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Thread: 16th Feb

  1. #11
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    Re: 16th Feb

    afternoon all from the wetlands ..hows you today then?hope all is well...Call me mad ,but I went out in the garden this morning ...doing some tidying up moving plants and a bit of weeding too .and now Im making another little boat for the canal on the railway and putting lighting in the canal tunnel....Its getting colder ,the winds have died down...and guess what ..we are back on the going to snow stunt now..Watching the news this morning ...and guess what ...they set up a study group a few years ago,and the results are out ....it is not cost effective to build homes on flood plain.....a study group for that???? its kind of like the lets have meeting scenario..ok who will attend the meeting .....ermmmm lets have a meeting to discuss attendance at the meeting!

    Hiya Pauly hows you then?good I hope ...Ive ony been on flights twice in heavy winds and it was skeery!!on one it hit turbulence and droppedlike a stone ...the other it took 2 attempts to land .hope you enjoyed the hamboigerz

    hiya tg how are you then today?hope all is well with you....yes storm has passed..just waiting the next instalment!!

    hiya Lav and how are you then today?all good I hope ..you got the goats yet? ha ha ...yes its pretty rubbish out there though even in the cold and rain I enjoyedplaying in the garden ..then I went out and got some more dandelions for the rabbits .hows the grandson?

    hiya ppqp ..you ok?

    I’m not saying that Liverpool’s a shthole, but there’s a guy on the market there selling fake Primark gear.

    "I've told you before," I said, "I don't go out with married women."

    As I headed for the pub I could hear her shouting, "But I'm your wife."

    A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP"! really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

    The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

    They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

    At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP"! really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

    The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something"?

    The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf... he's BLIND"!

    The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.


    When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.


    The man said "It was enough to make anybody faint...

    my son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower"!

    A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his cell as "LOW BATTERY".

    Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger.

    I Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers.

    The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
    Finally I pondered about an age old question:
    Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

    Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

    Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion

    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another baby". On the other hand, you'll never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the nuts".

    I rest my case.

    Case closed!

    An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

    The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now"?

    "Yes".

    "Oui".

    "Sí".

    "Ja".


    Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction Center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, "I hear that if you don't have any teeth they won't take you." They decide it's worth a try, so they stop at a dentist and have all their teeth pulled.

    When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line.

    Just as he steps into line, a big ole farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the second toothless guy lines up behind him.

    The first toothless guy steps up and the doctor asks, "Anything wrong with you"?

    The guy says, "Well, no, except I don't have any teeth".

    The doctor says, "Open up and let me have a look".

    The guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, "Sure enough, you stand over there".

    The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The farmboy in front of him steps up and the doctor asks, "Anything wrong with you"?

    The farm boy says, "No doc, 'ceptin I have a little case of the piles".

    The doctor says, "Bend over, spread 'em and let me see." The boy does. The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, "Sure 'nough. You stand over there".

    The next toothless guy having observed the examination with the farmboy steps up and when the doctor asks him, "Anything wrong with you"?

    "Not a damn thing ... just give me a gun, I'm a fighting son-of-a-bitch"!!
    Last edited by Mick; February 18th, 2020 at 04:06 PM.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

  2. #12
    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: 16th Feb

    Greetings Abbers,

    Nice day, some sun & 61 degrees! Never did get rain last night so I guess it will get here when it gets here.

    Cyn, I did build an addition on my house in 1985 & moved my parents in. Seems like a nightmare/dream now
    I really hope I can live on my own somewhere (not here) & not crash on my kids. It was just too much for all of us.
    This winter has been strange, for sure. I noticed the rosemary in my herb garden has some purple blooms popping out on it today.

    Pauly, I slept decently again last night so I think I’m going to continue with the progesterone oil. It’s also supposed to kickstart your metabolism which is half the reason I bought it, haha. If I lose a few pounds it would be miraculous. Take a look at Rated Best Thyroid Vitamins & Supplements | Forefront Health

    PQ, how was your day?
    Det, how was your day?

    Mick, I hope you haven’t blown away & everything is OK.
    My DIL just said grandson is very nasty - which means he doesn’t feel great! I don’t think her nursing skills are great. I’ll probably stop in & check on him myself tomorrow.

    Have a nice night kids!
    Lav
    Last edited by Lavande; February 18th, 2020 at 06:37 PM.
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

  3. #13
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: 16th Feb

    MAE ALL...

    Mick...internet was having it's own way yesterday and appears my post didn't materialize. Glad the winds have died down a bit, I was picturing everything in your yard flying away. Trust you to be out gardening already. I'm looking at least another 3 months.

    Lav...woke up to -2F and snow You just never know what you're going to get till you actually open the door. That's an interesting link, I may be tempted as well. I hope grandson isn't too bad and I'm glad you're going to check on him yourself.

    TG...trying to remember your post as I'm not going to try scrolling back and loose this one. Sounds like you're on you're own again, maybe some me time now?

    Pauly...hamburger helper would have worked for me tonight, wish I had thought of it. Not sure what I'll make.

    Have a good night all....PPQP

  4. #14
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    Re: 16th Feb

    hiya all...you will never guess ...its raining ..still not to worry ....been playing on the trains and also out in the garden ,..just moving plants around ..If you listen to the news and the updates..its pretty heavy duty in the future for flooding..and yet they arestill building houses on flood plain....crazee.....so how are we all today then?good I hope ....not many on here yesterday.brew time ..

    hiya Lav ,hows you then?all ok?hows the "nasty"grandson doing ..hope is getting better .....or should that be worth in younger speak nowadays ..where bad means good....was on the treadmill this morning gave it some hammer ...Ive now got my weight at 11.6.....31st Dec I was 12.8....got to get loads of room for America !!hope you have a good day.

    hiya ppqp...hows you then?hope all is ok with you .....still got the snow?Son doing better?I hope so.have a good day..

    hi pauly hope you are well?and the same for all our other reader s

    I rang Kwik-Fit up and asked them if they had a headlight.
    " What is it for," asked the mechanic.
    I said, " So I can drive at night you stupid gitt."

    In case you missed it, here are the key players in the new cabinet:

    Chancellor - Dominic Cummings
    Foreign Sec - Dominic Cummings
    Home Sec - Dominic Cummings
    Education - Dominic Cummings
    Defence - Dominic Cummings
    Prime Minister - Dominic Cummings
    No 10 Cat - Dominic Cummings

    Ryanair passengers cry, pray and even retch on the flight from Morocco to Belgium during Storm Dennis.

    And that was just at check-in.

    A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by.

    So she called a repair man.

    The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

    "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.

    At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

    Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"

    Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

    A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. Seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

    As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"

    She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him?

    " She said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

    "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

    "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

    "Tell him," she whispered, " there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room

    A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

    They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

    One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

    Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

    But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

    After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

    The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

    She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

    When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

    It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

    Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

    'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

    While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

    Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.

    I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

    Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

    Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. So I drank it.

    I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

    In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

    By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' sh.t-faced I could hardly push his pram back home.

    A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume".

    One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

    "Very good" said the teacher.

    Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

    "That's excellent" says the teacher.

    Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."

    The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."

    Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

    The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

    "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."

    Retired Person's Perspective


    I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

    I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

    You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably unhappy.

    Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

    You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

    I don't like making plans for the day....because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

    I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.

    I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it "the Jim". I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".

    Dear paranoid people, who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

    Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege. (just remember Einstein's comment, "There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits.")
    Last edited by Mick; February 19th, 2020 at 10:44 AM.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

  5. #15
    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: 16th Feb

    Good evening everyone,

    Grandson is on the mend. I scrapped my ‘to do’ list today & made mushroom soup & baked 3 loaves of cinnamon raisin bread. That’s what retirement does to you, Lol

    PQ, sorry about the snow & cold. I just heard that we will be getting rain eventually while snow is predicted down in North & South Carolina. How messed up is that???

    Mick, people will build houses anywhere, duh. I just noticed a week ago a new house going up about 2 miles from here. That area was completely under water a few years ago after a big storm. You have to wonder what’s wrong with people & the builders too. Glad your trains are getting plenty of attention

    Hello to Cyn, Det, Pauly, Sam & anyone else stopping by.

    Have a nice night everyone!
    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

  6. #16
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: 16th Feb

    MAE ALL...

    Mick...yup, still got the snow but at least it's not falling from the sky anymore. The chinook rolled in so we're above freezing with a glorious day in store for tomorrow. Had a great day at work and was able to play cards. Wednesday's are my new favorite day of the week. I'm glad you've got your trains to play with during all this rain. At least you won't be driving Julie crazy. LOL The director and assistant director of childcare had a meeting with the so called boss today and all hell broke loose. The only comment I've heard so far is he's an asshole! Yup, I feel your pain. Only reiterates any meetings/questions/support will all be done in their office to keep the "boss" out of our way.

    Lav...Isn't it nice to be able to scrap your "to do list" and not feel guilty? Mushroom soup and cinnamon bread sounds lovely. Weather is really messed up everywhere. We're going to be around 50F from now till early next week then another deep freeze with snow. Geeze, enough already! Glad grandson is on the mend, did you pop over and see for yourself?

    Shout out to the rest of the gang. Going in early tomorrow as I'm dropping the car off for an oil change (which was due in Nov) in the morning. Hope we all have a peaceful night.....PPQP

  7. #17
    Registered User. paulywogg's Avatar

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    Re: 16th Feb

    Mae everybody, PQ, nothing like waiting til the last minute to get your oil changed hubs does ours and I think he waits that long too, Mick, hope the weather is better today, Lav, how's grandson? Had the boys for a bit last night and one was coughing and the other blowing booger bubbles so here they go again, much love to all and wishes for a great BF Thursday!
    I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink

    I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me"
    Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

  8. #18
    Registered User. treegirl's Avatar

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    Re: 16th Feb

    Mae all -

    Howdy to all -

    Mick, you are dedicated gardener, out in the midst of rain. I did that last year when I was getting the house ready to sell - rain, snow, whatever, I was out in it. In my bright yellow rain suit I felt invincible! Hope the next wave of storm is not as terrible. (Loved the Ryanair joke!)

    Lav, mmmm, Cinnamon bread. I think it's time for me to make some nice treat for myself, that sounds so good. Hmmm, not surprising that DIL is not a good nurse, lol. I hope grandson is better now. How are the girls doing? Ready for some sun like the rest of us?

    PPQ, wow, that's crazy weather! Hard to stay well when the temps are swinging like that - good luck. Hope some card playing is in your future!

    Pauly, is your sleep any better? You are in high spring now in Vegas, right? Lav's progesterone oil sounds interesting, maybe a good thing?

    Hello to busy Det and Sam, hoping all is well. I am still working wacky hours with my wacky client, but I really adore her... still so full of life, at 76... she's getting ready to sell her house, but first is off to Brazil for 2 months on a Fulbright Grant. Sheesh! A good model for staying active. (I am actually bringing her food though, as she forgets to eat!) life is interesting.

    Wishing all a great day - the light is strengthening!

  9. #19
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    Re: 16th Feb

    hiya all...well its 1958....hrs not years....the internet here has been getting updated again today...just how many updates one can have is beyond belief..now if I was paranoid ...Iwould suggest that big brother is harvesting information .I watched a programme n telly the other night...and the thinking is that the firm for every 100 purchases you make ...the will have over 5000 pieces of info on you ..how many times have you looked at something..and then lo and behold you get swamped on the internet with adverts about the same.

    very cold over here today ,and blowyI usually put a bungee round the outside of the hutch to keep the cover down ...not so ...one of them chewed through it ..did a bit more in the garden ,my roses need to go out but its far too cold .The small camelia is flowering now and my daffodils are up.

    hope everyone is ok ..Ill put some jokes up .

    I sleep better naked. I just wish the passengers on this bus were a bit more understanding.

    It's a little known fact that the Last of the Mohicans reinvented himself as a Scotsman.
    He became known as Hawkeye the New.

    The inventor of cut, copy and paste has died, The inventor of cut, copy and paste has died,The inventor of cut, copy and paste has died,The inventor of cut, copy and paste has died,

    After years of studying obituaries,

    I have concluded that no one ill-tempered or unimportant ever dies.

    Police in Florida are investigating the gruesome discovery of several jars full of human tongues in a doctor's basement.

    I'm just left wondering; who the fck grassed him up?

    The new, plastic £20 note is released today.
    Unfortunately, due to Brexit, most of us will never get to see that much money in 1 place.

    My bedroom now has a stained glass window.

    A sparrow has just flown into it.

    I got beat in the final of a cake making competition by a 70s soul singer ' she was anita baker

    Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
    Should have put it on aloha setting

    A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”
    I think it was Farmer Geddon.

    How to work out your obnoxious name…


    Take your first name and replace it with Piers.
    Now take your surname and replace it with Morgan.


    Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental!!!!
    No one treats me like a mug.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

  10. #20
    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: 16th Feb

    MAE ALL...

    Pauly...I'm supposed to get the oil changed every 6 months to maintain the warranty. Today's visit was my last freebee. Instead of a 6 month next oil change sticker it was for 1 year. What's up with that! Now that it's not free I only have to do it once a year? Maybe the warranty's up, it's been 5 years now. I'll have to check my paperwork. Hope you didn't catch any germs from the boys.

    TG...you are such a good person, looking after your client that way. I'm sure she appreciates it. Free trip to Brazil, nice. Hope I'm as active as her when I get that old. Was able to enjoy an afternoon of cards yesterday so got my fix in.

    Mick...wish your weather would smarten up for you. 1958, now exactly what time is that. Do you use Google to search the internet? You got to be careful what you look up because you're right you'll be flooded with ads on the subject. Met with 2 of my community garden members today. They want to raise all the in-ground plots to raised ones. We went through the logistics and it's going to cost us about $4K but it will be worth it. Just got to get out of digging out the existing beds. LOL

    Lav...can't believe I beat you to the thread today. You're probably posting right now. Hope you had a good day.

    It's hamburgers tonight so I have to get started on the patty's. Have good night all....PPQP

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