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Thread: w/c 22nd

  1. #11
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    4th July, 2012.
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    Re: w/c 22nd

    yoo hoo Im here its fixed ..for the time being ...man with the van has been and fixed the booster in the booster box ..and the thingummy jig !it is pouring down with rain like mad!and yes a wind blowing with it too..bunnies are fine ,both snuggled up in the hutch.
    Sam how did you get on sellin calves ? thighs and legz to follow?

    hiya Lav how are you then ...grilled burglars?excellent we had the same on Saturday..tho tonight wont be a salad.

    hi ppqp .hope you are well today hows work?and the pseudo boss and the unco-ordinated co-ordinator? ha ha ...have a good day whatever tho x

    hiya det you ok? hope so ..glad the sale went ok ...

    hiya pie hope you are ok too..

    f only I could convert all

    my mouse scrolling into

    a usable form of energy,

    A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I got a problem. My stomach is killing me"!

    "The doctor says, "Well, let's start with your diet. What kind of food do you eat"?

    Man says, "I eat snooker balls." "Snooker Balls?" the Doc asks "What do you mean you eat snooker balls"?

    The man replies, "I eat the red ones for breakfast. I eat the white and black ones for lunch. I eat the blue and yellow ones for dinner".

    The doctor ponders this and nods his head saying, "Mmm-hmm, yes, I see. Well I think I know what your problem is".

    The man says, "Really"?

    "Yep" says the doctor, "Not enough greens"!

    I just got off the phone to Sea World... My call was recorded for training porpoises.

    I think our new pet Rabbit must be vicious... The wife said when she brings it home I'm going to have to make a run for it

    Just had a good tip 4 the grand national... A horse called creosote..! Goes really wel over fences...!!

    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic... It's syncing now.

    When chemists die... They barium.

    Jokes about German sausage... Are the wurst.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid... He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went... Then it dawned on me.

    A girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club but I'd never met herbivore.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns... It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type-A blood but it was a Type-O.

    PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crÍpes.

    Velcro — what a rip off!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

    Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

    Aussie Humour

    There hewas sittin watching the Footy Match Of The Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a bonk babe"?

    He said, "Can you wait until the football is over"?

    She said, "You do realize that you can record it"?

    He said, "Nice one, you get the camcorder and I'll be upstairs as soon as the footy finishes"

    Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders……

    Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

    The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

    The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this wasthe best they could do on such short notice.

    Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

    The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.

    By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

    It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

    Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.

    By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom.

    He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

    As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees.

    As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,


    "Sack my cook".


    And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred...

    A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

    When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place." Obviously, his release was denied.

    Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place". Again, he was turned down.

    Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."

    So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.

    So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.

    He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."

    "Good," they said, and then what?"

    He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."

    They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what"?

    "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."

    "Yes?, they said excitedly.

    "Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.

    The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"

    He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

  2. #12
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    13th May, 2012.
    Posts;
    4,131.

    Re: w/c 22nd

    MAE ALL...

    Lav...it's been awhile since a May 24th snow storm but with the crazy weather we've had who knows. We're supposed to hit 73F tomorrow but wait for it 35F and snow next Monday.

    Sam...good to hear you've plenty of surveying for the summer. Hope it's not in the mountains. Did you get your calves sold?

    Pauly...good luck with your tomato plants. Make sure you plant them up to the first leaves, they really like to feel secured.

    Det...glad to hear round 2 was also good. Hope the fix for the truck wasn't too painful. You'll still be checking in with us before you head out on Thursday, right?

    Mick...gotta love that man with a van. Geese day 2 of rain and wind. Glad the bunnies are safe and sound. Is this typical for your spring. Boss is staying out of my way and uncoord absence has been bliss. Was informed this morning that the new Building Superintendent quit, his last day is next Tuesday. Told the boss I'd be taking my 5 weeks holidays starting the following Wednesday. LOL

    I'll be joining the group and BBQ'ing burgers tonight. Got to get them in when you can! Off to read Mick's jokes. Shout out to anyone else stopping in tonight....PPQP
    Last edited by porqoui; April 23rd, 2018 at 06:48 PM.

  3. #13
    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    13th February, 2009.
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    Re: w/c 22nd

    Greetings Abbers,

    Yes we sure did have another nice day, yay! Got my hummingbird garden planted & some things sorted out in the chicken house for the little ones so they're happy too.
    I have been called to pick up grandsons the next day or two & bring them here after school. Guess I'll have to hit the supermarket & stock up first.

    Sam, you sound pretty busy, hope the survey work continues to go well.
    I have 12 youngsters out in the chicken house, they're about 9 weeks old now. They will join the 6 adults soon. We just enlarged the fenced yard for the chickens so the nasty fix doesn't steal any more this year, ugh.

    Mick, living out in the country sometimes has it's drawbacks like limited power, cable, etc. Today all of the farmers decided to get the fertilizer out on the fields so it' spretty stinky here, ha ha! Glad you got your internet back.

    Pauly, keep your tomatoes well hydrated in that desert heat

    Det, I'm really glad your sale went so well. You sound like a guy with a plan & that's awesome. Be careful out on the road!

    PQ, we're only getting some rain moving in for the next day or two. Sorry about your snow forecast, maybe it will go somewhere else.

    Have a nice night everyone!

    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

  4. #14
    Registered User. Determinator's Avatar

    Join Date;
    10th October, 2006.
    Posts;
    9,251.

    Re: w/c 22nd

    Oy ABers!

    dead tired and so sore.... owie. started the day yawning and going downhill from there in terms of energy. early night for me.

    yep, I'll be in touch til blastoff this Thur. then back Sat to pick up the trailer, then back to Vegas yet again. egad!

    me thinks it's nap time.

    be well loves
    nosce te ipsum
    (Know Thyself)

  5. #15
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

    Join Date;
    4th July, 2012.
    Posts;
    5,978.

    Re: w/c 22nd

    morning all how are we today then/ hope all is well with you ...back to the semi sunshine today,its supposed to rain but we will see what happens...so lets have a brew first then ...

    hiya det ...how are you today?so are you sorted for going to vegas? does pauly know that you are parking the trailer up in her yard.?hope you get your energy back!

    hiya lav ....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm there you are my contribution to your hummingbird garden.so you have got the grandsons to eat you out of house and home..so what are they into now toy wise?
    and yes the countryside or rural poses its own probs ...would I live in citysville again ? nope not a chance

    hiya ppqp ...hows you then today? sounds like your temps are pretty good...no this isnt typical for us ...last saturday was the hottest on record for 70 years..your work sounds like it was yonks ago ..you wearing lots of hats!..dont forget me time.

    hiya pauly hows you then?hope all is well with you ..hows the tommy plants doing ? as ppqp says plant them up to just below the first leaves,...make sure tho,when you water them ..dont get the leaves wet.

    hiya sam ,pie ,tt and everyone ,hope all is well in your lives..

    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

    Little Johnny raises his hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered'.

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked little Johnny to describe the incident.

    'Well', he began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard'!

    'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

    'It sure was,' said little Johnny. 'My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate him'!


    You Know You're from Canada when .............


    * You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

    * You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

    * Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

    * You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

    * Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

    * You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

    * The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

    * You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

    * You find -40C a little chilly.

    * The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

    * You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.

    * You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

    Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.

    Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..

    Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A diarrhoea run.

    She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

    The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the 'thing'.

    Finally, he takes out his pen and touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right" she asks?

    He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart"!

    What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
    -
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

  6. #16
    Registered User. Samstone's Avatar

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    10th January, 2013.
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    Re: w/c 22nd

    morning all,
    a nice rainy spring day in order. Mick, the fart joke qualifies for a copy and paste to my sister.
    PQ, some mountain surveys, sold calves yesterday!
    Det, moving to Vegas, eh? moving is always a good time to purge that which you don't really need.
    Pi, the best thing about bringing my fiddle to a restaurant is we're certain to get a table even if the place is full.
    Lav, Ridded myself of all roosters the other day. hens will finally get to have feathers again. We have quite the fox population here as well.
    Pauly, ready for summer? tomatoes are the best!

    off and running
    Liberated 5/11/2013

  7. #17
    Registered User. paulywogg's Avatar

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    30th June, 2012.
    Location;
    Las Vegas.
    Posts;
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    Re: w/c 22nd

    Mae everybody,Mick I agree with Sam,,love the fart joke Sam,yep its already in the 90's here and you know I love it,Det,why'd you decide on Vegas? I'm sure it'll all work out though,I don't envy you making those hauls tho,that is a long ass boring trip! I've made the mistake of holding baby Romeo too much,now all he wants is to be held by Nan the whole time I watch him and I can't bear to just put him in his seat or swing and let him cry I'm such a wimp,did the same with Brady when he was a tot,as a matter of fact his first word was "up" cuz I put him down to do the dishes and he was pulling at my leg and out it flew haha,tomatoes should do fine,they were thriving a few years ago,last year I skipped cuz all that Jon stuff happened and I just didn't care to plant anything,much love to all and wishes for a terrific,turp free,Tuesday (dunno what a turp is but Mr.G says it haha)
    Last edited by paulywogg; April 24th, 2018 at 07:33 AM.
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"

    Off the table no MATTER what.

  8. #18
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 22nd

    MAE ALL...

    Lav...sounds like you'll have some visitors for a couple of days. Fun. If we get snow it won't amount to much I'm sure or should I say knock wood. Gotta say I don't miss the field fertilizer smells. LOL

    Det...hope you got a good rest last night, sounds like you needed it. Do not envy the trips back and forth to Vegas, just take it slow and easy.

    Mick...so did the rain materialize today? We had a bright sunny day but it's started to cloud over now and rain in the morning. Of course, it's because I have to go for my arthritis checkup. My work is doing just fine, it's everyone else's that is f*d up. Talked with the Childcare Director this afternoon and we've come up with a plan to get things rolling. Basically we're going to ignore the GM. LOL Guess I can consider myself a true Canadian after that list and I concur the fart joke is priceless.

    Sam...glad the calves are sold it eases the work load. Hope there's not too much bawling going on.

    Pauly...I think that's funny that Brady's first word was "up". Looked up "turp" and I'm sure it's not what MrG. means. If you find out let us know.

    Neighbours started in around midnight last night and it went on till 4am. Here's hoping tonight is not a repeat! Wishing everyone a peaceful night....PPQP

  9. #19
    Registered User. paulywogg's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 22nd

    PQ,I've read his thread and it says"staying off the turps"so im sure its al haha,kids just went home,,,my arms are rubber I don't envy Det at all,from here to Reno is about an 8 hour drive? Probably more for him if he's gonna be hailing stuff,,off to ice my arms haha nite all
    Last edited by paulywogg; April 24th, 2018 at 08:20 PM.
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"

    Off the table no MATTER what.

  10. #20
    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 22nd

    Greetings Abbers,

    Started with sun but it's raining now. At least it isn't snow - right PQ?
    My grandsons went home but it was a crazy busy 4 hours!!! Picked them up, fed them, supervised homework & we even planted flower seeds in cups for them to take home.
    I am not needed to watch them tomorrow after all so I guess I can rest, haha!!

    Mick, hope your power has been restored since your message this morning. Yep, probably due to some squirrels chewing something of importance
    The grandsons seem to have grown past the toy stage now, most of their spare time is spent on electronic devices. But they do still enjoy spending time out with the chickens & generally making a lot of noise outside, Lol

    Det, hope you are getting some rest after your busy weekend!

    Sam, glad to hear you are finally rooster free. I really hate those buzzards & hate the way they beat up the hens.

    Pauly, I used to set the kids up with their toys in the corner of the kitchen so they could see me while I was busy cooking. Holding a heavy kid on one hip while cooking tends to throw your skeleton out of alignment, ouch!

    PQ, having so many Amish farmers around here means we get the extra fresh, heavy duty fertilizer smells - if you know what I mean. God bless them, they are the original organic farmers & grow beautiful produce, ha ha!!
    I hope your noisy neighbors give you a break tonight geez.

    Wishing a nice night for everyone!
    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

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