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    Thread: W/c 19th august

    1. #1
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      W/c 19th august

      Morning all,firstly SK..so sorry to hear about Peggy ,I know she meant a heck of a lot to you,I know you must be feeling pretty lowat the moment ,with all that is going on ,but stay on here with us ..I pmd you too...

      Also Lav,I know youve lost quite a bit to thefox and snakes ...you aint a giver up kinda person...so dont you dare! you will win ....there is something out there its just finding it thats the issue..the trouble is with having other animals poison isnt the best method!

      heres one for you ...Yesterday I put an old crate in thepart of the rabbit hutch that those 2 dont go into ..We came home from the flower show which was ace ...note Pauly..ace not axe!any way we came home to find both rabbits in that side !let them out to run in the garden,Jeeves was runnig and I mean running about picking up grass and straw etc and taking them back in there ,not once but for ages..I looked it up ...and he is building a nest .Yes he is male ,yes he has been neutered ..phoned my friend up and she couldnt stop laughing ...A gay rabbit ??????So now I ve got one with a poorly leg and another that thinks its female ...here you go ..the start of the nest!!

      20180818_180924.jpg

      what a nutso family..

      Hi Det wise words from Lav,be you ..do what you want to do mate ,for one reason or another you have had many decent hands in lifes card game ..its your turn now to call the trump...(cards that is not the nugget in washington!)

      hiya pauly how are you then? hope you are ok ,is it a quiet weekend for you?

      here are some pics of the flower show ,

      20180818_123322.jpg

      20180818_123127.jpg

      20180818_131704.jpg
      af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


      CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

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      Re: W/c 19th august

      continuation ....

      20180818_123406.jpg

      look Lav!!!!!!!!

      20180818_125136.jpg

      also bird of prey show too

      20180818_112516 (1).jpg

      I dont think this sign was thought through!!!

      38600593_1053815138113951_5980814505972596736_n.jpg

      A woman telephoned St Mary’s Hospital and asked to speak to Ward E2 as she was enquiring as to the progress of one of the patient’s in that ward. She explained that she wanted to know if the patient was getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.

      A staff nurse answered the phone, "Hallo, Ward E2. What is the name of the patient and his room number?"
      "He is in bed 1, room 10, "came the reply, "And his name is Albert Brown."

      "Could you hold the line for a moment, "the nurse asked, "While I check his records. Ah, yes, Mr Brown is doing well: blood pressure OK, blood test results appear normal, he’s going to be taken off the heart monitor and if he continues to improve then Doctor Svoboda is going to send him home tomorrow at midday."

      "Oh, that’s super, amazing, I’m so pleased to hear the news; it really is fantastic, thank you so much."

      "You sound so glad,"replied the nurse, "You are so and enthusiastic you must be a close friend or a relative of Mr Brown."

      The man answered, "Not exactly, I’m Albert Brown in Ward E2, room 10, bed 1. Nobody in here ever tells me anything."

      While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

      'What on earth happened to this patient?' he asked in astonishment.

      'He fell out of a tree,' according to the report.

      The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

      'I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark's Expert Tree Pruning Service.'

      Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, 'Cross out 'expert.'

      Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

      His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

      Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

      She said, "Are you nuts? You're 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes again.?

      I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club; not a Parachute Club!"

      I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

      Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.


      Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket; she told the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

      Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

      Refund from Taco Bell

      That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

      He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

      I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

      I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

      I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

      I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

      Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

      "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

      "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

      I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

      That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

      Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

      Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

      Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

      I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

      All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

      Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

      I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

      She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

      All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

      As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

      The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

      Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

      Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
      af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


      CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

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      Re: W/c 19th august

      Mae everybody,Mick,that's really cute about the bunny,,we often joke Winslow is gay cuz he just acts like it haha Kell is desperate for a different job poor thing,she's even wanting to go back to her old Great Clips job just waiting for the lady to call her back,have the boys later so just taking it easy til then,SK I truly am sorry about Peggy,just sad much love to all and wishes for a super,sober Sunday!
      I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

      I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"

      Off the table no MATTER what.

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      Re: W/c 19th august

      Good evening friends,

      Just rain & more rain around these parts, ho hum.
      Thankful for no wildlife sightings today.

      SK, I know how hard it is to let your dog go but it really is the right thing to do
      You will miss Peggy for a long while I imagine. I walk by my fridge & stop at Maxie's picture hanging there & just say 'hello' She's been gone a year but I still miss her.
      I am grateful that your daughter stepped up to give you hand, that's not something you should have to face yourself.
      Please take care of you & remember we are all thinking of you.

      Mick, Jeeves just didn't like your decorating, ha ha! He felt the need to make the place his own
      The flower show pics are really nice & I would love to have that water garden. I would probably end up with wild dolphins in my yard, ha ha!

      Pauly, maybe Kell should go take a temp job somewhere instead of dealing with all that daily stress.
      Have fun with the boys today.

      Hello to Det, PQ, Pie (wherever you are) & anyone lurking.
      Have a nice night y'all.

      Lav
      AF since 03/26/09
      NF since 05/19/09
      Success comes one day at a time

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      Re: W/c 19th august

      hello.

      mick thank you for the lovely pm. i will cherish it.
      thanks to lav and pauly also.i plan to get a kitten, so Vivian and i took a taxi to petsmart. we chose a black one and a white siamese. I filled out the app and they wanted a copy of my lease for proof of pets allowed. viv was so disappointed close to tears, but i told her i would them tomorrow. i hope i can. she also told me her mother told her it wasn't a matter of when but which nursing home i would going to. viv told me she totally safe with me and said. so you fell, my mom fell to and broke her wrist too, i didn't know that and my physio is really helping my balance. when we were talking yesterday dd told me that their bathroom was being renovated but hated the tile b/c she forgot to tell the contractor to put it in sideways and he put it in vertical, hello that was a 3000 dollar mistake.

      she also told me her mother gave her a book on puberty that she found gross and said i'm only 9 yrs old!

      anyway.... i dreamed last night that i woke up and peggy was on the bed. i have acceptance and know i ended her suffering. have a good night.
      Last edited by SKendall; August 19th, 2018 at 06:45 PM.
      Enlightened by MWO

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      Re: W/c 19th august

      Top o the evening ABerooos across the fruity plain,

      SK, extra hugs for you dear one xxxxxxxx. I'm glad you have accepted the best choice under the circumstances.

      Mick, looks like it was a super fun show, thanks for the pix.

      we went up to Mt Charlston yesterday and at over 8K feet the cool weather was a blessing. so were the amazing views, trees, picnic and
      playing frisbee and taking pics with family... just the best.

      photography scene is a bit...um... colorful here it seems. Prospective deal this morning turned out to be a woman in the porn industry looking for
      some work that I just couldn't quite bring myself to agree to. so the search continues. I may just get a part time outside sales job I can do from home
      to take some of the financial stress off while I get the rest of my crap together here.

      Pauly, my 'do' is something called a 'faux hawk' is that really a thing or am I the butt of some joke? The girls at rehab ensured me that my grey hair is
      cool so I won't dye it after all. Will check out the eggs in NW. I don't mind paying for such a better food product. speaking of food I made a huge pot of
      red beans and rice today which didn't match the weather too well but it's sure yummy.

      Pix lately have been of family, and while they are lovely I don't think posting them publicly is a great idea. Promise I'll get out and snap some landscapes etc
      very soon. Have some new photo gear slated for delivery tomorrow and I need to get used to it asap so I can incorporate that into my routine.

      Lav, at rehab when we were out on the deck a copperhead struck at the foot of one of my fellow students and bit the flipflops he was wearing. Not sure if I mentioned
      that. Pretty scary stuff.

      Ah yes, a lovely garlic-scented girl would be the one for me LOL. That would make for a mighty strange romantic poem I think...

      Went to an open-house at a new shop in town that sells microgreens and the supplies to make them. My uncle and I set up our first tray today so we should have broccoli and radish microgreens next weekend. They are super nutrient-packed and yummy. I tried cantaloupe microgreens today for the first time and damn if they don't taste just like the melon... fascinating and exotic food treat for sure. We'll start a tray of those as well as amaranth in a day or two.

      well, time to try and zzzzzzz more than 5 hours tonight if I can. darn insomnia.

      be well loves
      nosce te ipsum
      (Know Thyself)

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      Re: W/c 19th august

      morning all,how are we today then good I hope..well Jeeves has calmed down on his renovations ,but now madam...sometimes she can hardly walk and I think the worst is there ...and this morning ..look...

      yep she has jumped up on the ledge and happily sitting on it ..

      20180820_094258.jpg

      20180820_094348.jpg

      oh well welcome to the nutsos...
      no rain today in fact its a pretty good day ...just tried one of the apples on my miniature trees they are gawjus..any way lets have a brew ..

      hiya Det hows you then ? all good I hope ...here you go mate a starter to work on!! have a great day ..Iused to grow micros too ..pretty enjoyable and nutritious .

      the waft of garlic fills the air ,
      Garlicky breath yum yum to share,
      Now some folks say ,those cloves they stink ,
      But the smell of garlic ...romance I think

      Hiya SK ...firstly ..I dont agree with the when not if you go into a nursing home,when you are unable to look after yourself ,physically or mentally then there would be a case to look at imo,but yes you be positive !!hope you get the kitten today..yes it is hard to let our pets go ,I know as others have ,put my rabbits to sleep ,Sandy broke my heart ,to the extent when the vet said it was time for her to go ,I would quite happily discussed the issue with force .She was in pain ,I was being selfish ,so I let her go ..I still shed tears over them all Sam ,Jake Zeuss Sandy..but remember the good ..as Im sure Lav does and any other pet owner that has lost one ,but she is at peace pain free .anyways ..you look after YOURself .x

      hiya Pauly ,how are you today then/ hope all is well with you..did Kell hear anything about the job?hope she does ,did you have a decent weekend?

      ssshhhh re wildlife sightings...we have got field mice burrowing in the garden ok not snakes but a pain in the butt anyway...The trouble with going to flower and garden shows ,as you well know is you come home with ahead full of ideas..I think my work this year is to make the raised beds in the greenhouse, and a bit of fencework ,etc ,do the borders ,kitchen worktop and doors....next year trim the raised beds back,get rid of the stones and turf the rest of the garden.New water feature ,keep the tree trunk base in and the stone at the back.ho hum ..Mr busy ..

      right folks ,hope you have a nice day ..take care and a big hiya to everyone else ...

      A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

      For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

      "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

      The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

      After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

      "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."

      The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

      After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

      "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."

      The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

      After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

      The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

      "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

      "Aye," said the lad.

      The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

      Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

      A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it" When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

      Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

      "Is that when you swore?"

      "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

      "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

      "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running,an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

      "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun ?

      "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

      "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

      "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.

      The two nuns were silent for a moment...................







      Then Mother Superior sighed and said,




      "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?

      Some of the Finest Double Entendres on British Tv & Radio
      Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

      Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

      Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

      Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

      'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

      Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

      Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

      James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

      Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

      The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

      Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

      Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

      A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

      US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

      Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

      Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

      Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

      Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

      For all the Cricket lovers out there we must remember Brian Johnston on Test Match Special commentating on England v West Indies (many years ago)

      "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey"
      af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


      CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

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      Re: W/c 19th august

      Mae everybody,Mick that's a cute pic Det,can't imagine you with a faux hawk! Oh well new do for the new you felt super sick yesterday around noon,just dizzy,congested,etc think it's the air outside being evil,SK thinking of you,I know how hard it gets,hey maybe you should look into the shelter for a kitty instead? There's so many unloved pets out there,maybe check into it,much love to all and wishes for a fabulous BF Monday
      I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

      I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"

      Off the table no MATTER what.

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      Re: W/c 19th august

      Greetings Abbers,

      We finally have a rain free day here - geez! Even the sun showed up around 3 pm ha ha!

      SK, we have a rescue cat here, my son & daughter both have rescue cats too. They are happy to have homes & you don't have to go thru all that baby stuff.
      If your daughter wants to talk like that, just let her. She has no business planning your future. I think Viv, even at the age of 9 realizes that.
      Speaking of age 9, preparing girls for puberty is a touchy but vital subject. Girls are reaching puberty earlier & earlier, they need to be prepped. I'm happy to hear that your balance is improving, that's such a big deal

      Det, I was going to say let Mick come up with a poem & he did, ha ha!!!
      I am glad you are getting out & about & enjoying life the way we should.
      Photography & porn industry in one sentence = a big no no. You take your time & choose the better jobs, right? You are quite a talented guy & I'm sure you will find your way.
      Speaking of gray hair - my 9 year old grandson has been walking around for the past month with silver hair. He asked his mother to color his light brown hair silver & she did, LOL
      It looked totally ridiculous at first but I have grown to like it, go figure.

      Mick, when I saw your pic the first thing that came to mind was 'How much is that bunny in the window?', ha ha! She looks happy & calm just sitting there looking out
      No wildlife sightings here today, so far. Of course having my son's Golden here again this week helps I think.


      Pauly, I don't know about you but we are having allergy issues here made even worse with this chronic dampness I think. I can't wait for some cleaner, crisper fall air!

      We no sooner decided to go out for a bite to eat this evening when YB was called into service driving one of the Amish families. They have a young baby in a children's hospital in Delaware & have been there all day while the baby had surgery to correct a heart defect. Now they need a ride home & it's 35 miles each way during rush hour. We'll be lucky to eat before darkness settles in for the night, lol.
      Have a nice night everyone!

      Lav
      AF since 03/26/09
      NF since 05/19/09
      Success comes one day at a time

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      Re: W/c 19th august

      hiya folks ...nipping innfor the mo...got to go and get phone fixed ...dropped it ..it is smashed ..jeez dunno how much this will cost ...will nip in after ...be good!!!!! wow thats me back ..no one in yet ? thats my phone fixed in your money 90 bux...grrr.. really hot over here ,but its also very muggy too...methinks another storm on the way..

      hiya Lav,how are you then?wow the good neighbour ..good for you helping the neighbour out ,yes she does look like the doggy in the window! Isnt it strange all the kids want grey hair,and yet as yoomans get older they want to hide it ..anyway heres a brew for you the noo..

      hiya pauly ,how are you feeling today then?any better I hope ..any news on the job front for anyof you?

      Hiya Det hows you doing then? hope all is well with you.You sound real positive mate ..great to hear .

      hiya sk how are you then ? feeling any better?did you get a poody cat? hows the hand doing?

      hiya anyone else ..lets have a good one..

      Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone? Do strangers
      call to pay my bills? And, if they do, why don't you let them?




      The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can
      be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.




      My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
      I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.




      My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the
      195 lbs. I've gained.




      I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks,
      "Who does something like that?"




      I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just
      give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?




      Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be
      his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire
      during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.




      The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is
      inversely proportional to the severity of the storm that's coming.




      Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If
      you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!




      If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not
      all this, "how did you get in my house" business!




      The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going
      to get me something.




      On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas
      a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is
      upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.




      I can't understand why women are okay with JC Penny's older women's line of
      clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."




      I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of
      tattoos.

      The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just
      outside the Air Force Base. A ragged old Marine Aviator, was standing near
      the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.


      A curious young Air Force fighter pilot stopped and asked what he was doing.


      'Fishing,' the old guy simply said.


      'Poor old fool,' the Air Force officer thought and he invited the ragged old
      Marine Aviator into the pub for a drink.


      As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their
      whiskey, the haughty fighter pilot asked, "And how many have you caught?'


      'You're the eighth,' the old Marine Aviator answered.

      Found on the Refrigerator One Morning


      My Dear Wife,

      You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy.

      I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

      Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.



      When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


      My Dear Husband,

      I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.

      As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

      As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

      Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

      A motorcyclist is blasting down a nice, curvy back road when a bird flys in front of him and is hit by the windshield. The rider looks back and sees the bird lying motionless in the road. Concerned, he goes back and sees that the bird is still breathing although it is knocked out.

      He carefully tucks it into his tank bag and rides home with it. At home he digs through a closet and finds an old bird cage that an ex-girlfriend had left behind.

      He puts the little bird in the cage and leaves to go buy some birdseed.

      While the rider is away the small bird comes to and realizing it is caged hangs down it's head and remarks:

      "****, I must've killed that biker!"

      Political Aphorisms
      If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
      ~ Jay Leno


      The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
      ~ Henry Cate, VII


      We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
      ~ Aesop


      If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
      ~ Will Rogers


      Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
      ~ Nikita Khrushchev


      When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
      ~Clarence Darrow


      Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
      ~ Author unknown


      Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
      ~ John Quinton


      Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
      ~Oscar Ameringer


      I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
      ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952


      A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
      ~ Tex Guinan


      I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
      ~Charles de Gaulle


      Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
      ~Doug Larson


      There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
      ~Will Rogers
      Last edited by Mick; August 21st, 2018 at 09:18 AM.
      af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


      CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

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