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Thread: w/c 20th

  1. #11
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 20th

    morning all how are we today then? all good hopefully ..big day here in the area..22 months since the Manchester bombing.quite a lot of thinhgs happening .Im just waiting for the gas man to turn up ..the boiler is on the blink ..hopefully its a fix job not a renewal.just watching the calves in the field ,they are mad..just like kids on sweets.lets have a brew shall we ..

    hiya Lav ,hows you ? back is still sore but it is a lot better than it was ..It actually rained yesterday..while the temp was 26 degrees..yep we used to have deliveries too ..same thing supermarkets etc spoiled it all..

    hiya ppqp ...hows you then? yes it was wet last time we were in wales ..same place ..hopefully this time get some walking done ...thats why the back needs sorting ..so you got the garden done?

    and hows the glam gran pauly? hope you are well? did the kids behave for you?

    hiya pie ,hiya Sam you both ok?

    The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

    The third one was a grizzled old Chief Warrant Officer, who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my pecker to my testicles."

    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

    The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's pecker and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

    The old Chief calmly replied , "Vietnam."

    Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

    "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

    So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

    The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

    The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

    "Me, is right here," replies the old man.

    "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

    "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen."

    Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

    "I say, Sem Ting."

    Children's Science Exam Answers.
    These are real answers from school kids!

    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: What is artificial insemination?
    A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
    A: The body is consisted into three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

    Q: What is the fibula?
    A: A small lie.

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    A: Nearby.

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    A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."

    Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."

    The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

    And she says, "So have I, love."

    To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

  2. #12
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 20th

    MAE ALL...

    Lav...I'm with you, never been to a chiropractor and never plan to. Did end up having my relaxing day, putzed around a bit and sorted out a stack of clothes given to me by one of my snowbird friends. We used to have milk and bread delivered too. With a household of 10 it was always quite the sight to see. LOL

    Mick...I hope the boiler is a fix job as well. I used to enjoy watching our calves too. You described them perfectly. LOL Yup, got the garden done and with the temps hovering around 27-28 all week will need to start my work day off by watering.

    Shout out to the rest of the gang. Have a good one.....PPQP

  3. #13
    Registered User. paulywogg's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 20th

    Mae everybody,yep Mick kids were good,they usually are unless overly tired of sick,glad the backs better I use the chiropractor when I get chronic neck pain which hasn't happened in awhile,hubs goes more cuz he has joint issue and his sciatic nerve gets weird sometimes and being cracked helps,gloomy ugly day yesterday,,today looks better thank goodness,much love to all and wishes for a great BF Tuesday
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"

    Off the table no MATTER what.

  4. #14
    Registered User. Samstone's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 20th

    morning all

    dang, late night, played some tunes last night with a good dobro player, what a great sound. Now I got to get the lead out and start the day. hope everyone has a marvy day.
    Liberated 5/11/2013

  5. #15
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 20th

    MAE ALL...

    As it turns out my MIL passed away yesterday at 3pm. The a**hole of an ex didn't even phone his children to tell them. He didn't phone his brother's children either. Apparently her caregiver showed up this morning as usual and my ex said she died yesterday and slammed the door. The caregiver phoned the health care nurse who then phoned the medical examiners office and demanded an autopsy. The ex was trying to get her cremated before we found out she had passed. He's mad at us. Aw! There's something very wrong with that! She is now at the medical examiners office and at least we'll find out how she died. Should be released by the end of the week and we'll have a funeral early next week. The ex is just wild as he's trying to figure out how he can get control of everything so he's driving my son crazy with phone calls. I am so grateful that the will was rewritten and that the two grandchildren are executors and trustees. Needless to say it's been an exhausting day....PPQP

  6. #16
    Registered User. paulywogg's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 20th

    I'm sorry PQ
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"

    Off the table no MATTER what.

  7. #17
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 20th

    Quote Originally Posted by paulywogg View Post
    I'm sorry PQ
    Thanks Pauly, it really is a blessing.

  8. #18
    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 20th

    Good evening Abbers,

    Oh PQ, sorry you have to deal with all that
    Sounds like everything is under control though, poor woman, poor you. I hope it all gets sorted out quickly.

    Mick, glad you feel somewhat better. Take it easy so your back can heal, OK?
    Replacing heating systems can be expensive, did that a few years ago but what can you do?

    Hi Pauly & the overly tired Sam

    About the chiropractor thing - our nursing instructors made us raise our hands & vow to never, ever let one lay a finger on us or anyone we care about. That was back in 1971. I know there are some better ones in practice these days but I still object to them. They treat symptoms without addressing the causes. Actually, the best thing to do for chronic pain is see a physical therapist. The do their own assessments & draw up a plan of care to work muscle & joint issues & give you exercises to do at home. Better bang for your buck

    Anyway, wishing everyone a nice night!

    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

  9. #19
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 20th

    Thanks Lav...things are getting sorted, and the grandchildren dealing with all this have good heads on their shoulders.
    Last edited by porqoui; May 22nd, 2018 at 09:47 PM.

  10. #20
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    Re: w/c 20th

    morning all....how are we today then? hope all is good with you ...well this morning it wasnt too good ..in fact pretty windy ,even the hosses in the field were sheltering ...

    Attachment 4227

    Attachment 4228

    absolutely brilliant ..we have got a pair of nesting merlins way in the woods at the back...we were sitting outside last night having a brew....and one of the merlins landed on the bird frame ...;I managed to shout the neighbour and he saw it ..It then took off back to the woods ..look merlin up its a bird of prey ..its quite rare..So far on that frame we have had quite a selection of boids ...

    ok brew time..

    ppqp ..Im sorry to hear about your mil ...what a selfish git he is ..as well as being a bit of a nut!!keep it together ..you are better than that ..

    hiya Lav, hows you then? hope all is well...yes yesterday I had 2 engineers here ..first one turns up ....not my job ..I do servicing not repairs ...2nd engineer turns up ...repairs it ....saved 2150 yep about 3100 bux
    as far as the chiro goes ..I understand ...the one I have got ,is completely different ...and he actually doesnt believe in the old ways ...his methods are based on how someone presents ,his methods are quite different..He is a brit ,but practiced in Chicago for the last 20 years..It is sore ,but its sore in a good way ..hard to explain,but the pain is different and nowhere near as bad.

    hiya Pauly how are you today? hope all is well with you........

    hey Sam ,hows you mate ...all good after a sesh on the toonz?weather is good here today.

    big hello to everyone else ..have a good one...

    How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Just Juan

    I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once...

    None of them understood my jokes but they still peed themselves.

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    I'm not surprised, that would be a lot of cars to just for


    My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water....I think he meant well.





    Did anyone else think that Mel Gibson's remake of the 'Life of Brian' wasn't nearly as funny as the original?






    I got a phone call from British Gas to say my bill was outstanding.

    I said, "Thanks!"







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    Pet Shop Boy Neil Tennant entered the Young Musician of the Year. The youngster was said to be furious.



    When I left home, my mum said, "Don't forget to write."

    I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"








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    It was a trip down memory lane.


    How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

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