week beginning 31 Jan

[Lavande]

Good evening Abbers,

Still 3 hours until 2018 here
Still freezing our a$$es off, oh my!!! 9 degrees F in this neck if the woods!

Mick, wishing you a very happy & healthy 2018!
Thanks for the poem, true that we need to choose happiness each & every morning

TT, thanks for starting the party & happy 2018 to you!

SF, sorry you have the flu, it can be harsh. I wish you a speedy recovery, drink lots of tea.

Sam, still no voice? Goodness fella, have some honey in hot tea
Hope you are better real soon!

PQ, this cold snap we're having is unusual. I heard we are going to have the coldest weather ever recorded in the Philadelphia region for New Year's day. Isn't that just swell.
What wonderful things do you have planned for New Year's day?

My plan is to stay inside as much as possible & not freeze to death, Ha ha!!!
Wishing everyone a peaceful night & a very happy 2018.

Lav

[Samstone]

Lav,
sounds of silence!

[paulywogg]

Mae everybody and Happy New Year! Hope everyone had a peaceful night,,I was in bed by 9,watched New York's ball drop on tv then said screw it and dozed off,poor hubs has to work today and he's grumpy over it haha,Sam,hope you're on the mend,whatever sickness I have is still lingering and it's bugging me,Mick,thanks for the poem I really hope this is a better year,I feel like 2017 just kept beating me up,,one thing would happen,then another,just overall sad,Det,thanks for the texts it means a lot my friend much love to all and wishes for a great AF Monday!

[Pie]

Top of the New Year to yiz all this morning!

Very happy to be alive, well, and in no need of a hangover remedy. Loved your poem, Mick.

[Mick]

happy new year all....hope its a good one ...raining here...let the peskiesout and its a kind of erm no thanks we aint coming out..I hpe this year is a good one for us all..so lets help ourselves and each other.

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

There was a little boy who loved to dress up like a cowboy and pretend that he was one. His mother gave him some money one day to go to the local soda fountain and buy a sundae.

As the little boy ordered the sundae, the waitress asked him, "Do you want one scoop or two"?

The little boy said, "Two, please".

Then the waitress asked, "Do you you want chocolate sauce"?

The little boy replied, "Yes, please".

Then the waitress asked the little boy, "Do you want your nuts crushed"?

The little boy pulled his toy gun out, pointed it at the waitress and said, "Do you want your jugs shot off"?

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.

He began to sniff...

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something"?

"Well, yes I do", he replied.

"What does it smell like"?

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree".

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled".

So that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion"?

"Yes, I did", said Joe.

"Did she like it" His buddy asked?

"Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour"!!

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew looks up him, but still doesn't answer.

The young Jew is puzzled, "Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"

The old Jew turns toward the young man and says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You would fall in love with her and you'd want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a fcking watch"?

A Cork radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?

Caller: Hi my names's Dave

DJ: Dave, what's your word?

Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronunced GO-AN

DJ: You are correct Dave 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense.

Caller: Goan f**k yourself

The DJ cust the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi the name is Jeff

DJ: Jeff, what's your word?

Caller: Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'.

DJ: ... You are correct, Jeff 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that makes sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!

[porqoui]

MAE ALL...Happy New Year!

Mick...thank you for the poem yesterday, it had a lot of meaning for me, and I thank you for your support as well. Not raining here, not snowing here and temps are going to climb by 23 degrees, can hardly wait.

Lav...didn't make it to midnight but did tape the ball drop and fireworks so am watching it now. Not sure what I'll get up to today, perhaps haul some of the garbage out of the house that's been accumulating due to the weather. With that will probably take the tree down as well.

Sam...wan't there a movie by that name? LOL

Pauly...I hear you about 2017 and am looking positively to 2018. Did Winslow end up under your bed last night? Hope you can get rid of the bug soon.

Pi...glad to report I'm in no need of a hangover remedy as well. How long will you have your family of 8?

SF...hope you and your family are feeling better, were you able to eat?

Det...didn't see you check in yesterday. I'm assuming you're not working today but I could be wrong as some people have to.

TT...you must be an old hand at 2018 by now. When do you head out again?

My New Year's resolution is to get my finances in order starting with a new budget. Think I've been burying my head in the sand and as the show I just watched quoted doesn't help as your ass is still in the air. Hoping everyone has a happy and healing new years day....PPQP

[paulywogg]

PQ,yep Winslow woke me up at 11:45 scratching the door last night cuz the neighbors started letting off fireworks! I like your resolution I need to do the same

[Lavande]

Happy New Year Abbers

Quiet day around Lav-land - perfect. But it's still way too cold!!!!
Now we are being threatened with a nor'easter on Thursday with even colder temps following....sh*t
It's so cold my chickens refuse to step out of their house & laid zero eggs today, geez.

Hello to Mick, Pauly, Pie, PQ, Det & everyone popping in tonight.
I hope everyone has a peaceful & cozy night!

Lav

[Mick]

morning all.yep its still 2018 here,and storm dylan or whatever its called has gone..Time to lose some seryous weight fro my hols ...got to lose 10lb ..thatll give me room for eating up when Im out there ..so the Ben n Jerrys is back in the freezer ...no more cheese rolls with tomato sauce at supper time..,....apart from that not a lot to report from la la land.....hope everyone is well...

Q. Where do you go to weigh a whale?
A: A whale weigh statio




I bought a new SatNav it's really good,,,
Yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left .....
Now that's clever !




I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don't know what to make of it.



Q What happened to the guy who assaulted the laughing psychic?
A He was arrested for striking a happy medium.




I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana).

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares"?

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency".

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Jake is 5 and learning to read.

He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

"A f r i c a n Elephant "

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a a plast ic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye" .

[paulywogg]

Mae everybody,Mick that flute joke was hilarious! slept like crud last night yet surprisingly alert and hungry for some reason,Sam,are you better today? I lost my voice once outta the blue for one day a few years ago,the kids were laughing cuz I was trying to yell at a guy who was backing out of a parking spot and nearly hit us,I tried but all that came out was a raspy bark haha,Kell could be having the baby any day now,she's already dilated a little bit and baby seems to have dropped,I really hope its during the day and not in the middle of the night like all my kids were(except Brady) he was kind enough to be born in the afternoon I just really have to be together you guys,I really need to get my mojo back and stay on a roll,,much love to all and wishes for a happy,healthy AF Tuesday