September Mod Squad

[Stewarts]

Well, I'm definitely in a bad mood and it has nothing to do with drinking. I was with my therapist this morning and she asked how I was feeling and I was honest, empty, etc. I had my school weekend this past weekend, which was fine; Friday night people wanted to go out and I did, I did drink. We left early, but for some reasons I stopped in a place, before I decided to go home ?? I was sick the next day, and I should've expected, the taps at that place are gross! I got through Saturday, and did not go out with the group Saturday Night.

Kind of funny how I started that with a drinking night, anyway, I had been noticing the classic depression thoughts creeping in all week. I actually like my new classmates, or Cohorts as we call them in business school. Drinking more than usual right after class, was not that surprising, for all of us, we were all under a lot of stress. We all ended that night, even the late ones, we I got dragged into, at a reasonable time. I was heading back to the UES by 8:30, class ended 5pm. The reason I stopped in the shitbox near my apartment, I was finally feeling good, emotionally, the first time all week, and wanted to prolong it. I just had a few beers, but I didn't need those. I just sat there and chatted with the bartender a little, and went home.

The depressive thoughts had already, before I even went out, thinking no one really wanted me around, which I know was not true. A bunch of had planned to go out this coming Saturday to the school's homecoming game, which I am now thinking of passing up on, because I don't feel wanted. That, on top of trying to avoid AL in these situations, can make me extremely anti-social.

Just now, in my office, we have a lot of annoying young, idiot brokers, but I (we) deal with them. I share an office with someone who is my peer level. We even talk about how annoying they are and clueless. For example, if someone is looking for me, they ask me office mate where I am, and vice-versa, like we're each others personal secretary. Anyway, one came in doing that.....and I NASTILY responded, didn't yell, but very curt said, "I'm not his f#$%in' secretary, I don't know, don't ask me again."

Trust me, I'll get over this and not lose any sleep over it. My office mate and I are laughing about it right now. But, my response was so automatic; usually if I'm going to be nasty to someone, I think about it, and see if there's a reason for it, usually, there isn't.

The only reason I'm bringing it up, it just further gives me evidence that I am in a bad mood and low mood, depression is creeping in.

J.

P.S. The kid just came in. I told him, with my officemate there, who agrees with me, why this annoys us and it's not personal, which it totally wasn't, I do like this kid.... they just haven't been trained very well.

[nonamegirl]

Hey, Stewarts,
I hope your week gets better. Work sucks. I actually hate that phrase, but in this case it is completely accurate. Take care of yourself and try to get some extra rest so that the depression doesn't get too bad. I'll send you strong good wishes ...

[Stewarts]

I actually had a good night's sleep last night. I even did a hypnosis recording before bed, which helped a lot. I hadn't done one in awhile, it definitely cleared the brain.

I still don't want to go to thing on Saturday. I probably should. As my therapist said, the depression is your mortal enemy, it is making you not want to do things. The feeling that people don't want you around, is false, which I even know, the rational brain interprets it like that, because that is what it does; the reality is, the depression doesn't want you near anyone, so they rational brain tells you, "the people don't want you around, don't bother with them, just stay in."

[guapo]

Stewarts, I think a good way to deal with those kinds of things is just to get out and do it.

I think the mind changes a lot when you're not doing the same old habits and intoxicants as before, and that takes a while to get adjusted to a new reality.

All the best

G

[-143]

Hi everybody!!!! I'm still struggling!!!! But refuse to give up!!!! Hope to never be like this but it seems like it would be a lot easier if I was a mean drunk or was unfaithful or something like that! But I have a lot of fun drinking.... I just really enjoy it! That makes we feel weird .......cause I know that's not a good thing! I wonder if I'll ever just not want to drink????

I missed you guys!!!!! Glad you all are doing so well!!!! Keep me in your prayers!!!

Sunday the guys started putting the tarp on the roof!!!!! Thank You Lord!!! And my daughter is 6 months now!!! So.....we're planning the baby shower.... having much fun!!! I love having projects to work on!!!!

I'll start posting again more often! :happyheart::happyheart::happyheart:

[Stewarts]

There's nothing wrong if you enjoy drinking, I don't think; if it makes you feel bad afterwards, or is hurting your physical health, etc., then I think it's an issue. I had lunch today with a business partner and a client, we were at Eatly, on the Roof, which is this NYC Flatiron thing. Client wanted a glass of wine, so I had one; I actually had two, but we had a long lunch on this roof deck. I was fine. I didn't feel bad or drunk about it at all. I will probably go home, go on a run, and have a light dinner, if anything at all.

OH, guapo, the recording I used was that app you recommended, you were right about that guys voice. I really put it on to just get to sleep....very cool.

j.

[guapo]

Glad you liked it, S.

Kind of breaks up that mind chatter that drives you nuts, And resets things, doesn't it

[WildRoses]

hi all -
stewarts - i understand depression. are you living and pursuing the life you really want? just asking. i am asking myself these questions.

i am having a good month. not eating a lot, or drinking a lot. i have a lot i am dealing with, that i don't want to get into detail here. to be honest, i am tired of dealing with teenagers. I am a single mom, and have been for a long time. i won't give up, ever on loving and taking care of them, but i am tired of care taking. i am journaling a lot about what i want and who knows? maybe i will change my life a bit. i am happy now, but feel a bit stuck and bored.
has anyone here read The Heart Of Addiction by lance dodes? any thoughts? to me it makes a lot of sense.

[Stewarts]

Hi Wild Ross, hmmm, that's a good question and I ask it myself a lot. First, I have nothing I should be complaining about. I did start getting my MBA, and truth be told, I often think about changing my careers. You can make a lot of money in it, you can also make zero. My heads have done an awful job growing and managing this office. With all that said, for better or worse, my family finances ensure that I will never be homeless and I even have some side business with my father.....but I guess things seemed so easier in my twenties and early thirties...I was married, I was making consistent great money, etc. I guess I just didn't see myself where I am now, when I was younger...which is actually a good spot, ironically. I know guys that would change to be in my place in a heartbeat...but I guess these are the things I think about...

[Stewarts]

wow...it won't go away today... there's been no drinking, no anything, I can't shake the feeling...