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Thread: 10 Jan ..

  1. #1
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    4th July, 2012.
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    10 Jan ..

    just back been out for a walk, pouring with rain soaked but hey who cares it was good .hope everyone ok .off for a shower

    Never get into a fight with a toothless man.

    They've got nothing to lose.

    Arnold Schwarzenegger as declared Donald Trump the 'worst president ever'

    So speaks Hollywood's 'best ever actor'

    The republican elephant is packing Trump's trunk, and they're saying goodbye to his circus.
    So off the brat goes with a stompity stomp.
    Trump, Trump, Trump

    What do I have in common with the President of the United States?
    We both don't have a twitter account.

    John the Chicken Farmer
    John was in the fertilized egg business.

    He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

    He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

    Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

    When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

    He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a Democrat in the making. Who else but a Democrat could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

    10 Men Only Housekeeping Rules
    It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

    Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

    Never make fried chicken in the nude.

    Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

    You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

    If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

    My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

    Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

    When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

    The guest had heard the strains of classical music but when he entered the drawing room he was amazed to see a large tomcat playing the piano.

    "And there is no sheet music," he noted with further astonishment.

    "No," said the proud owner. "Thomas writes and memorizes his own music and the piece he is playing now is one of my favourites."

    "You should have him orchestrated," said the guest.

    Thomas the tomcat leapt out of the window and has never been seen since.

    How to get out of a mental hospital
    A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

    When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place." Obviously, his release was denied.

    Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place". Again, he was turned down.

    Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."

    So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.

    So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.

    He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."

    "Good," they said, and then what?"

    He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."

    They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what"?

    "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."

    "Yes?, they said excitedly.

    "Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.

    The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"

    He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!

    18 Funny eBay Feedbacks

    NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

    NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

    NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

    NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

    POSITIVE: I don't really remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great!

    POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the "Rolex". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

    NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bahts via Eastern Union Moneygram.

    POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

    NEGATIVE: The dog won't hunt.

    NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it's a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

    NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

    POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I've ever bought. Allah Akbar!

    NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

    POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio... was that you?

    POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

    NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I'd hoped.

    POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

    NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair
    Last edited by Mick; January 10th, 2021 at 12:08 PM.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then proudly marching into year 5..done that bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one he casually strolls into numero 7


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  3. #2
    Registered User. Samstone's Avatar

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    10th January, 2013.
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    Re: 10 Jan ..

    afternoon folks,
    Mick thanks for the start off and chuckles, lord knows we need some.
    Liberated 5/11/2013

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    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: 10 Jan ..

    Greetings all,

    ĎThous shalt not weigh more than thy refrigeratorí - I think iím safe.
    Mick, sounds like you had a good day!!

    Sam, hello to you & I hope you are well.

    Spent more time out in the sun & fresh air today so now I feel more human. I helped get the chicken yard covered (mostly) & they seemed happy with the results, much more relaxed. If anyone wants a little target practice we have a slew of chicken eating hawks around here. Iíll pay your fines if you get caught
    I hear thereís no rain until maybe Friday night, thatís cool.

    Hello to PQ, Cyn, Pauly, Det & Pie. Check in when you can kids

    Have a nice night everyone!
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

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    Registered User. treegirl's Avatar

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    Re: 10 Jan ..

    Mae all - thanks for the startup, Mick. Your rambles sounds good... hope the hot shower thawed you put...

    Lav, looks like snow for us late next week... those hawks like easy pickings... glad you have given them a run for the money.

    Sam, it is really good to laugh, right? Stay well.

    PPQ, sending good thoughts and wishes. Pauly, hope all,is well. Det, good luck!

    Hello to all - hang in there...

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  9. #5
    Registered User. Samstone's Avatar

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    10th January, 2013.
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    Re: 10 Jan ..

    morning all,
    a chilly one to start. Been in a kind of shock due to !/6. Not surprised but quite saddened. Anyone who didn't see this coming hasn't been paying attention to the last 4 years. There seems to be so much anger and I'm not sure why, other than propaganda.

    any way, working with my old business partner today. We've been working some together. Been fun. Right now I'm pretty far behind in jobs. And winter time is the time to get these mountain jobs out of the way!

    Hope everyone is well.
    Liberated 5/11/2013

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  11. #6
    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    Re: 10 Jan ..

    Hello everyone and how are we today hope everyone is doing well I am doing this on my phone at the moment as no doubt you will be able to tell , I am in the loft sorting out my trains guess what I dropped one of them... Hopefully I can repair it so that's my next job. I just cleaned all the tracks they were absolutely covered in muck. Just found out from Amy her boyfriend is positive for the virus....she is neg at the momentl apparently he's pretty poorly but not at hospital stage yet fingers crossed it doesn't reach that 1. I will fill it up some more later on but just thought I'd say hello. Stay safe everybody in this crazy crazy world

    If Donald Trump is impeached, does that mean he will no longer be orange?

    "Hello librarian, have you got any books on---"



    A book just fell on my head.
    I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

    I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda yesterday.
    It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

    I walked into a bar the other night and bought a drink. As I was leaving the bar, a bowl of nuts said "Ohh..nice your hair". "Well", I thought, "that's odd!" So I walked to the cigarette machine and it starts shouting..."Oi...f@#k off you dickhead! I'll smash your face in!"

    I went back to the bar to ask the bar tender what was going on and he said "Oh, sorry sir.... the nuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine's out of order."

    My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.
    I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

    I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes.

    Q: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" asked my mate.
    A: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" I replied.

    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    PMS jokes aren't funny — period.

    We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

    Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left and, at a "7-11" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

    She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read yor Bibles"!

    I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

    She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, "Here you go - it says, "The Three Wise Men came from afar"!!!

    A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I got a problem. My stomach is killing me"!

    "The doctor says, "Well, let's start with your diet. What kind of food do you eat"?

    Man says, "I eat snooker balls." "Snooker Balls?" the Doc asks "What do you mean you eat snooker balls"?

    The man replies, "I eat the red ones for breakfast. I eat the white and black ones for lunch. I eat the blue and yellow ones for dinner".

    The doctor ponders this and nods his head saying, "Mmm-hmm, yes, I see. Well I think I know what your problem is".

    The man says, "Really"?

    "Yep" says the doctor, "Not enough greens"!
    Last edited by Mick; January 11th, 2021 at 05:39 PM.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then proudly marching into year 5..done that bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one he casually strolls into numero 7


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  13. #7
    Registered User. Determinator's Avatar

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    Re: 10 Jan ..

    Top of the Monday ABeroooos!

    Mick, I hope the train crash wasn't too bad.

    a fine weekend of boxing/organizing etc which is coming along pretty well. got folks coming over to buy furniture
    again today so it's hard to make plans but that's just all in the fun of moving.
    work is mighty slow but considering all of this it's just as well.

    anyhoo, just a quick 'heyo' and back to the excitement

    be well loves!
    Last edited by Determinator; January 11th, 2021 at 12:12 PM.
    nosce te ipsum
    (Know Thyself)

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    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: 10 Jan ..

    MAE ALL...

    Mick...walking in the rain, I believe there's a song about that. So you've caused your own train wreck. Is that a make work project thing? Hope you can fix it. Sorry to hear Amy's boyfriend has tested positive and that he's doing poorly. How is Amy doing? Did she get the test too? You and your family are in my thoughts.

    Sam...we're still experiencing warm weather here but apparently that's going to change. Reality time. It's nice that you've been able to hook up with your business partner and get some of your backlog finished. Hope the weather holds up for you.

    TG...hope you're able to have some down time this week.

    Lav...getting outside does make you feel better doesn't it. I was in a bit of a funk yesterday and ended up not doing much. First thing this morning I headed out for a walk to start the day off right. Trying to work through the changes the boss wants to childcare registration, just waiting on responses. I'm glad the chickens seem calmer with the canopies you put up. Wish I could pop down for some target practice. LOL must be really challenging to pack up and prepare to move with all the covid restrictions in place. Sounds like you're handling it well, good job.

    There appears to be a response to my latest email so I guess it's time to get back to work. Shout out to the rest of the gang, have a good day....PPQP

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    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: 10 Jan ..

    Good evening Abbers near & far

    Decent sunny day here, mid 40’s. I can’t believe it’s snowing in Texas & Louisiana, what’s up with that?
    No predators issues today, thank the universe. I can only take so much of that sh*t, haha!

    Cyn, I imagine we will get snow again at some point, the question is when?
    Hope your day was lass hectic than usual

    Sam, hope you get caught up with your mountain jobs before the snow arrives!!! Glad you get to spend some time with your friend.

    Det, moving is so crazy but it sounds like you have things under control. Good for you & good luck!!

    Mick, I’ve had a few moments in my life where i felt like a tran wreck myself, Lol. Hope you can get it fixed easy enough.
    Covid is getting into every nook & cranny, sorry to hear about Amy’s BF. I heard this weekend that my niece & her husband both have it & they have 3 little kids in the house. I can’t wait until we are clear of this menace.

    PQ, yep, I try to spend at least a few minutes outside every day or I just don’t feel right. Kind of like the chickens when they’re cooped up I guess.
    I hope your work week goes well.

    Pauly, what’s up with you?

    Well, I should go do something useful, maybe not, haha!
    Have a good night all!

    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

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  19. #10
    Registered User. treegirl's Avatar

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    Re: 10 Jan ..

    Evening, all...

    I am doing my best to be proactive, work ahead of the curve I know is coming. That at least is giving me a tiny sense of control over my life, which honestly I had just completely lost... no wonder I was despondent and cranky. Better today, feel more like my own boss.

    Mick, yikes, so sorry about Am and her boyfriend... crossing fingers and toes that she escapes it. Thanks for the jokes again... my fav is the nuts and the cigarette machine. (Which reminds me that I haven't seen one of these for a long time!)

    Pauly, what's doin'? Sam sounds like you have plenty of work for the winter... might be a good thing.

    PPQ, maybe it's OK to be working a little? It's all about balance, right?

    Lav, glad the canopies are working out. I've decided that I am going to make some kind of circular path in the backyard here (large) to be my walking meditation... my body doesn't do well with asphalt, and the streets are aren't overly charming... but I heard that a circular walk is healing. It look's like snow here for the end of the week...

    (old-timers, remember that I used to be fascinated by Labyrinths? Hoping to get that vibe into my outside time...)

    Det, you keep going! Sounds like you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...

    Stay strong! Be well!

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