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Thread: People pleasing

  1. #1
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    People pleasing

    I decided to reach out to my peeps for some thoughts on this other paralyzing habit of mine. I'm a great one to give advice I can't seem to follow:

    You guys are so correct about this venture of ours to be sober-minded being all about courage. Things start to clear up without the mask of drunkeness, and we begin to see ourselves for who we really are. I am crippled by fear of what others think of me. Not in a vain way, but rather things like, am I friendly enough, concerned enough, DOING enough etc..

    Yesterdays discussion really hit a raw nerve with me. I'm also reading a book called Approval Addiction by Joyce Myers which has been wonderful and awful all at once. I see my disfunction on every page, and for the first time in my life I feel so sad for the little girl inside my thirty-nine year old body. How can I possibly believe I can make EVERYONE happy with me? Even so, I obsessively try, making myself sick in the process.

    Watching all of you wonderful souls in your journey has given me the courage to face this truth. I can finally admit what might be behind my self-destructive bingeing, and be free to live again.

    Please share your thoughts as I suspect there are many of us struggling with this issue.

    Love,
    Lori

  2. #2
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    People pleasing

    Hi Lori,

    I am so glad to come in here and read your comment about people pleasing. I swear doors are opened in here that otherwise may stay closed with us standing behind it, alone.

    I too am a people pleaser. I am also someone who will try beyond belief to help the person that hurts me the most and diserves it the least.

    I have so many things bad happen when I am around a certain someone, yet I continue to go, even when my heart says, He is going to do something. I let him wound my very soul over and over. I so need to be done with this.
    I am saying things that are really true lately and he cannot stand it. In the meantime I don't have the heart to stay away since his uncle just died and his Mother is going into assisted living. I know that I need to stay away for myself and for him. He thinks all he has to do is stop drinking. He is in maintenance mode. I am beyond that. I am trying very hard to work on my character flaws... which I am finding out are many. I know if I continue to let him into my life I will drink. Every time I let him in I do drink. It is not his fault, but it is how I feel when I am with him. I keep contact very minimal... but that even is hurting me. I want so bad to fix him yet I know he must do this himself. It is not a good match at all. Although I have known him for a very long time. He doesn't know me. I really don't think he ever will. I must move on to save myself. This is hard stuff... Yet it does take courage to face the TRUTH.

    I know I was blessed today because your message has caused me to see something very clear in my journey that I need to see in order to have a better life.... and after all the bad things that were happening when I was with this person, it just all makes sence.

    I have my wonderful forum to attend! I have my life and I know I am loved. That needs to be enough reason why I put myself first this time. Thank You Lori for opening this door for me!

    When you speak of the little girl in you... Wow! I so understand this.

    I have started to embrace that little girl in me and let her know it's OK. When you take care of her, nurture her, put her first sometimes, this will make her strong. She will always be there but healthy. She then changes You, the Woman. (This is true for men too! although replace with little boy and Man! I don't want to exclude!) I am going through the same thing. I have gone from feeling sorry for that little girl to loving her and treating her well and kind. I get to do this also because I have my own now. I am 45 and I have a 4 and 1/2 year old daughter. Would I take my own daughter to some of the places I have taken myself? No, I wouldn't. So why would I do it to me? Grown up me or child me?

    I am truly blessed to have another chance. And this time... I am healing as I never have. It hurts to heal at first, and yes it does take courage.. But the pain does go away and your are at a new level in your journey. Hopefully more joyful and wiser! This is just what I believe.

    Thanks again Lori! I wish you such happiness!

    **sorry this post is so long! Yikes!**

    Kim (Kimmerz):h

  3. #3
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    People pleasing

    :c Not sad Kim... just very moved. I wish you peace in your soul's healing. Can't type much now, I'm overcome with your awesome post. So glad you're here.:d

    Love,
    Lori

  4. #4
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    People pleasing

    Your posts are both so honest and so incredibly moving...thank you. :d

    I know that I do way too much people pleasing and I'm always worring about what other people think of me... Right now, I am really upset about my appearance and my weight gain (about 40 lbs in the last 4 years) and I've avoided old friends and even my sister because I don't want to feel judged or like a total failure somehow... I have actually achieved quite a lot in the past couple of years (and I could have done much better if I hadn't been drinking several bottles of wine a day!), but none of that seems to matter to me because I know I look so awful right now.... The thing is that I really know that my old friends and family wouldn't be that harsh...they love me no matter WHAT I weigh! But I just can't stand my own imagining that they are thinking: "well, she really let herself go, didn't she!" Of course, that's what I"M thinking, not them!

    Basically, I'm feeling completely inadequate in so many ways--even though I know I am much loved. I am so glad, though, that I am here with others who are struggling with similar problems.

    Best of all, just getting a grip on my drinking (abs for me) is totally empowering!

    I think this is a topic that would speak to many folks here--you might want to re-post it on the General Discussion board so that more people would jump in...

    Thanks again for sharing so honestly--
    :h
    susan

  5. #5
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    People pleasing

    Happy day 9!

    Howdy Friends,

    Wow! there's so much amazing and important stuff going on here in our group. I really like the advice given to CV and Nancy about brushing ourselves off and moving forward. The sentence that "this is not AA" is key and very profound. One of the main reasons that I'm here at MWO with all of you great friends is because the idea of AA meetings and declaring myself a powerless loser with constant negative feedback from my "peers" is utterly repulsive to me.

    What I see in myself and within our group are strong independent people who have made a courageous and yes, sometimes difficult, decision to improve their lives and relationships in dramatic and profound ways.

    I love hearing from Saint Jude when she stops in for visit from modsville. Jude, blessings and love to you for seeking and striving for a healthier life. Keep it up and drop by often!

    CV and Nancy. We are all in this together and I think that has been proven by how we will all rally to lift each other up out of the wine vat. Yes we are human, yes we are all flawed, yes we all slip up. But the beautiful truth is that we now have the freedom to dust ourselves off and proceed forward with even greater determination and the true joy that our freedom brings.

    I've written alot today because posts over the last few days have really moved me and I truly feel a connection with my online friends here. I hope we get to meet someday in person at a MWO event somewhere. That would be a riot!

    Went to a friends 60th birthday party last night and had a wonderful time eating lots of fresh fruit and playing with my kids instead of looking out back for the snake oil bottle.

    Matt


    PS: The L-glutamine powder under the tongue really seems to work well for cravings.

    PPS: Does GABA make anyone else tired and spacy?:

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    People pleasing

    Re: Happy day 9!

    Matt, all thanks so much for everything. Each step forward is better than standing still or moving backwards. The journaling is great because you can see reality and progress or stall, but it helps calibrate what I need to do.

    Matt, about the GABA, just try to take it at night before sleeping or take a smaller dosage...you may not have totally depleted the stores in your brain.

    :d

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    Re: Happy day 9!

    Hey guys,
    Happy Sunday!
    You are all so sweet to help "lift" me out of the wine vat! I almost drowned in there....self pity not wine. I helped add ingredents to the wine mix today and could hardley stand the sent of it....you should see some of the stuff that goes in there....todays ingredient looked like wet concrete! Yuck!

    I agree on the people pleasing stuff.....Never felt like I could please my mom first of all...her cup was always empty..not even half full! Hubby's got a gruff tone of voice that I seem to take personally.:rolleyes I'm also guilty of worrying about what others think.... I have Joyce Meyer's tapes on the subject. Also Beth Moore has some good stuff starting with "Breaking Free'. You can find her at lproof.org and Lifeway Christian Stores. There aren't many oppotunities where I live now for group studies so I watch Joyce Meyers and Beth Moore on tv a couple of times a week. Beth is on Wednesdays on daystar tv network on Life Today with James and Betty Robinson. Watched a black church out of B'ham this morning as I chopped veggies. I'm open minded about how God speaks and try not to limit Him.

    I really had to suck up to admit to all of you that I fell....like you wouldn't understand....duh!
    I've stayed busy since....canning veggie soup from the garden and helping hubby with holes for new arbor and garden stuff.

    Gotta run for now. The canner calls! Yum...veggie-salsa soup!

    Come on down now Yall hear?

    Blessings,
    Nancy day 2 abs!

  8. #8
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    People pleasing

    People Pleasing

    Hi y'all. I'll be right down for some o ya fine grub Nancy! :lol

    The people pleasing thing - for me it all comes down to self esteem. Looking for validation in others is a never-ending quest, because it will always have to be renewed. People you don't even know have the power to effect how you feel about yourself, even how you see yourself. And people that you do know have way too much power when you're looking to them for approval. We're all social creatures so we need a certain amount of validation from others. But when I can rely on myself for the core part of feeling good about me, then I hope I can share the best of me with others without worrying so much about getting their approval. That also means that I can truly appreciate and enjoy others regardless of any hidden agenda my psyche may have going.

    I hope someday SOON, that friends, family, strangers, and the guy at the deli that takes our money all take their proper place in our lives, minds and hearts. Too often we allow others in our lives because we need something from them, or we fear the result of kicking them out of our lives or even repositioning them - we don;t want to displease anyone (God-forbid!) I think people instinctively know that they can then get away with heaping abuse on us, like they know we won;t risk not being liked or approved of, especially if we were once basking in their love.

    This is just a huge issue, somehow it permeates every aspect of my life I can think of right now (except my kitties!) I'll be thinking about this... thanks for bringing it up Lori...

    Deirdre

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    Re: People Pleasing

    Hi Deirdre:

    You appear to be a very insightful person, I'm glad I read this July abs board as you suggested; I agree with alot of what you have to say...I already feel better!

    Thanks,

  10. #10
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    Re: People Pleasing

    That's great B! Also, feel free to join the July event, we're on day 10 today, but lots of us have more, or less abs days. It's wide open if you want to jump in!

    Deirdre

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