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    Thread: 7th April

    1. #1
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      Mick's Avatar

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      7th April

      mae all...how are we today then? hope all is well in dingly dell.....well it was gonna happen thecold calli twhat you will caught me ...sore throat,blocked up nose...its one of the drawbacks of the aircon on the long haul...all those germs from folk getting launched throughout the plane ...still small price to pay ..Thats it home now cases unpacked and for the bin....they had a lifetime guarantee ..hope I last a bit longer than them..need some new ones for next trip...did a bit in the garden..strange how it all happens at once now got Julies dads ,SIL ,daughter and mine to do...I looked out the seeds I had to plant ...norra lot ..need to get some more tho to be honest I dont know what to plant up ..toms yes ,flowers yes ..anything else is caterpillar and slug fodder..its just started raining and those 2 are out playing ....better get them in ...

      Funny Tales About Safe Working Procedures and Protocols
      1. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.



      2. Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. 'Does anyone know,' I asked a few guys, 'what the speed limit is in our parking lot?'

      The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. 'That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?'




      3. Safety Managers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief - Franz Kafka



      4. What do you get if you put 100 Safety Managers in your basement? - A whine cellar



      5. Two workmen were digging foundations when one of them started shouting and jumping about . The other one thought his partner had hit an underground power cable and was being electrocuted so following good health and safety practice used a shovel to separate him from the electricity.

      Luckily for the first worker he wasn't getting an electric shock but was panicking after a wasp had flown up his trousers. Luckily he didn't get stung but the second worker hit him so hard with the shovel that his shoulder was dislocated.



      6. A police 'safety officer' was visiting a primary school in a particularly rough area of Manchester, England.

      'Why shouldn't you touch the oven door or the kettle?' he asked the assembled class.

      A young girls hand shot into the air. 'Because you might leave fingerprints,' she answered.



      7. A crowd gathered around at a woodworking trade show held at Fort Purbrook, Portsmouth and were watching a sales demonstration.

      The demonstrator had an ordinary saw next to another which had a saw stopping safety device. He showed how each might work when it hit an operator's finger.

      For simulation purposes he used a sausage as a substitute. Intrigued, a curious spectator stepped up for a closer look and was struck in the eye by a flying piece of debris.

      With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

      Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go"! The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

      Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides".

      "Why" asked the pilot?

      "Because I'm a cameraman for CNN", he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots".

      The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor"?!

      The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.

      As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.

      Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.

      Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

      On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

      Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

      Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

      "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car." his co-worker replied.

      "How was he going to do it?"

      "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

      "So what did he end up with?"

      "Ten years in prison."

      “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

      “I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail.”

      “When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.”

      “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

      “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.”

      “I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding… I don’t have a licence.”

      “I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.”

      “One in four frogs is a leap frog.”

      “Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.”
      “I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.

      “My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.”

      “My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.”

      “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

      “I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.”

      “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

      “Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”

      “Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

      “I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.”

      “You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”
      “My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.”

      “There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.”

      “How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.”

      “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.”

      “One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.”

      “My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.”

      “I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.”

      “I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.”

      “My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.”
      “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

      “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

      “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.
      “My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally.

      “The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?”
      “If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.”

      “I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.”

      “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

      “I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.”

      “Today… I did seven press ups: not in a row.”



      “My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.”

      “Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.”
      af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


      CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

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    3. #2
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      paulywogg's Avatar

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      Re: 7th April

      Mae everybody, welcome home Mick and thank you for sharing your vacay with us sorry about the cold but at least it hit after you got home,Lav,yep your grandsons current treatment doesn't seem to be working poor kid,I hope his parents get on it and get him some help soon,not fair for him or anyone else for him to be feeling like that,Sam,I heard shingles is terrible! Hope it's something else,off for another cup of coffee much love to all and wishes for a great BF Sunday!
      Last edited by paulywogg; April 7th, 2019 at 08:10 AM.
      I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

      I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"

      Off the table no MATTER what.

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      Re: 7th April

      MAE ALL...

      Mick...we're glad to have you back and thanks for kicking off this weeks thread. At least you didn't succumb to the cold on the flight out, I always want to be home if I'm not feeling well. I think I remember you telling us those cases would probably hit the bin upon return and you were right. I had to restock on my seeds this year too. We have what is called Seedy Saturday here in the city. You swap or by hybrid seeds and since you know they grew here last year they'll grow again this year. Looking forward to getting the garden going.

      Pauly...what no mention of allergies?? Does this mean you've concurred it or gave up on bitching about it. LOL Hope you have a great day.

      Reading all of TG's posts has got me de-cluttering this weekend. Killing time indoor cleaning till I can get out in the garden. Have a Super Sober Sunday all....PPQP

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    7. #4
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      Re: 7th April

      Quote Originally Posted by porqoui View Post
      MAE ALL...

      Mick...we're glad to have you back and thanks for kicking off this weeks thread. At least you didn't succumb to the cold on the flight out, I always want to be home if I'm not feeling well. I think I remember you telling us those cases would probably hit the bin upon return and you were right. I had to restock on my seeds this year too. We have what is called Seedy Saturday here in the city. You swap or by hybrid seeds and since you know they grew here last year they'll grow again this year. Looking forward to getting the garden going.

      Pauly...what no mention of allergies?? Does this mean you've concurred it or gave up on bitching about it. LOL Hope you have a great day.

      Reading all of TG's posts has got me de-cluttering this weekend. Killing time indoor cleaning till I can get out in the garden. Have a Super Sober Sunday all....PPQP
      A seedy Saturday??????????hang on hang wots this about?is this about plants or dodgy meetings???????
      af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


      CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

    8. #5
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      is Changing my thinking cuz the
      same old thinking leads to the
      same old drinking
       
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      Re: 7th April

      Quote Originally Posted by porqoui View Post
      MAE ALL...

      Mick...we're glad to have you back and thanks for kicking off this weeks thread. At least you didn't succumb to the cold on the flight out, I always want to be home if I'm not feeling well. I think I remember you telling us those cases would probably hit the bin upon return and you were right. I had to restock on my seeds this year too. We have what is called Seedy Saturday here in the city. You swap or by hybrid seeds and since you know they grew here last year they'll grow again this year. Looking forward to getting the garden going.

      Pauly...what no mention of allergies?? Does this mean you've concurred it or gave up on bitching about it. LOL Hope you have a great day.

      Reading all of TG's posts has got me de-cluttering this weekend. Killing time indoor cleaning till I can get out in the garden. Have a Super Sober Sunday all....PPQP
      Gave up on bitchin about it
      I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

      I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"

      Off the table no MATTER what.

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      Re: 7th April

      Quote Originally Posted by Mick View Post
      A seedy Saturday??????????hang on hang wots this about?is this about plants or dodgy meetings???????
      No that would be Weeding Wednesday
      Last edited by porqoui; April 7th, 2019 at 12:19 PM.

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      Re: 7th April

      Quote Originally Posted by paulywogg View Post
      Gave up on bitchin about it
      Good for you...waste of time...bitch about something you can change

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      Re: 7th April

      Ahoy ABerooooskies!

      getting hot in Vegas.... I'll be melting soon. Crazy week here but good overall despite that.

      PPQ, a hybrid seed swap sounds very cool to me!

      been contacted by a company and will be seeing them tomorrow about an offer for position there so
      that should be interesting.

      Was visiting my grandma this morning, she's moved here into my uncles place which is pretty neat.

      Had a lovely coffee date with a lady yesterday morn and things are looking pretty good. She's got 16 years
      in sobriety which is very cool.

      Sam, shingles? oh man... that's no damn fun. sorry to hear that.

      so I'm off to the gym, then a Refuge meet and maybe Thai food.

      shouts to all and all to come!

      be well loves
      nosce te ipsum
      (Know Thyself)

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      Re: 7th April

      Good evening Abbers,

      Det, I would give anything right now to have an afternoon with a grandma or my own Mom, I’m jealous.
      The new ladies just keep showing up in your life, lucky dog, ha ha. Is that another job offer you’re talking about? Wow!

      Mick, sorry you shared germs with another passenger, yuck. Pretty typical though.
      I was looking ahead at our weather forecast & don’t see any more freezing nights so I think I’ll start planting some seeds myself.

      Pauly, just learning to live with the allergies takes a whole lot of pressure off, no kidding.
      My grandson was here yo puck up his birthday present but I hear that he got himself suspended from school on Friday. I don’t know what they are planning to do with this kid. I know what I would do if it was up to me!

      Just to add to my grief list, YB got a call from the dermatology doc on Friday. His biopsies came back positive for melanoma, not good. He’s scheduled for surgery the end of the month. Ho hum

      PQ, you live in a friendly town, don’t you? I wish people were more like that around here. Everyone seems to keep to themselves around here. No wonder it gets lonely here, Lol. Enjoy the seed swap, sounds like fun.

      Hello to Cyn, Pie, Sam & SK. Hope everyone is OK.
      Have a nice night.

      Lav
      AF since 03/26/09
      NF since 05/19/09
      Success comes one day at a time

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      Re: 7th April

      mornin all ...how are we today then? good I hope ..Julie has a sore throat as well.....but obviously mines is the sorest ! that goes without saying.The couple who used to live next door to us came back yesterday to pick someplants up that I had kept for them..I get the feeling they are regretting their move ...might be wrong ..they also werent pleased that the present incumbents next door have literally cleared the back garden of all the shrubs etc..hey ho its their house ..Off for physio this morning , then go and get some plants etc.

      ok brew time ..

      hiya Lav..keep your chin up girl !how long was /is gson suspended for?I hope it is sorted out soon ...as for yb and his melanoma ..you are in my thoughts ..now wheres that big brew I just made ya?

      hiya det ...how are you then ...apart from melting away ..best ov luck with the job position tomorrow..and as the lady of 16years sobriety ...good for you ..hope that goes well too...thats a massive incentive

      aha ppqp ..welcome to mulchin Monday...how are you today then?all good indy province?We are supposed to get snow this week...we shall see ..personally I still think the stone o meter is the best way to forecast ..how is work doing now you had a discussion ?

      Pauly ..as for he pics ..you are welcome ...Im changing my phone provider ..there is a month to run on the contract ..I thought it was up ...Julie pays 4.99 a day when we are in non european countries for internet and thats as much as she can use ..I tried to connect to mine in Dubai ..it caned me 62.50 for 3 mins !!so as soon as its up thats me gone ..I like going on tinternet on holiday it is part of me ..my holidays must match the following ...a good view ....mostly seaviews ,wifi capability .and a good shower ..anyways I digress ..hope you are well..

      hiya teegee ..how are you doing?stilla busy bee ?

      pie ...you ok ...havent seen you here for a while

      sk same...how are you doing

      Sam..hows the shingles mate ? get better soon

      right on that note Ill go and get ready to let someone stick needles in me ...stretch and bend me and knock sh.t out of me ...oh and I will pay them for it .....strange world ..

      This begging in the 21st century is getting ridiculous.
      A kid came up to me today with an electric cigarette and asked,
      "Got a spare battery mate."

      I was trying to teach my 9 year old nephew sarcasm and he simply wasn't getting it .

      Later that day we were in the car and his sister said "we saw a green car today" I replied "jess that's really not very interesting, if you had seen a green car being driven by an elephant, that would have been interesting" she laughed then looked out of the window and said "is that a plane up there in the sky?"
      Her brother Sighed and said " No it's a dck with wings".

      We have two rottweilers, a mastiff and a pitbull terrier.

      On the one hand, we’ve never been burgled.

      On the other, we haven’t seen the kids for ages.

      Our son knocked himself out on a mini trampoline I bought him for his birthday.
      The wife said it was my stupid fault, placing it in our low-ceiling bungalow.

      She says with that incident plus my continuing awful puns, she's considering leaving me...

      I told her, "Lets not jump to any hasty concussions."

      Apart from cocaine,has anyone else figured out what those little pockets are for in jeans?

      Just got back from watching the giraffe grand national in South Africa.

      The favourite won by a neck.

      It was the biggest margin of victory in the last 14 years.

      I got into a spat with this drunk guy as we were both waiting for the toilets.

      He finally shoved me and said, "You wanna step outside."

      "You first, be my guest !" I said confidently, opening the door for him.

      He then took one step and instantly plummeted to his death 30,000 ft.

      What do you call a dinosaur with piles?

      An itchysaurus

      People who say 'Talking about climate change is the tip of the iceberg'
      Arent they missing the point?

      There are two words that have opened many doors for me in life.

      Push and Pull.
      af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


      CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

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