July Mod Squad

[guapo]

My Deal

satz123;1687993 wrote: Hi there.
I interested in how moderation works for folks on here.
Does it work for you ?



I think now that drinking alcohol is abnormal. Specifically for 'us' because we know we have a problem with al - after all that is what brought us & keeps us here ?

Knowing I had an issue with overdrinking, (3 bottles of wine/day was typical, I guess that's abnormal !) I asked the "experts" in my profession what to do. "Sign yourself into an outpatient but live-in sober house, with 8 weeks of 12 step based therapy and immediate abstinence. Then submit to random urine testing for 5 years, and 90 meetings in 90 days" Cost= $30,000 (about 14K pounds I suppose)

Wow I thought, is that my only option. Holy crap... What a nightmare.

The internet led me to the Sinclair Method (which helps, but isn't a be-all, cure-all). There are great books about moderation and seeing alcohol for what it really is, those helped too

Now I just drink sometimes, mostly at dinner ( I like good food, good wine) or at a family event. Never to get drunk, never over 3 drinks, EVER. My previous drinking habits never resulted in anything good, but drinking sanely is fine, and cannot lead to anything bad.

It works for me, I'm happy as hell, I never struggle, and am in control. So it's not one day at a time, but rather just a new better approach to life in general. Here's a quote form someone who summed it up well:

"It goes far beyond "getting to drink" - it's about mastery of self-control and sovereignty over oneself."

Maybe someday I'll stop drinking. Compared to where I was, the amount consumed now is next to nothing.

This forum is overwhelming abstinence oriented, but moderation is right for some, and it doesn't need to be difficult.

[Stewarts]

"So it's not one day at a time, but rather just a new better approach to life in general" Guapo that is a great quote...I like that a lot...I should start thinking like that... the journey.... it's great but a journey....oh, ha I got another funny story....it's just not my day with women...this "friend" of mine in Boston, I just texted, "ever have one of those days you just need a hug?" Well, I haven't spoken to her since may...we are connected on all the various social media, etc...she actually wrote back..."sorry for being absent, you just came on way to strong last time (when I visited her, I stayed over) and don't want to persue a relationship or friendship." ?!?!?!? I actually laughed. I really thought we'd be friends or we were friends and she's been thinking about this since May ?!?! I just wrote back, "Whoa, random, ok, still random...but ok. :-)" And the proceeded to delete all her contact info, social media connections etc....

It looks like I am just going to have one of those days LOL!!!

j.

[DancingGirl]

satz123;1687993 wrote: Hi there.
I interested in how moderation works for folks on here.
Does it work for you ?

I have fought with my weight for decades and to me moderation of alcohol seems the same and just as painful.
I can have that - but I can't have that - even though everyone else is having that

Hi Satz,

Your question seems in good faith and I like dialogue. I'm not going to give as long an answer as my friend Stewarts but it's really a great exercise to reflect.

I definitely see people's relationship with alcohol on a sliding scale and perhaps the comparison with food and weight is a useful one. There are people who never have a problem and never will. There are people who had or have momentary problems, but they are an anomaly. Then there are people like me, who definitely have a drinking problem, but it is controllable. Then there are people like many on this site, who really never can have "just one" and have stories that make me cry.

My struggle with AL is sort of like someone who gets in the habit of buying fast food for lunch everyday. S/he gains weight, gets pimples, knows that the diet of burgers, pizza, pop, and chips isn't ideal, but, well, it tastes good and is just the ritual. So - why not brown bag it, but every once in a while have a piece of pizza? I can imagine it being a struggle, especially at the beginning. Perhaps there are friends that all go out for burgers together. Perhaps to get water, one has to go past the cafeteria and SMELL that delicious pizza. Argue, control, break the habit, but sometimes have some chips anyway.

BUT - this is different from someone who is morbidly obese, or has an eating disorder, and copious attendant health problems.

Now, I know that the metaphor breaks down when one realises that we all have to eat, and no one but no one HAS to drink. But when I think about my journey with moderate drinking, the comparison seems apt.

I have a habit of getting a glass of wine when I get home from work. If I'm home early and get the glass at 4:30, I'll have a second and then a couple at dinner. Four glasses of wine for me is too much, and every day is definitely above the recommended units etc. etc. But, two things about my own experience: first is that 4-5 is really the limit. I don't finish the bottle and start on the next, get completely hammered, and ... well ... etc. I have an off switch. The second is that if I delay having the first glass until I'm ready for dinner, I can quite easily just have 1 or 2. The wine enhances the food, then I stop when it's time for dessert.

My struggle is with the habit and making sure that I have several AF days a week. "Normal" relationship with AL - no. Moderation possible - yes.

I think this has turned out to be long after all!!

Be well

[Stewarts]

fast food analogy

DancingGirl;1688043 wrote: Hi Satz,

Your question seems in good faith and I like dialogue. I'm not going to give as long an answer as my friend Stewarts but it's really a great exercise to reflect.

I definitely see people's relationship with alcohol on a sliding scale and perhaps the comparison with food and weight is a useful one. There are people who never have a problem and never will. There are people who had or have momentary problems, but they are an anomaly. Then there are people like me, who definitely have a drinking problem, but it is controllable. Then there are people like many on this site, who really never can have "just one" and have stories that make me cry.

My struggle with AL is sort of like someone who gets in the habit of buying fast food for lunch everyday. S/he gains weight, gets pimples, knows that the diet of burgers, pizza, pop, and chips isn't ideal, but, well, it tastes good and is just the ritual. So - why not brown bag it, but every once in a while have a piece of pizza? I can imagine it being a struggle, especially at the beginning. Perhaps there are friends that all go out for burgers together. Perhaps to get water, one has to go past the cafeteria and SMELL that delicious pizza. Argue, control, break the habit, but sometimes have some chips anyway.

BUT - this is different from someone who is morbidly obese, or has an eating disorder, and copious attendant health problems.

Now, I know that the metaphor breaks down when one realises that we all have to eat, and no one but no one HAS to drink. But when I think about my journey with moderate drinking, the comparison seems apt.

I have a habit of getting a glass of wine when I get home from work. If I'm home early and get the glass at 4:30, I'll have a second and then a couple at dinner. Four glasses of wine for me is too much, and every day is definitely above the recommended units etc. etc. But, two things about my own experience: first is that 4-5 is really the limit. I don't finish the bottle and start on the next, get completely hammered, and ... well ... etc. I have an off switch. The second is that if I delay having the first glass until I'm ready for dinner, I can quite easily just have 1 or 2. The wine enhances the food, then I stop when it's time for dessert.

My struggle is with the habit and making sure that I have several AF days a week. "Normal" relationship with AL - no. Moderation possible - yes.

I think this has turned out to be long after all!!

Be well

Dancing Girl, I think the fast food analogy is perfect. I know I have, and I'm sure others have said to themselves, "Why do I make myself sick?" I k now I'm going to get sick, feel bad, etc....why do it? People with food, I think, know this food is not good for them, but still find themselves eating it, knowing this.

Funny I was thinking again to when I felt most secure...it was when I met my wife and we first started dating....and ironically, my last disaster gf...I didn't feel the need to drink...with the last one it only happened when things started getting bad....

I remember when I first met my wife, still, those, wow, almost 8 years ago...I was modding like a champ.... I don't know why I've become so insecure lately...

:/

j.

[guapo]

No doubt this is different for everyone, the obesity analogy is pretty apt. Everyone needs to find their own way with this process if they want to get better. What is indisputable is that whether you abstain or moderate, there's no way your life wont improve

Thinking back to when I was drinking all the time, and did nothing to fix it, makes me thank God I finally did

In the big picture though I think the vast majority of people aren't doing anything about their drinking, and that's the real shame, because it can be done

[Stewarts]

guapo, again...well said...

Yes, totally agree. I think one of the biggest issues is, well, let's face, some of the behavior is acceptable, or people have short memories.

I was thinking of my situation and how I could've avoided it, reality, AL or not, I probably couldn't have. It's funny how easy it is to forget how sick (mentally or physically) the AL can make you when your feeling nerves, or simply want to show someone a good time.

I think I am need to accept who I am now, and not what I was. I am not the big party guy anymore. I spend my weekends with my family up in Rhode Island, not tearing it up along South Hampton, etc. My Saturday will consist of me fishing with my dad and not running around town with some random chick snorting lines off her, etc. If people think I'm "boring" because of that, I guess I can't do anything about it. I can't think I have something to prove or feel like "you should've seen me back in the day."

Or maybe I just need find another way to let my non-professional, "creative" side, if you want to call it that out.

Because gaupo, you're right, while I said my train wreck date last night might have been going to happen anyway, the AL just made it that more dramatic. And would to it turn into.... a drunken sex romp with a "this is not going to work out" text after. The 29 version of me, might have looked at that as a great night...(or maybe more like the 25, version:-) ) But's not me anymore....it's not what I want out of life. I don't think I need to be ashamed to admit that all I really want is a "boring", "normal" life.

[nonamegirl]

HI, all!
So, Satz, I am wondering just a bit if you are asking us how moderation is going for us because you want to think it doesn't work for anyone (forgive me, we get a lot of this from the abbers, and sometimes it gets a bit sharply toned) or if you are thinking of moderating yourself. I am happy to answer you in either case, and I haven't made it a secret how I feel.

Moderation takes work. It takes a mind willing to give up somethings and choose others. It doesn't work for everyone, but it can work. I am happy with my two or three evenings a week of two glasses of wine. Every once in awhile I do let go and over-indulge, but those times are planned for in advance and taken care of afterward with a good cleanse.

I can happily leave wine in the bottle after my two glasses. I can have a bottle of liquor in the cabinet and not have it draw me. There have been times in my life when those things weren't true, so I believe I can say that moderation is working for me.

Hope everyone is doing well! Stewarts, my friend, I always enjoy reading your long posts. It makes me feel like I've shared an evening with a friend in the city....

[Stewarts]

HA, NNG, I am glad I am able to entertain.... For the record, I feel a lot better today.... usually the second day after things come into perspective....and even with modding, you learn something every day. I should've shared, and said I didn't want to talk about, instead of feeling uneasy and/or worrying about if I starting coming across as "boring."

Retrospect, it was a good thing. If this girl flipped out like that over something so trivial, and there was no exaggeration, she went from California, happy-go-lucky, kind of ditsy, to literally saying, "I hate you" and "I will hurt you". That's some bi-polar sh@#.

I chatted with some normal girls yesterday, I didn't tell them of the event, of course, just I was having one of those days I could use a hug.

Anyway, I still need to watch some tihngs...my rebel brain likes to come out in matters like this, especially with women...apparently... Because I was with the same person for so long, and married, I forgot what I was like in my early to mid twenties...those nights were like par for the course, truth be told, I even kind of liked them... Wow, I am remembering now my girlfriend before my wife....I was 27, I think, she was from Venezuela, she was Venezuelan and Lebanese...and had the stereotypical cra cra you hear from both cultures, that was an interesting time in my life... LOL

j.

P.S. NNG, in retrospect, that whole night, two nights a go, looking back, was kind of a stupid/funny typical night in NYC with some psycho and nothing more.... I guess in my heart, I just want more out of life..actually, I know I do.

[satz123]

Stewarts;1688020 wrote:

Take it one day at a time. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. And you know what, most people, or I should say a lot of people have problems with alcohol, they just don't see it and I'm not talking about alcoholics, their issues are much more dire - it's life and death.

The good news for you Satz, is you want to do something about it. And you know what. You will.

j.

Thanks for that Stewarts.
Thing is - I have done it - as my tag line says - 'MY WAY'.
I have the Army thread + lots of reading and daily posting on MWO to thank for that.
And MY WAY was a gradual cutting down then cutting out of alcohol.
I found once I stopped I did not want to re-introduce it.
The times I did during the past 2 years I did not like the experience.

I do feel my age and social circle had a lot to do with it too.
I did the same with cigarettes - I felt I had had my 'innings' so was time to hang up my hat

Most unseemly for a mature lady to be getting plastered in public or at home for that matter.......

[Stewarts]

satz123;1688337 wrote: ....I found once I stopped I did not want to re-introduce it.
)

Well, if you don't WANT to introduce it, then just don't.... :-)


j.