record but I think the advice of AA and other support systems not to make any big decisions during your first sober year is a good one. They are usually talking about not starting a new relationship while you're in the process of breaking up with AL but I think it works both ways. Ending a relationship (at least permanently) during the first year might be a mistake. That isn't to say that a separation might not be needed if you cannot stay sober when with him but so much is changing within you during that first year, it's hard to know how you'll feel about things in 2019.

    That doesn't mean you have to go with him for drinking-centered events or always be his designated driver or clean up his literal and figurative post-drinking messes. You can refuse to argue about your choice not to drink. When he says it is no fun for him when you don't drink, you can point out that it is no fun for you when he drinks too much. You have the right to live your life on your terms. There is nothing in those marriage vows about sacrificing your health and well-being to please your spouse!

    I'm so sorry he isn't giving you the support you deserve. Perhaps when he sees that this is a final decision and that you are a much more contented person now, he'll understand that this is the right choice for you. And just maybe he'll change to be a bit more like you when you're no longer helping him justify his behavior by going along. I know my friends are sometimes uncomfortable with my not drinking because even though nothing is said, it forces them to acknowledge how much they are. It is hard when someone makes a different decision when you're not sure the one you're making is the right one. I'm sure it is even harder in a marriage. Hang in there - you're doing the right thing for YOU and there is no way your relationship can ever be truly healthy until you are. xx, NS


  8. #73018
    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Good evening Nesters,

    Getting a little work done in my shop while reading all the posts

    Kensho, I’m sorry you are dealing with the unhappy spouse thing, I did it too so I understand.
    Things got a lot clearer for me when I finally realized that he was just going to be unhappy regardless of what I did or did not do,. He was the one who was choosing to be unhappy each & every day. I can’t live with that kind of negativity, I won’t anymore. We lived apart for four years until he finally relented & understood that happiness is a choice that you actively have to choose each day. Talk about a thick headed person.
    You stay right on the path that you have chosen for yourself. You know what makes you happy

    Greetings to everyone & sending wishes for a safe night in the nest for all!
    PS: I didn’t see any foxes creeping around today so we should be just fine!

    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

  9. #73019
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Hi, All:

    Quick fly by on a busy weekend, but I've read all the posts.

    Kensho, I am SO sorry for the lack of support from your husband. I really don't know what I would have done if instead of supporting me, my husband was encouraging me to drink. Stay strong for yourself and your kids - you're rocking it.

    Off to sleep. Happy new week! Everyone's doing so well - keep it up...

    Pav

  10. #73020
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Hi everyone,

    I'm back and I know it's been a while. Sadly things have been a mess: I managed a good 2 weeks AL free, until New Years and for some reason drank (the usual lies: it's the end of the year, new start tomorrow etc etc) of course all that did was kick-start another week-long binge. Cleaned up for a week, then after suffering 2 nights of terrible insomnia (first day back at work nerves) I gave in on the Wednesday and drank. It's now almost a week later and I've been drinking since. I'm really at the end of my rope now - next Monday's a public holiday which means a long weekend, and I have very clear and vivid memories of last year's holiday drinking to excess and trying to go on a hike and for the first time really feeling the impact on my health. I didn't want a repeat of that, but here I am a year later and the pattern continues. Today was supposed to be my first AL free day in a week, but somehow I gave in and here I am after a 6 pack, ready to go to bed for yet another sleepless night. I want to stop tomorrow and I plan to, but I'm now terrrified of never ever being able to quit. I've mentioned before that I successfully quit for over 4 years back in 2012 before stupidly starting again in Dec 16. I've been struggling to find the same feeling of 'that's it, I'm done' that I had back there. There's the ever present fear of going 2 -4 days, a week or 2 then drinking again - it's been the story of my life for the last 12 months. I'm embarrassed to post here again and say that I failed, but I do want to stop drinking; I'll post again tomorrow morning before work - I just hope that by the time the day is done, I don't find myself back at the liquor shop...

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