My baclofen journey

[georgesmiley]

Thank you @_serenity_ means a lot. I've benefited so much from the guidance of those who went before me.

I'll keep posting. Both to keep myself on track, and because I can see that there are so many others googling away, looking for pointers.

I see no reason to change what I'm doing. It's my birthday tomorrow, and there'll be pressure to drink. I may have a sip. As I said, I was never a 'catch the thirst, watch me dive' drinker - more 'slow and steady wins the race.' So we'll see. Thanks to all the people here and elsewhere who posted about their journey.

I do find it bewildering that so many people have found this drug so beneficial, yet medical doctors 'trial' it with 3 x 10mg a day and declare it doesn't work! It wouldn't even work for spasticity at that dose - its primary purpose.

The side effects were troubling while I was titrating up (the crushing urge to sleep hitting me like a runaway train in a split second being the worst). But now I'm at my sweet spot, they're barely there.

And 1-2 bottles of wine a night is hardly side-effect free...

[georgesmiley]

So, it's been a month since I drank. I'm clearly not out of the woods yet - life is a whole heap of shit (boss, colleagues, partner, kid's mum, my own mum, money, you know the score). But here I am, tapping away, sober.

I ask myself why I'm not drinking - it'd be a "solution" to a lot of this mess (which is why we all do it, right?). But I just can't seem now to be bothered. That all encompassing yearning - gone.

[georgesmiley]

Oh and as a ps....not a drop on my birthday.

[georgesmiley]

So...about six weeks since my last drink.

I have no yearning to. Though I'm kinda dreading the end of lockdown - it's hard to imagine going out with some friends without having a good ol' time.

I still have no real sense of what it's for. Clearly, something made me stockpile all this baclofen, but it's almost like a can't remember what. I guess knowing that I couldn't go on drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a night forever.

There's always that voice saying, 'Well - you were never that sort of drunk. You were never falling down. You never drank a litre of spirits in a day.' It's a nagging voice that doesn't take me anywhere at the moment, because I have no yearning to drink.

But what baclofen does not take away - nothing can - is the reason why we drink.

[georgesmiley]

I would also add that I don't think the side-effects of baclofen are all that troubling any more.

[_serenity_]

That's wonderful news, @georgesmiley. You have attained indifference. I too stopped noticing side effects from baclofen after I leveled off my dosage.

[georgesmiley]

So, a sober Christmas. In a way, lockdown is a benefit here, as I'd be out at social events. And Christmas is, of course, traditionally associated with afternoon drinking...

The temptation, though, has sort-of drifted into consciousness a few times around 4 or 5pm - "Go on, you can have a couple, you've proved you're not hooked any more, it's Christmas, it's normal, it's anti-social not to..."

Except, of course, I'm thinking about drinking on my own - which is not exactly pro-social - and I can very clearly see the thoughts and emotions that explicitly prompt the thoughts to do so. And those thoughts and emotions come back routinely, day in, day out.

So, following @Baclofenman 's advice, I've upped the daily dose slightly to 150mg/d. And mindful of @_serenity_ 's advice, I'm definitely not going to let my guard down, drop the dose, or give in.

I need to look back on a life where I started day-time drinking at 21. I started storing booze in my desk at grad school in my mid/late 20s. I went to see my first alcohol counsellor at about 28. And since my mid/late 30s, I've drunk 100+ UK units of alcohol minimum a week, and quite often at times of trouble routinely 150+ units - and I'm 49 now.

I can see that I need to make other changes too. I need to go back to mindfulness. I need to run and do some exercise. Because these things (irrespective of the physical benefits) have clear psychological effects that are obviously undeniable.

So, to all the drunks out there, I want to say: Christmas is such a challenge. Cut yourself some slack - if you couldn't fix it in the rest of the year, don't beat yourself up if you can't fix it this week or next.

But for two months now (and that's a short spread of time, so I'm not confident or cocky), my way out has been baclofen. It took a lot of research, reading, experimenting with online ordering, plucking up the courage to have a go (partly because of the side effect fears, partly because I just f*+%ing love drinking), but have a go I did, and thus far, it's worked.

I'll keep updating.

Booze or no booze, we've all had a miserable 2020 - let's hope 2021 offers more hope in every respect.

[georgesmiley]

So... two months, and no drinking.

I'm gonna stick with it - as @_serenity_ says, stopping seems like a mug's game.
@Baclofenman managed to give up the baclofen too... at the moment, I see no need to do that for a goooood while. I think I need to just 'learn to be' at this stage.

Chin up, everyone. This shitstorm of a year is over. Let's pray for something better...

[georgesmiley]

And now three months. Remarkable.

It's only three months. In my head, it's a few years!

I would say the anxiolytic effect of this is wearing off maybe? Hard to tell. Life is a shit show for everyone right now. If you're not anxious, you want your head looking at.

I had a drink the other day. A rum and coke. I was on my own, and thought I'd try it. It kind of disgusted me; I couldn't finish it.

In a way, that's not indifference; indifference would mean being able to enjoy it when enjoying it was in order, and leaving it when it's not. This was a mixture of guilt, and just not liking it.

So - baclofen, thank you. The majestic fuck up that is Brexit is making it harder to source the stuff, but I built up a big supply in case I need to taper.

Stray strong, people.