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Thread: Newbies Nest

  1. #82421
    Forum Subscriber. Slo's Avatar

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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Mabel is here!!
    Granddaughter was born this evening, and mom & baby are well & healthy! I’m so glad daughter went into labor spontaneously today and had the baby naturally -because she wanted to be induced tomorrow, and had made plans to do so! And I didn’t quite agree with it. So all worked out well!

    I love your analogy to working with chocolate, Byrdie; and think it would be a good addition to the Toolbox. Alcohol seems to have very firm, inflexible rules too, and we can’t bend them. Once it has done whatever it does to the human brain and the line is crossed, we can keep fighting with it -but we will lose, over & over again.

    Interesting, Narilly! So I’m likely not far off the mark -I think this counselor IS influencing him to divorce! I wish I had tried harder to keep a relationship of some sort going with him instead of giving up -now that it’s for real I just really don’t want to divorce. It sounds terrifying. You’re right, Lav: I needed to realize that he’s probably been doing the best he can with the role models he was given and the influences he has had. I’ve been judging too harshly.

    You have been burning the candle at both ends lately, Wags; so you sure won’t be well-rested yet!

    Sounds like a nice Mother’s Day hiking together, Pavati.

    Sweet dreams to all in the Nest!
    Last edited by Slo; May 10th, 2021 at 10:13 PM.
    Once a pickle, never a cucumber again.

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  3. #82422
    Registered User. Pavati's Avatar

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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Hi, All:

    Byrdie - I love your posts. Honestly, I think you should collect them for a book of some type. Along with NS, Mr. G, Lav, etc. Maybe we could do an MWO's best - there are gems here from everyone. Glad you tamed the chocolate AND the alcohol.

    Slo - there is an alternate perspective - that your husband came to that conclusion and is saying the counselor told him to. I'm not trying to bust up your marriage, but I also think it is important not to second guess where you're coming from. It IS possible that the marriage has run its course and it is time to leave. I think of his not being supportive when your brother died. I really don't know either of you or the marriage, but I just want to give you that second perspective. Both of my sisters are divorced - it was very hard and scary but they both ended up in much better places. Whatever happens, I hope you find happiness.

    Wags, glad you're getting into the time off. I do hope you get some rest. I started getting invitations for may the minute we were all double vaccinated and now my May is TOO full... It was a shock to my system to have so many things to do outside of the house.

    Nar, sorry you are in a surge. There is grim data from here about variants and the lack of vaccinations leading to a long (20+ years) cycle of outbreaks here. I wish we were more united in helping each other.

    Happy SOBER Tuesday, all.

    Pav
    Last edited by Pavati; May 11th, 2021 at 09:04 AM.

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  5. #82423
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Greetings Nesters,

    Today was surprisingly nice in that I got to see both my kids & their kids, separately of course

    Slo, CONGRATS on the safe arrival of your new granddaughter A new baby on the family is always so nice.
    I’ll have to go thru my Kindle app to find the name of the book I read that helped me see my husband thru the eyes of a Buddhist. It helped me so much in understanding what was going on. That’s where I learned that sometimes people really are doing the best they can do in a given situation & it’s not your fault.

    Byrdie, good job on the chocolate taming!!! Come up this way some day & I’ve have you talk to the Swiss chocolatier nearby, yum!

    Pav, The Best of MWO could be a best seller if we market it right, haha!! Maybe we could share our combined wisdom with the world or maybe I’m just a dreamer. One thing I do know for sure os that you really have to want to be sober more than you want to continue to drink

    Hello to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

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  7. #82424
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Slo - CONGRATS on grandbaby Mabel! So glad she arrived easily and on her own terms/schedule.

    Lav - sounds like a wonderful day with all of those family visits.


    Things are good here. My wife got cleared today to start PT, so she'll have her first appt on Friday. I had a surprising thought sometime in the past 24 hours or so. I just wanted to have a drink or two to "unwind" for a bit. Like I really wished I could experience what people who don't have al problems experience when they have a couple of drinks. I pushed the thought away because I know I might as well wish I could fly (also impossible) but it sure did catch me off guard at the moment. I guess that's part of why we keep our tools sharp and we practice using them -- so that when those fleeting thoughts pop up we don't give them even a second to take root.

    Have good Wednesdays everyone and keep your tools sharp!

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  9. #82425
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Yeah, Wags, isn't the idea of 1 or 2 drinks and being good with that so hard to understand? I look at those little bottles of wine or the 'standard pours' at restaurants and just marvel that that is enough for anyone. I get this feeling in my throat when I think of it of wanting/needing more. That feeling was part of my craving experience back in the day. So glad those days are over!

    Congrats on the new granddaughter, Slo. I'm so happy for you that you were solidly AF when these babies came into your life. Whenever I'm with my grandsons I'm so grateful to be fully present and not manipulating things to avoid them so I can drink. I was pretty crushed by what my life had become anyway -- if these relationships had also been compromised, I really don't know how I could have handled it.

    This is part of an e-mail I received today and really agree with:
    If you’ve ever been to therapy, you’ve probably been nicely brought around to this idea: That there is whatever your husband or wife or father or mother or sister or brother or boss is saying to you, and then there is what you’re hearing. In fact, in a lot of couples counseling, the therapist will try to help couples stop fights from spiraling by asking them to say to each other, “Ok, what I am hearing when you say that is…” or “What I make up about that is…”
    Because it’s true. Your mother thought she was just teasing, but what you heard when she did that was, “I don’t love you” and “You’re not good enough.” You feel like you’re just sighing because you’re tired, but what your husband is hearing is, “I’m upset with you,” and now he’s getting ready to defend himself.
    It’s not things that upset us, Epictetus said, it’s our judgement about things. It’s what we make up about things that upsets us. It’s what we hear, not what people say, that is the problem.
    So think about that today, think about that whenever you feel triggered or misunderstood or attacked. Is that actually what’s happening? Or are you just making that up? Is it likely they were saying anything close to what you heard? Or is your hearing precisely the source of the conflict? It usually is.
    I wonder if you and your husband are really talking about the same thing, Slo. Over the last few years, I've been learning to recognize and ignore the stories I make up that make me miserable and may not even be true! I hope you emerge from this loving and proud of yourself and treated by others the way you deserve to be treated, whichever way it goes. xx, NS


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  11. #82426
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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Hi, All:

    Sorry I missed saying CONGRATULATIONS, SLO. Mabel is a sweet name. So glad you're sober for being a grandma!

    Wags, I hear you. Those sneak up out of no where which IS exactly why I keep coming here. I don't really "feel" like I need a daily check in, but I want to gird against future possible relapse. I always think of One Crafty Mother who, after 5 years and a sober blog, walked into her pantry and downed a bottle of vanilla. I feel the need to stay vigilant. Glad your wife gets to start PT.

    Thanks for sharing that, NS. Brene Brown also talks about that in her special from last year (and in other places). Sometimes now if I am arguing with my husband I will say (or he will say) "the story I'm telling myself is..." It can be very helpful.

    Happy SOBER Hump Day,
    Pav

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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Good evening Nesters,

    Another nice day around here to enjoy the gardens, chickens, etc. The two little boys across the road are now determined to get their own chickens, haha.

    Wags, that’s good news about your wife’s PT. Getting stronger & learning how to protect the new joint is the next step. Wishing her lots of luck.
    Good for you pushing that fleeting thought from your consciousness. They will pop up now & then but it becomes automatic to refuse to entertain those thoughts. Keep doing that

    NS, good to see you! Your email hits a big problem with us here: I talk about feelings while he talks about money. We have never been on the same page, almost 48 years now. I can’t change his thoughts so I just don’t listen anymore or I would lose my mind. Hope you are enjoying your Spring.

    Pav, here I am 12+ years later still checking in daily. It certainly can’t hurt so I will continue, right?

    Slo, take a look at “Communicating Like a Buddhist” by Cynthia Kane. The book gave me some perspective. Was very helpful for me. I hope Baby Mabel & her Mom are doing well

    Hello to the rest of the group & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

    Lav
    Last edited by Lavande; May 12th, 2021 at 05:28 PM.
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

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    Re: Newbies Nest

    NS and Pav - yes, the "what I hear..." or "the story I'm telling myself is..." tools are excellent to use, especially when both communicators are willing to engage, but even if it's just for yourself. Thanks for the reminders.

    Lav - chickens for everyone! I'm intrigued by the book title you mentioned and I think I'll check it out.


    Well, it appears I've entered the next phase of the journey toward and through menopause. I've been having some symptoms over the past several years but things have definitely kicked up a notch in the past couple of weeks. Mainly hot flashes followed by chills, plus feeling like a bloated whale. nothing painful, just super uncomfortable. If any of you in the nest know of any great supplements or dietary changes or even just coping tactics like ice packs or wearing layers of clothes that you have found to be helpful during this lovely transition I'm all ears (red hot-flashed ears at the moment!). Feel free to PM me @wagmor if you prefer (Note: NOT @wagmore, cuz I can't access that account). Sigh...

    Happy to be sober. Nothing beats it.
    Last edited by wagmor; May 13th, 2021 at 12:05 AM.

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  17. #82429
    Registered User. Pavati's Avatar

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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Hi, All:

    Wags - I think several of us are this age-ish so I'm going to keep the conversation here. Sorry fellas and youngers. Skip if you must. I take vitamin E daily. I is supposed to help with hot flashes and I don't get them bad. Also, avoid caffeine, chocolate, alcohol apparently. At least we're one down. Let me know if you find anything else. It was a surprise for me to feel it so strongly sometimes, although I do think the E has tempered the hot flashes.

    Not much else to report. These weeks are flying by - I can't believe it is already Thursday. Whew.

    Happy SOBER One,
    Pav

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    Re: Newbies Nest

    Happy Un Hung Thursday everyone.
    I have a day off today, out numbers are still up but hopefully will start coming down soon. We called someone the other day and they were in distress so we told them to call 911 and then ended the call. People are still very sick.

    Anyway, I am going to enjoy my day today.

    NS, I liked that email you shared with us. It is so true that the perceptions of two people are SO different. My hubby and I have different perceptions about so many things and this definitely can become an issue.

    SLO, congrats on the little one! Yeah, it is interesting about counsellors, some really suck but a good counsellor is like Gold.

    I did not really have any Menoparuse symptoms but definitely am post menopausal. I guess I have been lucky.

    Hey, have a good one evabody!
    Don't drink today.
    Narilly

    "Nothing in this World Can take the place of Persistence"
    "You can have the life you want OR you can Drink"

    AF April 12, 2014

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