w/c 29th

[Samstone]

morning all,
looking like a nice day out there and appears it is going to get hot this week. personally, I'm a 60's kinda guy.

got a coat of linseed oil on boards to replace our bridge, monster oak boards, existing boards are in dire need of replacing!

Last board meeting at the Soil place today for me. State taxes today. Same with every state??

off, poorer, not sure if wiser...

[paulywogg]

Mae everybody,Sam looks like we're the early birds this morning woke up at 4 am sharp alert and ready now I feel tired zzz,lot o' coffee kind of day I think,hopefully Det is getting settled with the move,PQ,you've been kinda quiet,probably busy hope all is well,supposed to rain today we shall see,,much love to all and wishes for a great booze free Tuesday

[Pie]

Good morning to early birds and late birds. I'm meeting up with my boss today to evaluate needed repairs on a couple of properties. The lost pup has simply vanished. Coyotes, probably.

Sam, no state income taxes in Texas.

[paulywogg]

Aww,poor pup that's sad Pie

[Mick]

afternoon all ..internet problems ,some junk about migrating the data plan...for me it means I couldnt get on here!!job sorted now.so how are e all ? its supposed to rain today ....up to press its great,but I can see dark clouds in the background ..just put the rabbits away last night,and one helluva row outside...I saw the horses chasing a fox ..not biased but nice one horses!
pie sorry about the wee dog..yes its nature I guess but not nice with a domesticated puppy.how did you get on with the condo chat?

hiya pauly hows you then ? still got the zeds? did you get the rain?whatever have a nice day.

hi Sam gotta pay yer uncles taxes!! re 60s guy me too...woodstock and all that !! last day on the land? have you got to replace those timbers too?

hello everyone thats not here yet

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.

She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read:
"Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs, and you play the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed and to their amazement, she began playing the fiddle with great natural skill.

She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads:
"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health. So she went back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.

While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until she lets rip a humongous batch of anal air. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.

She goes back and puts another quarter in the machine. Out comes a card that reads:
"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw around with for months, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to go at it like rutting pigs.

The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine,
put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read:
"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs. You've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the fcking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

One day Little Johnny's Mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet".

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this"?

Little Johnny's Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him".

Van Gogh's Family Tree


A sister who loved disco Go Gogh
His twin with low back pain Lum Bay Gogh
A brother who worked at a convenience store Stop 'n Gogh
The cousin from Illinois Chica Gogh
His Mexican cousin Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother Gring Gogh
The fruit loving cousin Man Gogh
His dizzy aunt Verti Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt Tang Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking Way-to Gogh
His magician uncle Where-diddy Gogh
The constipated uncle Cant Gogh
The bird lover uncle Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst E Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach Wells-far Gogh
The little bouncy niece Poe Gogh
His niece who travels in a van Winnie Bay Gogh
His granddmother who ate prunes Gotta Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia U Gogh

[porqoui]

MAE ALL...

Checking in before you send the search party out! I didn't have a very good outcome with the financial adviser so now I'm looking at bankruptcy. Just really bummed out about it.
I'll check back in the morning....PPQP

[paulywogg]

PQ

[Lavande]

Good evening folks,

Aww PQ, I am so sorry.
Please don't be hard on yourself, unfortunately this sh*t does happen. Know that we are here & love you

Sam, 60 degrees is perfectly for this girl too. We hit 80 today & it really melted me. Having no spring weather seriously sucks.
Because we're both dealing with pensions we pay estimated state & federal taxes ALL YEAR LONG. Isn't that just swell?

Hi Pauly, hope your day was good.

Mick, I hope your ISP upgraded the whole darn thing so you have no more problems for a long time

I did get outside this morning & planted a bunch of flower seeds before it got too hot. I plan to do all the watering in the mornings before the heat puts me in a bad mood. The afternoons will be spent in my shop working on my reading pillow inventory. That's my plan for the next few months

Pie, so sorry to hear about the missing pup. I kind of know how that feels having three of my chickens dragged off by the fox population last fall.

Wishing everyone a nice night!

Lav

[Mick]

morning all...and welcome to a really wet and rainy day ..well it is here ..pauly you are alwaysasking for rain there is a shedful here for you.Internet connection now fixed ,I hope ,laptop working ok ,tablets and phones too.so we shall see ....tried to sell me a new phone but that one fell at the first fence..Ive got a samsung galaxy note 3..its the best phone Ive ever had ,so it aing getting traded ...especially when you see that a trade in price is £30..ok enuff woffle brew time....

hiya pauly you ok then?how are the tomatoes doing?you still growing them?

hiya ppqp..wow ,sorry to hear that the plan didnt work out ,are you just looking at bankruptcy or is it a def........whatever happens we are here not a lot I know but its always someone to vent at /to

hiya Lav ...hows you ..yep I worked all my life like you and the sods take a chunk of my penshun now..what plants have you put in veggies or flowers?brew n02 want one?

hiya pie and sam how are you both then? hopefully doing ok..

well our little band is just that...still never mind ..have a good one all

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. WHOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 peices! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two...." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHH. A gust of wind filss the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"

It's the Gold Medal round of the Olympics, and a Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off. Before the match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch the ending.

Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised
his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded, and ran to his wrestler, who was jumping around the mat, with people swarming him from all angles.

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
“So,” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?”

“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
'"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel
answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and
stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I
know where to find my hearing aid."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the
casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once
again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the
door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a
park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me
every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh
fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me
homemade soup for lunch, and my favourite brownies, and then makes love
to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he
makes me a gourmet meal with wine, and my favourite dessert and then
makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would
you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hi ya mate, how are you going"?

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks".

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to"?

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick poo.., how about yourself"?

The next thing I heard him say was ...

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d*ckhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say".

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed
them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole
year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows
would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up... and I have not heard back.

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a bathroom section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.. so if! the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways...

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12.! If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the ! driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look fo! r them while they deliver the mail?

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

[Samstone]

morning
morning tea done, now to the hard stuff, coffee. had a frost 2 mornings ago, today almost 90º whats up with that? like the stock market.

PQ, thinking of you and hoping all will get better.

Mick, same way here, don't need the latest and greatest in a phone. Hell, I can't figure out what my old phone can much less a new phone. In a generational thing, my kids will be the last generation to know what it was like not to have a phone 24/7.

Pi, sorry to hear about your pup, we now have coyotes as well running around here. They are something new for the last 15 years or so.

Lav, how are all the little chickadees?? Hope we're not getting any more this year. My wife loves getting them but we've got about 30 of them, enough!!!!

Det, your move complete?

off to mines