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Thread: 2nd Feb

  1. #1
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    2nd Feb

    mae all...how are we today then?hope all is well with you.We seem to be back in business on here again ,...according to Lavs post it was a phishing expedition that did the damage..Cod knows what pleasure they get out of it ..the sole porpoise to destroy the site.The plaice has gone mad...

    Anyway ..Sunday today...not done a lot this weekend,apart from run backwards and forwards to the vets with my companions..aka known as pet rabbits Jeeves seems a lot better now...Im sure he just likes seeing me shell out cash!Overcast and damp out there ,but at least it isnt raining at the present.So whats everyone been up to this weekend?owt or nowt?

    take care and have a great safe sober and sane?Sunday.......

    With today's focus on exercising, I've been trying to persuade my husband to join me in a 20-minute evening walk.

    One evening after reading an article called "Improve Your Sex Life", I presented my new argument. I told my hubby that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes a day it would improve his sex life.

    Hubby replied, "Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away"?

    Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening"?

    The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand".

    "I can handle that without a problem", the first nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

    "We use beer for washing our hair" the first nun said, "back at The Nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo".

    Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
    He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "The curlers are on the house".

    Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.

    The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

    "274" was his reply.

    The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

    "Tuesday" replies the second man.

    The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

    "Nine" says the third man.

    "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

    "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

    A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

    When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place." Obviously, his release was denied.

    Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place". Again, he was turned down.

    Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."

    So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.

    So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.

    He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."

    "Good," they said, and then what?"

    He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."

    They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what"?

    "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."

    "Yes?, they said excitedly.

    "Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.

    The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"

    He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!

    John was in the fertilized egg business.

    He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

    He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

    Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

    When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

    He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.


    Clearly old Butch was a Republican in the making. Who else but a Republican could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

  2. #2
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: 2nd Feb

    MAE ALL...glad to see the site back up and working.

    Mick...thanks for kicking off this weeks thread. Glad Jeeves is doing better, he sure does keep you busy. After summer like weather we got a huge dump of snow overnight. Back to reality. Putting the coffee on for us all....PPQP

  3. #3
    Registered User. paulywogg's Avatar

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    Re: 2nd Feb

    Mae everybody, glad Jeeves is better Mick, yep think he likes to see you shell out money PQ, it's supposed to be in the 70's today then jump down to the 50's tomorrow, weirdo weather? Much love to the gang, glad to see we're back up and running, have a great BF Sunday!
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"

    Off the table no MATTER what.

  4. #4
    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: 2nd Feb

    Greetings everyone!

    Dark & dampish here today as well. Made a run to Costco, came home with 2 chickens, roasted them & now all the bones are in the IP making wonderful homemade (unsalted) chicken stock

    Mick, the ‘No Bell Piece prize’ LOL
    Glad the bunnies are happy & healthy, despite your wallet being a lot thiner this week. Just like having kids all over again, right? I had to take my dog to the vet for bloodwork to check her thyroid level & get her Rx refilled. I left $137.93 poorer

    PQ, so sorry about the snow, WTF? How does the weather change that quickly??
    Our PA rodent ‘Phil’ didn’t see his shadow this morning so it’s going to be an early spring. Still haven’t had a real winter yet, geez.

    Pauly, hope your day was good!

    Hello to Det, Cyn & Sam & anyone else looking in tonight.

    Have a nice night everyone.
    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

  5. #5
    Registered User. treegirl's Avatar

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    Re: 2nd Feb

    Mae all,

    Hearing, but not watching the Super Bowl...

    So glad all seems to be sorted here on the thread..

    Lav, sounds yummy - good bone broth! I made (for the first time in forever) a Sunday Pot Roast ( in the IP with carrots and potatoes...) YUM! Even hubs loved it. Felt very homey. I hear ya on the vet bills, sheesh.

    Mick, sorry about Jeeves - hey do they have anything like "digestive enzymes" for rabbits? It sure helps some of us humans... good luck with that!

    Pauly, how is it all going? Do you feel better? How is the rest of the family? Hope all is good.

    PPQ, wow, that is one big switch in weather. I wouldn't mind some snow here - seems like a cold wet spring instead of a nice bright cold winter, ah well. Hope the temps aren't too low for you!

    Hello to Det and Sam and Papmom.... wishing all well tonight and tomorrow!

  6. #6
    Registered User. paulywogg's Avatar

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    Re: 2nd Feb

    Mae everybody, that Superbowl was boring to me, I'm not much of a sports fan anyways but still, oh well, had a hard time getting with it yesterday! Hubs too just really groggy all day long, just a quicky from me today I'll be back after work much love to all and wishes for a great BF Monday!
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"

    Off the table no MATTER what.

  7. #7
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    Re: 2nd Feb

    Good afternoon all how are we today then? Hope you are all well cold over here today, very windy and more storms are expected still soon be summer haha. You've seems to be doing a lot better now I think one of the Big Things now is me being over cautious with him. Ok on we go
    Hiya tree girl, and how are you this afternoon ? hope all is well. Looking at your post the bit about a bone broth , that takes me back a few years . as a child I used to get sent to the butcher's for any bones when my mum would make soup it started the week off where you could stand the spoon in it comma and lasted the week where it was like water I looked at you you thing about digestive enzymes for rabbits also it is possible to get them and next time I go to the I am going to see what they say. For some reason, over here vets are very loathe to dish out prescriptions for animals, and yet doctors do prescriptions for patients willy-nilly. We shall see

    Hello ppq p how are you today then? Hope all is well with you yes we've certainly keeps me on my toes. Have you still got snow has melted yet? How is work?

    Hiya Pauly and how are you today ? Hope all is well with you you yes I must agree I'm pretty sure gives takes sudden illness fits just to empty my wallet have you got this in temperatures today or have they dropped ? have a nice day
    And hello lav how are you today?
    Hope all is well with you so you went to Costco and came home with two chickens what were they doing in Costco? Shopping? And how come they got roasted when you got them home ? that was a bit extreme haha yes we will never be rich as long as we have animals... I almost said pets haha hope you have a great day
    Right folks that me me a big hello to everyone else out there, and I'll put some jokes up later on take care have a nice day

    There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

    Dear Sir:
    Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

    Dear Sir:
    Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he received a small parcel and a note which read:

    Dear Sir:
    Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.
    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in heaven.

    St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out". And he left.

    The couple sat and waited for an answer. For months. They began to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered.

    The man pondered, "Are we stuck together forever"?

    St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes", he informed the couple, "you can get married in heaven" .

    "Great", said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven"?

    St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

    "What's wrong"? asked the frightened couple.

    "Come on"! St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer"?

    Real Notes to British Milkmen
    Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

    Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

    Cancel one pint after the day after today.

    Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

    Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

    Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

    Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

    Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

    Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

    When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

    Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

    My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?

    Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

    Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

    Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

    From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

    My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

    Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

    When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

    No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

    Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

    "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

    So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

    The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

    The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

    "Me, is right here," replies the old man.

    "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

    "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen."

    Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

    "I say, Sem Ting."

    These are real answers from school kids!

    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: What is artificial insemination?
    A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
    A: The body is consisted into three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

    Q: What is the fibula?
    A: A small lie.

    Q: What does "varicose" mean?
    A: Nearby.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"
    A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
    Last edited by Mick; February 3rd, 2020 at 01:25 PM.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

  8. #8
    Registered User. Determinator's Avatar

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    Re: 2nd Feb

    oy.... yawn. heya ABEroooooos!

    typing a bit funny thanks to whacking off the end of my thumb cooking yesterday..owie. Glad bunnies are good. Weather on the other hand is challenging i see.
    Got cold again in Vegas in a big hurry....blasting storm last night kept me and the missus up, hence my yawny today.

    the girls put on the superbowl and attempted to explain it to me but I relegated myself to BBQ duty for the most part so everyone was happy.

    got a new graphics computer delivered over the weekend so I've been gleefully setting it up and she's a monster...yay. this means my video content creation will be a crapload
    easier and faster. A relief.

    goodness, just braindead from tiredness today... will try to be more fun shortly after i get some sleep tonight.

    be well loves
    nosce te ipsum
    (Know Thyself)

  9. #9
    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: 2nd Feb

    Good evening friends!

    Nice day here in these parts but I hear it will be raining for the next 4 days, oh well. Met two friends for lunch, had a nice chat

    Cyn, I used to make the bone broth in the crockpot, left it cooking on low for 17 hours. No more of that when I can get good stuff in 45 minutes in the IP.
    Glad you IP meal was a hit!!!!!

    Pauly, I didn’t even turn the Superbowl on - that’s how much I care about sports, haha!!
    I’ve been laughing like crazy since #45 tweeted congrats to the wrong state - DUH!!!!! Dumb a s a rock that man is - no sh*t!

    Mick, I often wondered what we will see at the pearly gates. I never really thought of an angry St. Peter with a clipboard, haha!!!
    Can you pick up a probiotic at the drug store? You could open a capsule & sprinkle a little on Jeeves food.

    Det, your video was great - loved the cat action too
    I haven’t been sleeping much the past two weeks - what’s going on???

    Hey PQ, hope you are not snowed in or anything!

    Well I hope everyone has a nice night!
    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

  10. #10
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: 2nd Feb

    MAE ALL...man is there a lot of snow out there! Only got about 5 inches but there was a lot of drifting. The roads were a mess.

    Pauly...I didn't watch the super bowl either. Flipped over to see what the 1/2 time show was like and it had just finished. Hope work went ok today.

    TG...you can gladly have my snow. Temps supposed to increase the rest of the week but I don't think it'l be enough to melt any of this. Good job with the pot roast.

    Mick...I bet it's hard to be overly cautious with Jeeves especially since you see what he goes through. Hope you have some luck with getting the digestive enzymes. Glad he's doing better. I'll have snow for awhile now. Going to have to budget for some new tires, these ones won't see me through another winter. Work is actually going quite well. There seems to be a change in the boss, he's more forthcoming with information. However he still needs to deal with the HR portion of his job. The prog coord is the same but I've managed to just ignore her without getting myself into trouble. LOL

    Lav...you can have my real winter, I'm done with it. Our Balzac Billy didn't see his shadow either, so if it's not 6 weeks when will spring actually arrive. My brother in law was in town today so he picked me up early from work and we went to my nephews for dinner. I hadn't seen him since my sister passed away so it was good to get together. Especially because I wasn't driving. LOL Didn't get snowed in but there was a pile of it to brush off the car this morning. Just before the snow storm hit it rained for about 2 hours. You can just imagine what the roads were like.

    Det...you didn't actually whack the end of your thumb off did you? I hope not. You do sound tired, at least my storm wasn't a noisy windy one. Nice score on the new graphics computer. What fun. Hope you get a good nights sleep.

    Jammie time and relaxing with my book. Hope we all have a restful sleep....PPQP

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