Living Fully

[JanCan]

I would just like to point out that this is an area labeled "Monthly Moderation", so I would assume people reading and posting here are interested in that. There is also an area called "Montly Abstinence", and I would assume those who desire that would read and post there. To me it would be ridiculous to not be able to express the desire to moderate in an area that is intended for just that. Just my two cents...

[frances]

Hi Blue - I am mostly not drinking at all. And so I usually come on here and read, and I post just every once in awhile. Most moderation attempts start with a period of AF - usually 30 days is what I've seen recommended, although for me personally, that wasn't enough to then successfully moderate - I needed a longer time abstinent before I could break my habit of daily drinking. Do you have any interest in trying to be AF for awhile before you try to moderate? It might help you be more successful. Also, setting goals is very helpful, and also having strategies for how you will avoid drinking when certain situations come up.

I don't know what happened with the mod squad - there weren't many folks posting there but it definitely was more active and then just seemed to die. I know one person decided moderating wasn't working for her - she was drinking way more than she wanted to - and so she is now not drinking at all. Moderating is very difficult. For many people, it is just simply easier to take the choice off of the table. There aren't many here who post regularly who are moderating - I think Stevo is here and guapo (?) and it looks like JanCan -but I don't know everyone well enough to say other than from what's been posted. Maybe more of the successful moderators are on the medications area?

Anyway - I think you should feel free to post on the moderators section about trying to moderate...that is definitely what this area is for! If you wanted to start your own thread you could do that too...it would be interesting to see if anyone contributes. It's definitely very quiet over here!

[frances]

Hey Kensho - you out there? Hope you are doing ok!

[KENSHO]

I'm here. So very stressed with work. Not drinking - but I won't say I haven't thought about it. The more I go through this process, the more I come to the conclusion that I really don't like drinking. I thought I'd be happy being able to have a little. But all I can say is that I never felt happier than when I was having none. I am not drinking daily, and I am not binging - but I do not like "the open door to be able to moderate". I don't think anyone would tell me I have a problem with alcohol with the small quantity I'm consuming - but it's a problem to ME that it is something I think about and wonder about and try to make fit in my life. Yes, true moderators don't think about it; I do. Almost done with it.

[KENSHO]

I'm working late tonight and feeling pissed off. Why is alcohol an issue in my life? Why can't I just live like normal people? It's so hard to label myself a problem drinker when the only one who views it as a problem is me. I think part of why I haven't wanted to leave alcohol behind completely is because I feel such a rift between me and my husband. When I don't drink, I feel like I'm moving forward while he stays stuck. And we already seem on different pages. Anyone have advice for that?

[frances]

Hi Kensho - I know how you feel - I hate that I am not a normal drinker. Two nights ago I really felt a 'pull'. Last night was OK and tonight there I was again feeling a pull. Both times I did not drink, but now I'm irritated because things had been going really well without much thinking about it but now I am and so I will just be strong and reevaluate things since I'm not sure I like the stinking thinking.

About your husband - when I first quit drinking I was irritated and disappointed when my husband drank and I think I felt a little bit like you do now. After time that has changed - this is about me, not him. I don't know your personal situation though. I wonder if you could talk honestly with him about how you feel. Also - are there things you could do together that's new and does not involve drinking? Maybe that would help. Since this section of MWO is so 'slow' you might want to consider starting another thread maybe under general discussion to see if others might have other thoughts to share.

Glad to see you back!

[KENSHO]

I know this the "moderation" section, but I'm going to go head and post my current thoughts...

1. I'm not happy moderating - I thought I would be
2. I can't do this alone

The above two statements should be all I need to know and live by - but I still really, really want to be able to have that 30 day glass of wine. I don't want to be different and I don't want to label myself an alcoholic.*I want to be a part of the crowd. This is the biggest hurdle for me. I was REALLY happy having one glass of wine with a dinner every 3-4 weeks - but I have not maintained that. Once the “one” every once in awhile becomes OK, the lines are blurred and more and more becomes OK.

I also struggle with the fact that my husband still drinks, and this takes that connection away between us (though drinking causes me to be more argumentative and irritable - so don’t these things cancel out? Trading for a good and getting a bad = 0). But I feel like not drinking is choosing to evolve - to swim upstream past everyone I know who is still swimming down. This bothers me tremendously because I already don’t feel terribly connected with a lot of people in my life.

The fact is that any problems I have with alcohol are not obvious. Unlike someone who has lost jobs, or lost their license or lost spouses, or who has been regularly seen in public sloshed - NOT having these things makes it harder to convince myself that that door can't be left open, because there is not anyone else on the planet who would tell me I should close it.*

That said, the fact remains that I am not happy drinking more than 1 every 30 days. And I still want to believe I can achieve that. The trouble is that there doesn't seem to be daily support for it - and I'm not sure I can even do it. Leaving alcohol behind seems like the answer but I can't seem to quite get there.

[jane27]

Hi guys, Had a quick thought - what if you guys were to hold a group discussion re defining abstinence based moderation? It sounds like a closer description of what you guys are wanting- and it would be cool if you could come up with a standard of what that means, and to measure yourselves against. Wishing you guys a nice day. xoxox

[frances]

Hi Jane - I think you've come up with a term for what Kensho and I have both been striving for - "abstinence-based moderation". I like that! For me, moderation as I typically see discussed here has involved much more drinking than what I want to do. I like the idea of coming up with a standard for that - I know Kensho was mentioning one drink a month/every 3 weeks or so. Something like that is also where I want to be - not to say that I have to have a drink every 3 weeks or every month but just that it really shouldn't be more than that. (I know, I know, you are probably thinking "if only one, why not none?" - I don't have a good answer for that right now but certainly do keep that in mind pretty regularly).

Kensho what do you think? Any interest in trying to define this more clearly so we can track against that goal?

My real goal, which hasn't existed in moderation forums that I have seen, is to get to a place where I don't think about it. I have it or I don't have it, no big deal. I have been feeling really good about being very close to that except for recently, after vacation with a string of consecutive days that seemed to quickly get my brain going to a bad place. But I don't think I should ever get away from tracking because it will help me identify potential issues earlier, at least I hope it will.

[All done drinking]

I don't know what happened with the mod squad - there weren't many folks posting there but it definitely was more active and then just seemed to die. I know one person decided moderating wasn't working for her - she was drinking way more than she wanted to - and so she is now not drinking at all. Moderating is very difficult. frances

frances,

I am not sure you if you were referring to me as the former moderator who was drinking way more than I wanted to. If you did mean me, I wanted to clarify my situation (as this is the scary part about believing in moderation). I maintained a mod lifestyle here for 7 years with fairly good results. I usually kept to 1-4 or 5 drinks per week with the exception of going over my desired amount about one time a month. Often that meant only having 3 and a slight hangover or maybe worse with 4 or 5 (bought a bottle of wine to only have two and ended up drinking the whole bottle). However, there were times (about once a year) where the one night I blew it was BAD! Totally made a fool of myself in front of my teen son and his friends one time with getting into an argument with him and slurring my speech. Took another son out to dinner one night (hubby and an employee were along) and the waiter (a friend) kept the wine free flowing and I had to have help walking to the car. Why I am sharing this is because when we come here knowing we have drinking problems, the "shut off valve" malfunctions for us. I've shared this on other threads but when it works sometimes and not others, and I never knew when it would work and when it wouldn't, it becomes a scary thing of "what will happen the next time I unintentionally go over?"

If everyone moderating here can say they NEVER have a night of drinking more than intended because they can 100% control their drinking, then maybe moderating can work for them. I was always a big proponent in believing in it and more than anything, I know that people won't quit until they are ready. So, I always looked at moderating as taking steps in the right direction. Harm reduction for sure. But if there are episodes where folks are sneaking, hiding, going over their intended limit, having consequences (like angry spouses or children) etc. then they need to step back and take a good honest look at themselves. The frightening part for me was the times I could control it gave me the false security that I could always control it and I couldn't. Best line I heard recently was by Byrdie who stated "when I gave up my wishbone and developed a backbone I got the job done." It was finally time for me personally to give up the wishbone because I really, really wished I could be a normal drinker as we all do who find this place.

Best luck to everyone and may we all figure out what our way out is. Mine just ended up having a different ending than I expected but I'm good.

Hugs to all Eve11 (now All done drinking)/Addy