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  1. #521
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

    Hi all...

    Am I ever glad I stopped in and read Byrdie's reply about "fake it till you make it" between 6 and 9 months. I really needed to hear that.

    Thanks for sharing your struggles Star...you've helped me a lot....I'm with you, I never want to go back....PPQP

  2. #522
    Registered User. Starfish1's Avatar

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    Oh yes, I was super glad to see that I am not the only one struggling at this stage of the game. We are going to make it, no doubt. And yes, Lav...I am counting my blessings more and more these days, thanks!

  3. #523
    Forum Subscriber. Byrdlady's Avatar

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    PPQ and Star, I was really flat feeling during that time...it's hard to explain. Just, BLEH. I would read others who seemed off the charts with their moods, and I just wasn't feeling the LOVE, you know. Nelz was a few months behind me and he seemed to be getting it and I wasn't. Is this all there is? But finally the seas parted and the sun came out. It's been out ever since, too, I'm happy to say. Hang in there!! This is temporary and it will pass, you'll be so glad you stayed around to reap the magic. Byrdie

  4. #524
    Registered User. Starfish1's Avatar

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    100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

    Haha, yeah, Byrdie- I am sandwiched in between the AMAZING DUO, Kuya and Allan (quite an act to follow) and just ahead of the incredible Catbuddy!
    We all have our own paths to follow, though, and as long as we all get to the same place (staying on the straight and narrow, that is), I guess its A-OK for us all to feel differently along the way.
    You know, guys, yesterday, I went back to read one of my favorite posts, that letter from (or to?) the seven monkees- That really "spoke" to me back in October, when I was first starting out-
    I was reminded that part of the healing process is learning how to feel again. Just like some of you have been saying. I sure did use booze to numb my feelings for a long time….And Kuya talks about us “growing up” and dealing with our spoilt childlike selves….I am beginning to see all of this as a positive sign of growth for me and am thinking of it as a very good thing.
    Thanks for your support and for helping me think out loud-
    xoxo

  5. #525
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    100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

    Star, I wonder if the main difference between this quit and your last is fear.

    You now know that relapse is possible and that is causing background anxiety.......which, of course, makes you want to drink.

    Your signature actually confirms that theory. I understand .....my first quit was really easy, done alone, but it was soooo hard to get sober again when I relapsed.

    I now look at it differently, having seen how different people are.

    My first quit was like getting on a horse and having natural talent, thinking it was easy until I had a fall. Then my confidence was badly shaken, I didn't want to get back on for ages......(.but round these parts it's the only form of transport. :H).

    Our first quits, no matter how long, could be seen as staying on the horse by sheer dumb luck !

    You are now much warier of falling off, and not enjoying it with the carefree, blissful ignorance of your first quit. In truth, you are giving your sobriety the respect it truly deserves.

    Soon though you will get your nerve back. The very real learning of skills done THIS time will make you competent and ultimately confidant.

  6. #526
    Registered User. RunningCourage's Avatar

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    Hi - quick (and legit ) pop in - not read back the last page but just caught Kuya's post. Star, not sure where you're at, but Kuya's post rings true to me just now. This quit is not blissful ignorance. No longer a novelty. And there is a daily concern of what would happen if I just had one drink... Even after over 100 days AF, I remain vigilant knowing that it took only one small bottle of beer to lead me, within 48 hours, back to my old drinking ways of just 3 small months ago...And knowing it can as easy happen today.

    But very gradually I believe my nerves are getting stronger.

  7. #527
    Registered User. Starfish1's Avatar

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    Thanks Kuya and RC-

    You are both so right!

    Kuya- I have never thought of my first quit as sheer dumb luck- but that is exactly what it was, I think.

    After doing a lot of soul-searching over the past few days, and thanks to the wisdom I have gained from this site- I think I am able to point the finger at exactly why that luck ran out and how this time is different. This has given me courage.

    I have never posted "my story". I did begin writing it down, but it got so long, I abandoned it- I may have time to do that one day. But just for now, I want to document what I have discovered about the difference in my last quit and this one.

    First of all, the last time, I traded my AL addiction for another addiction. Although my new addiction seemed much healthier and didn't seem harmful to me or others, at the time, I realized that it was just another form of escape. In other words, I never learned how to deal with my problems. I never grew up enough to stop running away and hiding. Kuya and RC's spoiled child syndrome. This time, through all the pain, I am hanging tough and actually dealing with issues that need to be dealt with. Byrdie made me feel better the other day by one of her posts that made me realize that this pain actually needs to be viewed as progress. And Lav, I AM slowly working that attitude of gratitude! Wow, do I need that one!

    Another factor, I think for my failure last time was that some circumstances developed so that the opportunities for drinking were brought back into my life. I had a job change, in which I would be traveling more frequently and having a lot of socials with the new work crew. You know what that meant! Also, a couple of my daughters were going away to college at the same time and that meant less accountability- two less sets of eyes watching my every move.

    I had also been prescribed an antidepressant during the time of my last quit and I have read that sometimes this causes a craving to drink- don't know if this is true or not.

    Anyway, I believe these factors- immaturity and incapability of coping with life's problems, more opportunity to drink and less accountability were the major reasons for that relapse.

    Kuya- you are so right, that now I am afraid because I know what can so easily happen.

    I need to dwell more on the positives this time (while keeping that healthy respect, I think)- but this time- you all are allowing me to see the path to long term sobriety- and not only letting me see it, but walking it with me and leading the way :l

    Thank you all, so much!

  8. #528
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    100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

    Catching up...Byrd, I can totally relate to your party issue. We have some very good friends, do a lot with them but boy can she lay it on anyone who is not in the room at the time. How they do this, that, drink too much I (as she gets pretty loaded herself). Over the past few yesars, I have kind of drifted away from them, DW still likes to go there and visit, sometimes I go, more often not. Just too much drama and BS!

    Attitude of gratitude: I'm just glad to wake up SOBER every morning. I remember when that was not the case. And it ain't worth going back there.
    BHOG

  9. #529
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    100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

    Hi all, and Star, it is GREAT to see you here.

    Yeah, we're approaching six months. I'm pretty excited really. And the last 30 days have been a total bitch. I think shifting off my SSRI after years (and I mean twelve years) has been quite an adjustment. Whether that's the root or not, I've had terrible cravings as well. Not given in, no, not going to happen. But quite frustrating, really. I am truly seeing how these early days of sobriety are the classic roller coaster. Thank God for this thread, right? You can be just Star here, and let it out.

    Damn good on you not having that margarita. What a silly decision that would have been. And that explains why your husband could ask - because he can never get how that one drink may end your decision power for a long, long time. Maybe for good. He can't fathom that, and give him a strong hug for that. He doesn't have our issue.

    I also think that my struggles are due to dealing with the crap that alcohol allowed me to avoid. My job is at the top of that list. Next comes money. Next comes the long-awaited divorce process. Next comes self-esteem. Boy. Escape seems pretty desirable. But AL, sugar, drugs - all not options. So. Time to grow up and deal with problems rather than avoid them. Maybe six months is about the time we recognize how hard this being an adult is.

    Lav's attitude of gratitude is a VERY adult thing. Lav, we're trying to get out of diapers, really. It's just going to take a bit of time.

    Cat

    (PS my avatar of a baby's foot was chosen for a (still valid) reason.

  10. #530
    Forum Subscriber. Byrdlady's Avatar

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    100 Day Club members/Maintenance Thread

    Cat, going off AD (Cymbalta) sent me on the ride of my life. Almost over the edge....it took 6 weeks to get my head back on after I stopped. I'd been taking it for 5 years. CRAZY thoughts, just outrageous thoughts....I feel for you. I hope I am never faced with taking them again. It would have to be a catastrophe to get one of those in me again.
    I look at this getting sober thing and facing our past and issues of present like an Oceanliner parting thru ice up in the artic. Before, we either stopped and turned around or we tried to go around the obstacle. We never really faced it or tried to tackle it. Now we go right thru it....and once it is sorted, it's sorted! You got not so bad shit over here, and hideous shit over there...and so forth. It doesn't always stay as hard as it is in that in-between time (that someone so eloquently posted the other day). It gets easier, and halleloooya that it does! There's just a massive amount of crap that has piled up and must be sorted thru and after that it is smoother sailing. At least that's the way it was for me.
    XXOO, Byrdie

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