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Thread: October 20th

  1. #1
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    4th July, 2012.
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    October 20th

    hiya all ...hope all is well today .Did you all miss me yesterday?ok ok no need to go overboard !went to a family meal last night..Julies neice leaves on off teaching in Seoul,so we all went out for a was lovely so today is a fast day ..yep I pigged of Julies nephews ..(these are all her late brothers kids )has just got a contract doing media and photography in the prison thats another one in there far Julies dad worked there Julie does ,I did ,her nephew does as an officer, and now her other nephew does..He is only doing it short term he has applied to be a cop in shortage of work there.all in all tho ..a good night.

    hiya Det ,great to hear from ya...busy busy eh?glad things are ok.

    a good haircut makes everyone look good!,,,,hiya Lav Ive just had a good your chuffed no tuna on the would kind of be like the turkey ...tuna everything!! you seriously didnt think iw would be anything less than mahooosive did you? Snortin do-nuts? youll be putting dunkin do-nuts out of business

    hiya ok time someone offers you a seat you want to do a couple of somersaults and backflips and then just say no thanks!Yep the politics we have is very much a badly written sketch that in no way reflects the wishes of the people who btw myself included were sold a pup at the time of the vote ..the information was very loose thats polite for lying manipulative gits..If that vote was redone ,I pretty much think it would be a different result of the rreasons people were sticking by it was Juncker and Merkel and the rest of them s attitude ..bullying and threatening a nation we do not take to that and when people threaten us we go out our way to dig our heels in even to our own detriment ..its a trait .
    That little obnoxious dwarf you are talking about is John Berco...Im not too keen on him ..He is the Speaker of the House of Commons ,,,one of his tasks is to keep order amongst the members of the house so that they all get a fair hearing ..not to use it as a platform for his catty barbed upper class comments ..he is supposed to be impartial in his dealings ..hmmm "Ordah Ordah" thats the cry.He retires after this Brexit rubbish is finished.and rightly so
    Banksy had it right with his painting ..

    Invalid URL

    hiya take it easy !glad the party was a success ...but think of yourself!I take it a quiet weekend?

    hiya pauly hows you then? you good girl?yep family at times can be challenging ..I had my share of that too ..but the old adage blood is thicker than water is true .

    I was in the pub this afternoon,sat quietly enjoying a drink at the bar, when this big fat ugly horror came up an started chatting me up.
    I asked "Excuse me, do you have a pen"?
    She replied "Yes, why"?
    I said "Well you better get back in it before the farmer realises that you've got out"

    A man hates his wife"s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.
    When he gets home, it"s there.
    Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.
    When he gets home, it"s there.
    So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
    One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?"
    "Yes, why?" asks his wife."
    Put the it on," he says, "I"m fcking lost."

    Before the internet, people had to walk miles just to call me an a$$hole

    Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
    One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner
    is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$holes."
    Without skipping a beat, the old woman said,“Must be doing well...Only two left.!"

    Just opened door twentytwelvety on my dianne abbott advent calendar

    I hear the Spanish want to declare war against the British over Gibraltar leaving the EU but they are struggling to find their navy.

    Here is a clue. It is still at the bottom of the English Channel

    Ever wondered why the River Mersey runs through Liverpool?

    Because if it walked, it would get mugged

    So this kid never says anything. He's ten years old and has never said a word his entire life. His parents are naturally overwrought with concern.

    They take him to specialists, they read books on psychology, they do everything they can to pique his interest, but nothing seems to work.

    They are literally at their wits end when one day at the dinner table, out of the blue, kid says -- "Soup's cold".

    Needless to say his parents are completely in shock and, of course, at the same time overjoyed. "He can talk", blurts out the Mom!

    Dad says, "After all this time, after all the therapy sessions, after everything we've done to try to get you to talk, how come you've never said anything"?

    Kid says, "Well, up until now everything's been fine".

    An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.

    She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.

    When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"

    Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."

    "Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.

    As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

    From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

    A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

    "What are they doing, Grandma" asked the little girl?

    The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor".

    They're just like people, aren't they Grandma" said the little one?

    "How do you mean" asked the Grandma?

    "Offer someone a helping hand", said the little girl, "and they screw you every time"!

    I have a really good buddy called Pete. He lost an arm a few years back in a motorcycle accident. I saw him last Friday and called "Hi Pete where are you going"?

    "To change a light-bulb" he replied.

    Trying not to be offensive I ventured "Won't that be a little awkward"?

    "Not really" he retorted, "I still have the receipt".

    Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

    One says to the other, "jeez, i'd really like to dance with that girl."

    The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

    So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

    Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i'm sorry. right now i'm contemplating on matrimony, and i'd rather sit than dance."

    So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.

    The drunk responded, "she said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather sh.t in her pants."

    Extracts from Police Car Video Arrests

    The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

    #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

    #14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

    #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    #12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

    #11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

    #10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

    #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

    #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

    #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey shit!."

    #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

    #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

    #4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

    #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

    #2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

    and the best one . .

    #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
    ..... You're right, we don't. ... Sign here
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then proudly marching into year 8..done that bimbling into year 9..tick ..done that one he casually strolls into numero 10


  2. #2
    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    13th February, 2009.
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    Re: October 20th

    Greetings Abbers,

    Rain all day today but we sure need it so I won’t complain.
    The fishing guys returned around 2 pm, totally fish-less, haha!! They had a great trip though & really enjoyed the day out on the boat.

    Yes Mick, I am happy that there’s no tuna stuffing my freezer, LOL
    It would take a century to eat all that!! Glad you had a good family day yesterday. It’s not unusual to have more than one family member in law enforcement jobs. Not something I ever wanted to do but I do understand the draw. Usually good pay & benefits if you can tolerate the BS.

    Det, glad to see you checked in & Congrats on all the work dude!!! Keep that camera humming

    Hello to Cyn, PQ, Pauly & everyone!

    Think I’ll go close up the chicken house while i can still see out there. There’s mud puddles developing everywhere, haha!!
    Have a nice night!

    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

  3. #3
    Registered User. paulywogg's Avatar

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    30th June, 2012.
    Las Vegas.
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    Re: October 20th

    Mae everybody,Lav, lucky you with all that rain! I'm being serious,dry as a bone here Det,you sound good,great you found a job,waves to all
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"
    Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

  4. #4
    Registered User. treegirl's Avatar

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    4th April, 2010.
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    Re: October 20th

    Mae all -

    Hubs is at work and I finally have a day to myself, hallelujah! We had a birthday party to go to in NYC yesterday, but managed to get home before the rain. I am learning how to walk the dog outside in the pouring rain... sadly, no cover here for him - it's one of the few ways that I miss our old house - I could just send the dog outdoors to get wet all by himself!

    Hope all are doing well -
    Mick, congrats to your niece going to teach in Seoul, that will be an adventure. PS, the last couple of nights we started watching Prime Suspect - Tennison... I wonder if the prison shown there is like the one your father worked in? It is interesting to see a police force in the 1970s...
    Det, congrats on the new job and getting through all the long days of work - woo hoo!
    Pauly, are the temps dropping there at all yet? I remember that I used to long for November when I was in the desert.
    PPQ, how are you doing? I hope that you got some rest this weekend... take it slow.
    Lav, those donuts look cruelly fabulous!! I have decided to go back to grain-free for awhile... I think it will have good benefits for me. Last night a turkey breast in the AP and squash in the toaster oven... the squash was sweet like sugar! Is there power run out to the chicken coop? I think of you each night as I walk my pup outside in the semi-darkness (straining to see if the resident skunk is hanging around... sheesh!)
    Hello to Sam and all others -- (did I miss someone?, sorry if so...)
    Must get working, as I have a lot to accomplish -- grateful to be able to work steady at home today, no long drives like last week.
    May we be well...

  5. #5
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    Re: October 20th

    hiya all how are we all today then? all good I hope...cloudy day but no rain at the moment ..we have a warning for frost tonight.

    hiya Lav ,hows you then without a freezer of tuna? bet you are heartbroken!!! have a good day

    hiya pauly ...hope you are well .we have enough water for a while.have a decent day

    hiya teegee ...hows you then?all good..Yes Im sure she will enjoy Seoul.Helen Mirren did well in Prime Suspect..Julies dad started in 1967..he was on the last death watch in UK ..thats the 6 weeks prior to a prisoner being sentenced to hang there wee 2 sentenced to death at the same time in Liverpool and one in Manchester.I started 20 years I had part of the good old bad days...slopping out etc .When I left the army ,I initially intended to join the police ,I was refused because I had tattoos..and yet you look at them now !have you learned the art of dog walking in the rain? one long range dog lead is called for .

    hiya ppqp ..hope things are ok with you ...

    big shouts to all...

    Only one more Brexit delay till Christmas.

    Just before I die, I'm going to ask for a pen and paper.

    Then I'll write...


    I bought a ring for £1 at a charity shop and a chap on Antiques Roadshow said it was extremely rare and worth £2,000.

    I did the decent thing and took it back to the shop.

    And told them all about it.

    Worry dog walkers and parents at your local park by walking around looking concerned with a 25 inch diameter black, leather studded collar attached to a 4 foot long 3 inch wide rope shouting "Here Satan. Here boy".


    Bad news is that Viagra can lead to temporary blindness.

    However, if you are naked, it'll also ensure that you don't walk into any walls.

    I went in the chinese restaurant I said "do you do take aways?"

    He replied "ah yes seven tek away free is four"

    Yesterday my wife was absolutely exhausted after a long day of shopping.

    That mouse doesn't move itself.

    "Police investigating woman who walked out of salon appointment"

    They'd like to return her carrier bag, the one with the five packets of cocaine in it.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then proudly marching into year 8..done that bimbling into year 9..tick ..done that one he casually strolls into numero 10


  6. #6
    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: October 20th

    Good evening Abbers,

    Nice day today, sunny & pleasant. Met an old friend for lunch & now I’m watching my grandsons. They are full of meatballs & playing games on the ipads now, haha!! Apparently we will be getting another half inch of rain tonight.

    Pauly. I guess fire warnings must be up for your area due to dry conditions, huh? Be careful out there!

    Cyn, the donuts were good & fairly healthy - vegan, Lol. Not something I make often but I do enjoy baking them
    Dog walking in the winter is going to be hard after having access to a yard, I get that. My dog wants to be out all the time too. We do have electric in the chicken house but I need to remember to go put a light on out there BEFORE it gets dark. You know the deal when there’s no street lights to help.

    Mick, my freezer & I are both very happy to be tuna free. YB had a bunch of Amish guys lined up to buy tuna, just in case, haha! They go thru a ton of food daily to keep their huge families fed. We are currently selling eggs to one family who go thru 18 eggs/day!!!
    Are you ready for a frost? Seems a bit early but it happens.

    Hello to the busy Det!

    PQ, hope you are doing well.

    Have a nice night everyone!
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

  7. #7
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    13th May, 2012.
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    Re: October 20th

    MAE ALL...

    The party took more out of me than I thought so Saturday I spent a lot of the day horizontal. Sunday night was a rough one, not feeling well at all, dizzy, short of breath and felt like I was going to pass out. I did go into work for a little while this morning but ended up coming home. I have always had normal/good blood pressure but since my little stint in the hospital it's been very low. I'm assuming that has something to do with the amount of blood I lost. I have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow so will find out what's going on. Also able to get in to see my Rheumatologist tomorrow so will be able to get my arthritis medication renewed for another year. Sorry for not participating in the discussion but will hopefully feel better tomorrow. Have a good night all....PPQP

  8. #8
    Registered User. paulywogg's Avatar

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    30th June, 2012.
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    Re: October 20th

    Mae everybody,PQ,hope you're feeling better today Lav,yum those donuts did look good, perfect for fall and great with a cup of coffee I'll bet,Cyn,did you move closer to NYC? Or same town different place? Back spams kept me up and miserable last night,don't get them often but yikes when I do,they started when I was around 20 and they just come on every 3-4 months like clockwork,very weird,works been a disaster! She's firing another girl and I recounted and it's actually been 6 in the past year,this one is really wacko tho so yeah she needs to go,much love to all and wishes for a great BF Tuesday for us all
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"
    Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

  9. #9
    Registered User. treegirl's Avatar

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    Re: October 20th

    Mae all -
    PPQ, so sorry about your exhaustion - no surprise, you wanted to "make it happen", but it really came at a price... I'm sure you'll get strength back soon, but take it a little easy, yes? Sending healing thoughts.

    Mick, thx for the primer on who's who in the Parliament... yes, my Brit friends say that the whole idea was sprung on the country with little explanation of the potential dire effects to the country.... and then Ireland and Scotland getting only one vote each? Sounds like a bad deal from the start... good luck!!! PS, the series I'm watching is actually a prequel to the Helen Mirren "Prime Suspect" - it's called Tennison, and shows what she was like in the early days of her police career.. Hmmm, tattoos put you out of the running? Sounds like they missed hiring a great policeman.

    Lav, yes I do remember that pitch-black darkness! And I crave it! Our apartment is on a back corner, which is great for my gimpy dog, but we also have the fire door light to contend with... no full darkness here ever. The blinds block some light, but I am still finding it hard to sleep with the light coming through. (Hey, maybe YB could fit the henhouse with a motion-detector light!!?) This evening I'm brushing off the IP to make a big pot of chicken soup today... rain is on the way...

    Pauly, are you doing okay with the fire danger? My SD is Operations for a community health center in Napa, and they have twice now had to work without power while the power company shuts their lines down... crazy! Hope all the kids are feeling well now...

    Det, good luck on all the jobs! A certain amount of busy is good, right?

    Hello to Sam and all --

    May we be well...

  10. #10
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    4th July, 2012.
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    Re: October 20th

    hiya everyone ,how are we today then? hope all is well ..The political circus continues still over is a complete shambles..controlled by a completely unbiased and impartial speaker in the house of commons .I would love o know the journey the vote went on that diluted and bastardised the wishes of the people to turn them into participants in the country's biggest reality serial.
    anyway nice day here ,tho it is cold .so brew time ,

    hiya tee gee ..hows you then? hope all is well ..thanks for your compliment ..did ok with the Prison Service ..Yes the political ramble over here couldnt write this!!as for is a good intro to the series .Did you make the big pot of soup?

    hiya Pauly hows the back today then?do you do any exercises for it?bloody heck your boss changing staff faster n clocks!stay out of the firing line!!!

    hiya ppqp are you feeling today? hope you are a bit better maybe need some iron and all that you take it easy!!hows the garden doing at work?

    hiya Lav,hows you then?yep Im ready for thefrost ,though I have got quite a lot of plants in the garden,but do I bring them in now or watch the remaining blooms?Ive gone for option 2

    how is your garden doing?

    big hello to everyone else ...

    I said to my wife, " I saw a woman with her boobs out on the bus feeding her son."

    She said, "It's natural."

    "Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."

    '...Coincidentally with Brexit, the clocks go back on October 31st. Let's hope they go back 50-years BEFORE Britain had even HEARD of the European Union.'

    Asda is changing its contract of employment to ensure customers who use self-service checkouts can't claim the minimum wage.

    "Hey, fancy coming over to watch groundhog day?"

    "But we watched it yesterday..."


    A young man came home from work and found his new bride sobbing convulsively.

    "I feel terrible", she told him. "I was ironing your best suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your pants".

    "Forget it", consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit".

    "Yes, and it’s lucky you have", said his new bride, dabbing her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole".

    Little Johnny was sweating while digging a hole to plant a tree and cursing as per usual.

    Little Johnny's gardening teacher says "Johnny, please stop swearing the Lord is everywhere".

    Little Johnny replys "Ok... so I guess He is in that tree over there"?

    "Yes" his teacher replys.

    "Ok.. no worry's" says Little Johnny " He in my dad's wheel barrow"?

    "Yes Johnny" his teacher replys

    Little Johnny says "B@LLshit ....!!! My dad AINT GOT one".

    A scottish colonel walks into a chemist, goes to the counter and hands over a small wooden box.

    The chemist opens it and finds an old condom with a hole in it.

    The colonel says 'how much to repair it'?

    The chemist says '70p I guess'.

    The colonel says 'how much for a new one'.

    The chemist replies '£1'.

    The scotsman walks back outside and a few seconds later there is a loud cheer followed by a louder cheer. The colonel walks back inside and says 'the battalion has decided, we'll take a new one'.

    The baby pigeon complained to his mother before flying a long distance, 'I can't make it, I'll get too tired.'

    His mother replied, 'Don't worry, I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.'

    The baby started to cry.

    'What's wrong?' asked the mother sympathetically.

    'I don't want to end up being pigeon towed.'

    Beth was carrying her new baby son around Macro when she bumps into Suzanne, her old college friend.

    "How lovely" Suzanne exclaims! "He looks just like his father"!

    "Yes, he does" Beth says "but it's a pity he doesn't look more like my husband"...

    Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

    One of the old Grandmas yelled out,'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

    The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess that, you old slappers.'

    One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and underpants & we can tell your exact age.'

    Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

    The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & then jump up & down several times.

    Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all piped up & said,'You're 87 years old!'

    Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

    'How in the world did you guess my age?'

    Slapping their knees & pissing themselves laughing, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -

    'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'

    A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

    He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

    The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

    The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

    The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.

    Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.

    They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

    The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

    Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes.

    Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

    The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his
    hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

    They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

    The butcher runs up and stops the guy,

    "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

    To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then proudly marching into year 8..done that bimbling into year 9..tick ..done that one he casually strolls into numero 10


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