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Thread: 14 Mar

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    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    14 Mar

    hi all ...just thought Id start the thread ...pouring with rain and I mean pouring....Im making tea ,Julie has gone to lay flowers for mothers day .so its a quick hullo fae me

    hope we are all good today

    An asteroid is set to pass the Earth at only one and a quarter million miles away.
    Still nearer than where the binmen leave my bins.

    I really think Pierce Morgan should reconsider his position on quitting Good Morning Britain.
    It’s completely insensitive when people are losing their jobs left right and centre during this pandemic and some jumped up millionaire quits his job because of a little argument with a colleague.

    Plus the guy he was arguing with was a weatherman and we all know those guys are always wrong.

    I had the vaccine today...only side effect so far ...

    I'm hanging upside down

    Did you hear about the painter called Harry?

    He was very renowned for making a dime wherever he could, he would often thin the paint down to make it go a tiny bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. As luck would happen, a church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches. Harry put in a bid and he got the job because of his low very tender.

    So he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, buying the paint and yes, true to form he once again thinned down his paint with the turpentine.

    Well, Harry was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder and the sky opened pouring rain down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and Harry fell off the scaffold and landed on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

    Harry was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh God! Please forgive me! What can I do"?

    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more"!

    I was booked to fly to Germany to see my husband who is serving in the Army.

    When I checked in at the airpor the ticket agent asked me the standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself"?

    I told him my mother-in-law had given me a parcel for her son.

    He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you"?

    The Government have issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

    They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

    Shovel
    Blankets or sleeping bag
    Extra clothing including hat and gloves
    24 hours worth of food
    De-Icer
    Rock Salt
    Tyre Chains
    Torch or lantern with spare batteries
    Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
    Empty Petrol Can
    First Aid Kit
    Jump Leads

    I took all their advice and I looked a right plonker on the bus this morning !!!!!!

    The Profound Logic of Children



    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    Alan, age 10

    No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    Kirsten, age 10


    WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    Twenty-three is the best age because you have known the person FOREVER by then.
    Camille, age 10

    No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
    Freddie, age 6


    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    Derrick, age 8


    WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
    Both don't want any more kids.
    Lori, age 8


    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    Lynnette, age 8

    On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    Martin, age 10


    WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
    I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
    Craig, age 9


    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
    When they're rich.
    Pam, age 7

    The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    Curt, age 7

    The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    Howard, age 8


    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
    Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    Anita, age 9


    HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    Kelvin, age 8


    And the #1 Favorite is........"

    HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
    Ricky, age 10
    Last edited by Mick; March 14th, 2021 at 01:59 PM.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

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    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: 14 Mar

    Good evening & Happy Daylight Savings, haha!!!

    Hey, it’s after 6:30 pm & it’s still light out, yay!!
    Very windy here & apparently too dry in some areas as there are wildfires burning in the area & in NJ. Not good
    Nothing special going on here, spent the day putzing around, baked some chicken, made a pasta salad, etc.

    Mick, thanks for the new thread & Happy Mother’s day to you & Julie. We do that celebration in May over here.
    No rain here for us this weekend, I guess you’re hogging it all to yourself, haha.

    Hello to the rest of the group & wishing everyone a nice night!
    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

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    Registered User. treegirl's Avatar

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    Re: 14 Mar

    Mae all -

    Thanks for the startup, Mick. It is "blowing a hoolie" out there tonight... the lights in the house have flickered a few times, so we'll see... hoping to get through the night with the heat still on... Happy Mother's Day to your family...

    Lav, fires? Here in the east??! Oh goodness, I hope they get it all under control. With the wind we're having here tonight, a fire would be devasting... I live right on the edge of a huge wooded area... I guess when I think about it, you're right, not too much rain lately. Crazy weather... I'm glad that I'm not in Colorado for the snow.

    Det, is the snow reaching you? Hope things are well.

    Pauly, how is life feeling to you now? PPQ? You must be busy working. Pie - happy Pi day...

    Wishing all well...
    Last edited by treegirl; March 14th, 2021 at 08:46 PM.

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    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: 14 Mar

    MAE ALL...

    Mick...thanks for starting the thread this week. I hope your weather is better today.

    Lav...it was very windy here yesterday but things seem calm at the moment. Just got an alert on my phone that snow is supposed to start around 10am. Do I really believe that? We shall see.

    TG...yup, it's been crazy busy here for me. Just wanted to check in before my day evolves.

    Shout out to the rest of the gang. Have a good one....PPQP

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    Registered User. Mick's Avatar

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    Re: 14 Mar

    hiya all how are we then? hope all is well .strangely enough it has been SUNNY.. here today ..that right sun ...and I had a look through a telescepoke and couldnt see any made in Pennsylvania marks..so yup we will have it today! Window ledge in the bedroom finished ..its come up good ...more brownie points pour moi.2locos came today ...hmmm not happy with them so they are going back to get re-worked. These things aren't cheap to say aw forget it .I saw Bonnie jump a fence in the garden today ..43 inches ..she then jumped into the apple trees in their tubs and had the bark off them.
    hiya teegee...how are you today? feeling positive?or more positive ?has the hoolie blown out yet ? ours has...you take care .

    hiya ppqp ...you ok? you still krazee bizzy? Julie went back to work today...think they are getting ready to bring all the shielding staff back to work soon .how are you coping? ok..

    hiya Lav ...hows you then?all good I hope .the other doctor phoned Julie today ...bin the ramipril? meds ..thats one less med ..Ineed to start thinking of taking the motorhome for a service...hopefully the sites will open up on 12th April ...any word of vaccine yet

    hello everyone else hope things are good with you all ...stay safe be safe

    When I first joined The Flat Earth Society it had a small membership.
    I never imagined it would become a global movement.

    Letter from the Husband Leaving his Wife and her Reply
    Dear wife:

    I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me oryou don’t love me anymore; whatever! the case, I’m gone.

    Your EX-Husband
    P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

    Dear Ex-Husband

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
    I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.

    So take care.

    Signed,
    Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

    P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

    I hope that’s not a problem.

    The New Recruit

    The Chief noticed a new seaman one day.... and barked at him, "Get over here!" "What is your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.

    "Paul," the new guy replied.

    The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only: Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?"

    "Aye, aye, Chief!"

    "Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

    The new guy sighed.... and said, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief!"

    "Okay.............. Paul,........ here's what I want you to do...

    During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

    The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

    When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

    Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

    The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

    Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.

    Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

    One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.

    While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only...... cheap Sioux veneers


    A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

    "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

    "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

    The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

    The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

    After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

    "They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

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    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: 14 Mar

    Good evening friends,

    Just dropped the car off for it’s 8 am service appointment. I feel naked without my car in the garage, haha!
    Had mostly sun today but did share some with Mick

    Cyn, yep there was a large fire yesterday in NJ just north of the shore points. They did a great job containing it, no houses burned, no injuries. I know our local fire company was called out a few times for smaller fires yesterday as well. Hope you kept your power on - it’s important!

    PQ, glad you are OK. Don’t forget to take some breathing breaks during the day

    Mick, your bunny sounds like a gold medal winner for high jumps, haha!! Must be a spring thing with the animals.
    Hope you got a chance to enjoy some of that sunshine I sent over

    Hello Det, Pauly, Sam & Pie.

    Have a good night all, time to put the chickens to bed.
    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

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    Re: 14 Mar

    Mae all -

    Just a quick pop in to say that I must work work work in the next days to get all accomplished that I can, so sorry if I will not be here so much just for a few days. I am doing okay... just a lot to get out of this house into a new place, soft things for storage, mail many boxes off,
    buy a different car... you know, the usual.

    I believe that o saw a baby eagle in a treetop this morning. It was being harried by some crows and starlings, so I was afraid it was injured... looked on and off at it through the binocs, but couldn't tell much except that it seemed dazed or frightened. I was just about to call the Audobon Society (close by) and as I looked away, it must have flown off. Good journeys, I said to it in my mind.

    I then looked up eagles as signs, symbols, totems: higher perspective, stamina, push further, reach higher, believe you are capable, rise above new challenges. Well, OK, got the message. Onward. And Mick, one thing I read was that (just like native Americans) even the eagle feathers are sacred - the highland chieftains allegedly wore 3 feathers in their caps to show their status...

    Be well all, and I will drop in when I can...
    to the light...

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    Re: 14 Mar

    hiya all how are we then? hope all is well ..firstly thanks for the sunshine another lovely day...some of you will have seen the video I sent to you on messenger of Bonnie jumping that fence..it gets worse ..I put meshing around it all and she still got in ...how I know not but she did ..I am going to have to rethink the garden ....my original idea was to lawn that bit ..hence thereason it has been left ,and put thetubs of trees down it ..that isnt practicable ...from being in one of those tubs she could easily clear the fence into next door ..so ideas on a postcard please ...blind came for the bathroom so thats tomorrows job .trains sent back to get reworked ..

    hiya teegee ....glad you are in busy mode...I love birds of prey ,when I retired I was a volunteer in a bop rescue centre ,,,got the chance to work with some beauties .Unfortunately they moved premises so it was a bit too far.Yes 3 feathers in the bonnet was worn by the highland chieftains ..and the Prince of Wales motto includes 3 feathers..It is also interesting how many British regiments wore either plumes feathers or a cockade in their hats Ive still got mine!some 40 odd years on
    take care stay safe .

    hiya Lav thanks for the sun ....lovely..did you get the car back?and the saga of the Astra Zeneca covid continues ...the European Union is trying to cover up its political faux pas by coming up with this new one about the blood clots..it is wrong to try and politicalise health and well being issues havd a good day ...in the sun?

    hiya everyone else hope you are good ....

    Cressida Dick Chief Of The Metropolitan Police.
    Helen Balls is her deputy.
    this stuff just writes itself.

    Missing your teenage son now he's flown flown the coup?

    Get a cat, that too will ignore you, smash things and bring birds home in various states at all times of the day and night.

    'The last year for theatre has been hell.'

    Aren't you being a little dramatic?

    Undercover police officers will patrol bars and nightclubs around the country as part of plans to protect women from predatory offenders.

    Like, police officers.

    A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

    Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
    A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

    Q. Officer, who provided this description?
    A. The officer who responded to the scene.

    Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
    A. Yes sir, with my life.

    Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
    A. Yes sir, we do.

    Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
    A. Yes sir, I do.

    Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
    A. Yes sir.

    Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
    A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

    Author: Unknown

    The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all of humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.


    Dear Reyer School:

    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

    My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. So then she asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fck you.

    Sincerely,


    Edna Johnston


    Snappy Answers
    Snappy Answer # 1
    A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


    Snappy Answer #2
    A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're dead."


    Snappy Answer #3
    The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

    Snappy Answer #4
    A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
    stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."


    and finally #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
    A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I
    won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
    a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
    immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arse
    bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say
    if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
    The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored,
    the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
    "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
    af since the fourth of July 2012...howzat then America..now proudly marching into year 5..done that one..now bimbling into year 6..tick ..done that one too..as he casually strolls into numero 7


    CHILDHOOD IS LIKE BEING DRUNK.EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID,EXCEPT YOU.

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    Forum Subscriber. Lavande's Avatar

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    Re: 14 Mar

    Good evening Abbers,

    Love the old ladies & their radios Mick
    Mostly cloudy & chilly here, had a light rain shower this afternoon. Bigrain predicted for tomorrow I believe.
    Yes, got my car back, inspection & oil change done, emissions test done & air filters changed & tires rotated too, woo hoo!! I’m good to go if only I had somewhere to go haha!!
    Glad you’re getting some sunny days, it was your turn. Maybe you could install some plexiglass or something slippery at the top of your fence that would prevent bunny escapes.

    Cyn, you really could use an assistant, wish I could lend a hand. I hope everything goes well for you.
    We have eagles nesting nearby & it’s always exciting to see them. I still have a whole squad of cardinals hanging around the bird feeder on my deck, they make me happy too.

    Hellos to PQ, Pauly, Det, Sam & Pie. Hope you are all well!

    I stayed up until midnight last night trying to see if vaccine appointments become available as some have told me but still no luck. It’s pretty insane, really.
    Have a good night all!

    Lav
    AF since 03/26/09
    NF since 05/19/09
    Success comes one day at a time

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    Registered User. porqoui's Avatar

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    Re: 14 Mar

    MAE ALL...

    Was into work today and it turned out to be very frustrating. Got a lot on my plate at the moment, garden agm is on thursday and need to confirm with people who didn't renew their garden plots that they are not coming back. I can not give out a garden plot to a new gardener without making sure the original owner isn't coming back. What a disaster that would be. Trying to set up the new school terms so we can open registration on April 6th and between teaching the new assistant director how to do it and trying to appease the director has me shaking my head. We shall see what tomorrow brings when the accountant gets involved to finalize invoicing. Yikes!

    Sorry for not following up with you individually but things are a bit crazy right now. Hope you all have a good night....:smiel:PPQP

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