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    1. #11
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      Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

      Day 3, still no drink. But here is usually where I start to feel safe in my own skin and I've let my guard down in the past. Good thing is that it is Tuesday, so it will be easier to ABS. Memorial day weekend will probably be harder with bbq's and such. Some of the topa side affects are settling down too. Not as dizzying anymore, but 25mg still makes me really tired. Can't see how people can take it in the mornings, hopefully that will go away. I plan on bumping up to 50mg this weekend.

      Couple of things I noticed, had a few bad dreams last night. Like angry dreams. I'm sure it's not from the topa because right about now is when my testosterone normally rebounds and I would have felt those flashes of aggression anyways (happened when I went cold turkey a few times). I'd normally take 5htp to mellow me out, but maybe later. Also, the tingling in the face has lessened. Still no cognition issues.

      The dreams are a new one though. It's like my brain is saying, I need my drugs now. I am also voraciously hungry, I did hit the weights last night but I'm not usually this hungry in the mornings even after going to the gym.

      -GS
      Last edited by greysquirrel; May 22nd, 2018 at 10:36 AM.
      - GS

    2. #12
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      Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

      Great work on day 3 Grey, i remember for me that when i did 7 days straight i was pretty damn happy with myself. that had not occurred in years and years. Then i just kept plodding along.

      With regards to how you are feeling, just accept and go with the flow. you have poured a toxin into your body for years and now your body is trying to heal. Listen to what it wants (just no knocking peoples heads off). i had awful headaches for 5+ weeks and was bone tired. Sleep when you are tired and eat when you are hungry. It all beats pouring al down your throat.

      I also hibernated for a few months and did not put myself in any temptation to drink. the world will not end if you dont attend a bbq. your sobriety is way more important at the moment and you need to make you your 100% priority. This is your life you are dealing with. We learn tools along the way on dealing in situations with regards to al. As a newbie you dont have those tools or plans. Sure you can have a plan not to drink but peer pressure is an awful thing to say no to, thus why just staying home and safe may be a better option.

      Cant help with those dreams.

      keep up the great work
      AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2018 - 5 years of living life as i should have done all of my life

      Ava is a SHPFFFDU ! (Special, honest, practical, fantastic friend from downunder) - thank you NS

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    4. #13
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      Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

      Hi available. Yea I've been hibernating. Staying away from the drinking buddies for sure, but winter is now over and I am starting to get antsy.

      I'm on day 4 now and so far so good. Body is feeling pretty good, not really having to whitenuckle it like I've done the past few times were I went a 1 or 2 week without a drink. The topa at 25mgs still makes me hella dizzy like I'm drunk and I was planning and bumping up to 50mgs this weekend (I've been taking at night). Sat will be a safe day to do it since I can sit around and do nothing if need be; I'll play it by ear. BTW it has been helping me get GREAT sleep.

      Anyways since it is getting warming I am picking up a newish hobby, skateboarding!. Haven't done it in years and yea I probably look like a fool, 35 yr old dude trying to do ollies and kickflips lol. But hey its fun, gets me out of the house, keeps me sober, it's exercise (no wonder those skateboarders are skinny), and it gives me my adrenaline rush. One thing I saw in common with everyone that quit AL when I read their stories here and on TSM blog is that the most successful people are the ones that find other activities to fill the void of their free time. Fidgeting and sitting around isn't going to help. I'll do my best to stay dry this weekend, won't make a promise and break it, I can't do it to myself anymore I just end up beating myself up in end. I'm gonna tell everyone that I'm taking medicine for a stomach ulcer and hopefully that will work!

      -GS

    5. #14
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      Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

      I think Grey there are much better things to do with your time than drinking. Skateboarding sounds like a great idea and it doesnt matter what you look like as long as you have fun and who knows you might find a non drinking set of friends to hang out with. I think i am jealous of your sleep, my sleeping pattern has always been bad so the 5-6 hours i get i appreciate. the best feeling is waking up without a hangover.

      When i first stopped drinking, i thought i would be bored out of my brain but its a myth, we need to find something new and it is good for us. Also when days were not so good in the beginning i made an effort to do three things per day so i didnt feel guilty. get out of bed, drink coffee and wash the dishes. Now i have been given a promotion at work and can start and finish when i want to. i would not have been given that opportunity if i had of been drinking.

      if you do have a plan to be with drinking people to have a plan like you have mentioned and to be a designated driver maybe. i know i felt deprived when i was out and others were drinking so it was easier to stay home (and sulk). now it doesnt worry me but it gets easier and if you think you will drink then my advice is to not go. Stopping and starting gives a great sense of guilt shame and remorse and the feeling of failure.

      enjoy that skateboarding. i'd break a bone if i tried it.
      AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2018 - 5 years of living life as i should have done all of my life

      Ava is a SHPFFFDU ! (Special, honest, practical, fantastic friend from downunder) - thank you NS

    6. #15
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      Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

      Day 5, the antsy-ness is easying off. Haven't really been craving AL very much, but probably a combination of supplements and medication on top of my many, many attempts to go sober finally paying off (I'm hoping). Either that or its placebo effect and I will hit the wall later down the road. Also, still hitting the weights as usual to help me rest better at night. The topa still makes me a bit dizzy when I take it but less and less so. I do notice I'm also groggy most mornings, not bad. It's kinda like I took an advil. I've never really taken medicine of any kind so it's probably me just still adjusting. My mood has been great these past few days, feel like the old me as hard as it is for me to believe. It's also a LOT easier to handle the stress at work. Lots of "healthy friction" with sales team in my role.

      Hi available. Trust me, the new found sleep is not lost on me. I've had trouble sleeping since I was a kid. First it was trouble falling asleep (mind racing, constantly analyzing things, etc). Over that past 10-15 it got so bad that I was lucky to get 5 MAYBE 6 hours of sleep which I thought was normal (apparently not) until these past 2 or so years where that got cut down to maybe 4 hrs a night and some nights not at all this past year and 1/2. It coincided with a bunch of stress and with when I started cutting down on AL. I tried everything under the blue moon. I've always used night supplements (melatonin, l-tryptophan, l-theanine, zquil, everything...), but when things got worse I then cut out sugar, coffee, increased exercise, decreased exercise, pop, etc all under the guise of lent, but really it was because my sleep was so piss poor and getting worse. I'd also cut down my drinking to about 20-30 drinks per week (I'm a 200lbs dude and I know it's still high, not as high as the 70+ I used to have!). So when I started getting the interrupted sleep or not sleeping at all I eventually broke and ended up having to see the shrink (first doctor in like 10+ years). He said it was anxiety, put me on trazodone (tried putting me on other anti-depressants but I refused) and told me I was having panic attacks in my sleep. I was pretty worried for my health at that point since I downloaded a heart rate tracking app and saw my heart rate jumping during the times I would wake up on my smartwatch.

      Anyhow, I ended reading a few studies about how alcohol messes up you wiring with GABA/gluthione/glutamine receptors and how it relates to sleep and it perfectly described everything that was going on with me. I would drink myself to sleep most nights, suppressing glutamine making you sleep for a few hrs, but would rebound and overload your brain trigger the fight/flight response. I'm no doctor or researcher, but this was exactly what I was experiencing once I removed AL. I just think my body got used to it. I was also falling into the moderate level of PAWS which is where I came across MWO and Roberta's excerpt thingy. Started doing more reading then talked to my doctor and he agreed to put me on topa, to my suprise. So far I've been sleeping much better, average 6 hrs. Which makes things hella easier.

      Did I answer your questions about sleep? Errr, umm, probably not because I rambled, my bad . I would recommend finding a shrink who specializes in sleep like my does. Some even do visits remotely through skype. PM if you have more questions.

      -GS
      Last edited by greysquirrel; May 24th, 2018 at 10:35 AM.

    7. #16
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      Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

      Day 6, made it through another day. Yesterday ended up tougher than I thought. The nice 80 degree plus weather kept me thinking about how awesome it would be to sit outside drinking a nice cold one watching people go by. That and having a bar in our office lobby with outdoor seating in our lobby can be pretty persuading but being on here helped remind me why I shouldn't do it. It's not the few that I have with some co-workers or friends after work enjoying the weather that everyone sees. It's the 10 I continue to down afterwards that no body sees that does me in. Anyways, feeling pretty good thus far and not counting my chickens before they hatch.
      - GS

    8. #17
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      Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

      Great work on getting through day 6 Grey. its funny how we visualise sitting having fun and a drink when the reality to us is being by ourselves and drinking into oblivion until we passed out, we can never be normal drinkers. even after years of non drinking i have that fleeting thought of how nice it would be and then the film starts rolling of what i would be like weeks or months down the track and its not pretty. what would be nicer is being on your skateboard enjoying the freedom of not drinking.

      Oh sleep, the coma sleep of being drunk versus the sober sleep. I think for me bringing up 4 children and not sleeping for 15 plus years instilled in me that any sleep is to be appreciated. i didnt know about sleep psychs though which is an interesting thought. i do take melatonin some times but for me stress is my sleep deprivator. i am grateful for my 6 hours of deep sleep now and waking up feeling great. i remember waking up hungover and there was a particular bird that used to chirp every morning, damn i wanted to shoot that bird!

      I was a two bottle a day drinker so not sure how many units or glasses i drank a week but i do know that 70 glasses sounds a lot, ha ha. god two bottles a night was a lot and i also used goblet sized glasses to save the walk to the fridge. now i have a goblet mug of tea.

      Well day 7 for you tomorrow and great work, its all about changing our thinking and our lives and after 4+ years i can guarantee that you will never ever regret sobriety. Just keep plodding along each and every day. Always have a plan for just in case and an escape route.
      AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2018 - 5 years of living life as i should have done all of my life

      Ava is a SHPFFFDU ! (Special, honest, practical, fantastic friend from downunder) - thank you NS

    9. #18
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      Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

      Hi greysquirrel. Welcome! How are you doing? babble away friend.

      In your first post you said 'day 1 of trying to fix my head'. For me, this is where it's at mainly. My thinking is the problem, less so my drinking. Learning to manage my thoughts and understand where my cravings come from and why. Learning and understanding what happens to my body chemistry when mixed with alcohol and why. Knowledge is power and i've found some inner exploration of body and mind very useful.

      If my head is not right, if my emotional balance is out, then i have no anchor. What do i want in this life and how do i want to live are questions i have had to address. Go for it. Keep us posted on your progress!

      'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

      Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

    10. #19
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      Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

      Hi, GS--

      It was amazing to me how much of my "anxiety" and other whacked out feelings I had subsided when I quit drinking. Of course I know in my head that alcohol causes anxiety, but I didn't know the extent alcohol was affecting my moods even on non-drinking, non-hungover days. I still get anxious, but wow, my wild mood swings have settled down. I just woke up from a 9 hour sleep - unheard of 5+ years ago.

      Let's celebrate a week sober today!

      Pav

    11. #20
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      Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

      HI Available, Ha! yes those damn birds! So many sleeplessness nights and I thought it was just me. You are right about that film playing, that's exactly how it went for me. I thought about how nice those first 2 or 3 beers would be sitting outside enjoying the weather then I remember how the ending usually goes for me. Waking up after a 2 or 3 week bender looking in the mirror tell myself, you done did it again boy. So I walked my happy @ss home.
      -GS

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