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    Results 21 to 27 of 27

    Thread: Feeling blue

    1. #21
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      Feeling blue

      I am finally calm again. Still battling a few stray blues, but getting better by the minute. Witts - great to hear from you. You have always helped me from the very beginning. Glad you are hanging in there.

      Avail - I have realized that AL was like an abusive lover. I protected my abuser, I defended my abuser, and in some twisted way, I loved my abuser, but then one day, I finally found the strength to leave him. But oh, how I missed him at times. So, I would reminisce about the "good" times, and occasionally I would convince myself that he had changed and I would give him another chance. But it always ended the same. He was nothing but a liar and a cheat. So now when I feel weak, I remember how terrible he treated me. How awful he made me feel about myself. And that keeps me strong.

      13, I am glad you are here and thanks for joining the conversation. I know in my original post, I talked about how strong everyone appeared. But I needed a reality check. We are lucky that K9 weighed in. She is one of the people who I trust the most - been through this hell - and has made it to the other side. She makes it very clear, and I needed the reminder too, that it isn't easy for anyone. Even those who have weeks, months or years AF still have to be vigilant. I guess that something we need to accept right now. We'll make it through because we have each other.

      xx - and have a wonderful night, or day!

    2. #22
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      Feeling blue

      Moss i love the "i am finally calm again". It gets so like that sometimes and the fight within ourselves is just awful. I totally agree that AL is like a love and the last one i had was an arse so i got rid of him, maybe i should have got rid of AL as well 4 years ago but he became my best friend.

      It is encouraging to see other nesters who have beaten AL and it gives us hope to be one of successful ones. I just think it seems so far away but it is just day by day

    3. #23
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      Feeling blue

      HI Moss, glad you are feeling more positive - for now anyway! Your post really got me thinking and it struck me that the process of giving up AL is very similar indeed to profound grief.

      When my husband died the grief was all encompassing and relentless, the only respite from it was in my old pal AL (big, big error), AL allowed me to pass out! The grief remained under the fog though however I digress. When you are grieving you go through a process of existing, you function on the most basic level because its a survival instinct and human nature forces you to go on though you don't want to. The difference and its a huge one when you're giving up AL is that AL is only a shop and a few ?s or $s away. AL will take away all those feelings of shock, disbelief horror and hurt, a few (or in my case a few dozen) glasses and all will be well only it isn't is it? I don't know of a single widow/widower who wouldn't sell their soul for that meeting with their loved one only in this case AL is that loved one.

      What follows that is the guilt, remorse and regret, just like when you're grieving for whatever reason, all those emotions come to the fore, relentlessly, all day and every day until you get up one morning and your loss is not the first thing you think about but that takes time, in some cases a lot of it.

      After about six months or so the mist begins to clear and the reality sets in, just like when you've stopped the madness, you begin to see clearly what the drinking has done to you, it might be the financial implicaitons or the personal issues and it may very well be a sad picture but AL is still there. It can offer you oblivion from your problems again and we are all human, nobody likes hurting so its logical we will feel sad and depressed again, just when everything should be perfect. Its a hard call to stay on track because just like in grieving you miss your loved one (AL) so very much.

      Then very slowly but steadily there comes an acceptance and tranquility, unlike anything you've experiencein the past most probably. You hate the situation you are in, what is this "thing" that is controlling every part of your life? Eventually you you cannot change it so in the case of grief so you begin to make a new life for yourself and I think this is cruicial in the AL battle as AL is always going to be there unless the stuff is banned which no government will do. You somehow have to make a final push to reinvent yourself into a life you can grow to love where AL plays no part at all.

      I will always love wine and champage but I am rapidly coming to realise it doesn't and never did love me, doesn't provide the comfort and peace it promises and without it I am much better off and that is the only difference between giving up drink and losing a loved one, your loved one would never hurt and damage you the way AL did and will!

      I hope I haven't upset anyone with this analogy but just as grief is rollercoaster so has been giiving up drink, days when I've been ecstatic I've stopped, days when I feel angry and depressed but even on the bad days I have never regretted my decision to stop it forever.

      Each of us fights a different battle every day and sharing the experience provides others with coping stragegies they haven't considered so each and every post is a brick in the wall to keep AL out, my biggest regret is that I now have so much happening in my life that I can't fit in reading everything

    4. #24
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      Feeling blue

      Thank you for that personal, heartfelt post, Spidey. And, Moss, thank you for having the strength and courage to put yourself forward and start this thread that gets at the heart of what we are really dealing with here. The posts by both of you fit right in with the Bren? Brown vulnerability TED talk many of us were talking about a couple weeks ago and that I rewatched with a friend last night. One of her theses is that growth and change can only come about when we are willing to take the risk of being honest and really letting ourselves be seen. :l:l NS

    5. #25
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      Feeling blue

      Spider what can i say, nothing really, we all have our own stories and i so appreciate that you have given yours. If we could reach out and give hugs and kisses i would be in line but you also seem a strong woman and you are where you are today due to you. I want to be that woman thank you

    6. #26
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      Feeling blue

      Spidey, your post made my heart hurt. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss and the pain and grief you have had to endure. I have read many times on these threads that a major loss was the trigger - just one more night of feeling absolutely nothing. We all know that AL brings only a temporary and false sense of peace, but oh so tempting when our pain becomes unbearable.

      FlyAway said it very well earlier on this thread: "This is too much! This is too hard! I must drink to stop this!" She was talking about life in general and our need to deal with it sober. But it also relates to grief, don't you think? Eventually, as you said, we must stopping numbing ourselves, deal with these feelings of pain and loss, and try to move forward. I know your life doesn't look the way you had expected it to, but I'm so proud of you for finding the strength to reinvent your life into one "that you can grow to love where AL plays no part at all.

      NS - I watched Bren? Brown's talk after you mentioned it in one of your posts. I was awed by her message. So much so, that I sent it to several of my girlfriends. I think this is something that so many of us need to work on, whether we have a problem with AL, or not. Being vulnerable scares me to death. But I'm learning that it's the only way to live an authentic life. My biggest problem is determining who I can safely be vulnerable with. During my drinking years, I had a tendency to ignore my intuition (if I could even hear it at all), and trusted people who I shouldn't have. It caused me some real heartbreak. Near the end, right before coming here, I had withdrawn from just about everyone. I was hurting, and my trust-o-meter was broken, so I used AL to numb the pain. But somewhere deep inside, my soul was screaming out for true connection. I was just too scared to give it another try. Until I joined MWO.

      When I tell newbies that this place saved my life, I am not just talking about giving up AL. It's deeper than that. I am learning a whole new way to live and interact with others. I only wish I had learned these skills years ago. It may have saved me decades of suffering. But I'm grateful for another chance and intend to use it wisely.

      Avail - hope you are having a good night.

    7. #27
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      Feeling blue

      rose, I just love your honesty. Things haven't been going great chez BH. I have been grumpy, pissed off, dying for a drink. I almost talked myself into drinking and blaming it on posts in the nest, how dumb is that?

      I am sober, unhappy and almost back in that place that I hate so much. Your post really helped me, thank you:l

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