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Thread: So afraid

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    Registered User. madonmehndi's Avatar

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    Unhappy So afraid

    My hubby has just gone to visit his mum, I told him he can tell her about my alcoholism as I know he desperately needs to talk it through with someone but now I am terrified she is going to talk him into leaving me, she is very religious and hardly ever drinks and I am worried she will just think he is better off without me (I do get on well with her btw and she does know that i have quit drinking, and how long ago, just not the whole story!)

    I can't stop crying and just needed to tell someone (I am not going to drink though!!)
    Last edited by madonmehndi; January 7th, 2017 at 10:46 AM.
    One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...

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    Hi Madonyou don't know me, but I have been reading your posts, so I thought I would pop in and tell you we are all here for you. Please don't think that your son's visit with your mom will have the worst possible outcome. You will make yourself crazy. I used to do that ALL THE TIME...and many times, the worst outcome never happened. As my sister says, "don't borrow trouble!" Of course, I can't promise you that your mum won't try to convince her son to leave you, but no matter what the outcome, maybe couples therapy/counseling would help you both.

    It was extremely effective when my uncle wanted to leave my aunt after 30 years of her alcoholism. She went to in-patient rehab for 30 days, and couples' counseling was mandatory. He was a HUGE part of her problem with drinking, and through therapy, he was able to own his part in her decline. Happy ending: she has been sober for 8.5 years now and their marriage is better than ever. Have hope, my dear. HUGS COMING YOUR WAY!!!

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    Registered User. madonmehndi's Avatar

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    Thank you, my fears were unfounded for this time, he is home now and didn't tell her!! thats not to say he isn't going to he just said that my son was in the room with her all the time so he couldn't, I know I am guilty of worrying about things that may never happen though and I am so grateful for your kind words Rusty I need to take a huge chill pill!!
    One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...

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    Registered User. treetops's Avatar

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    Maddie - I have also been reading some of your posts and I admire you for making this decision to turn your life around,
    If your Mother-in-law is a Christian then surely she would forgive you and allow you another chance? I know there are many different ways people practise religion but it would seem to me that forgiveness and redemption is one of the most important teachings of the New Testament. Actually re-reading your post, you dont say if she is a Christian so my apologies for making this assumption about her faith.

    As for how your husband is handling this let me share a little of my own story. I quit AL over 4 years ago and after many decades of heavy drinking. I had been with my partner Mr GB for c 20 years. He saw the worst of my drinking and it had driven a wedge between us. But he also wanted me to stop. He was supportive but there was only so much he could do. I had to do the work. During the first year of my quit he also tended to blame all of the problems in our relationship on me, and my drinking. He didn't 'own' any of this. He also transferred the anger and resentment he had been carrying towards his father (an alcoholic) to me - it was obvious that Mr GB blamed his own inadequacies on his drunk father (this was an exaggeration as the family situation was much more complex than that). I also dont see why I had to bear the legacy of the lack of a father figure in Mr GB's childhood, but I did. I think Mr GB feared that our daughter would end up like him with an alcoholic 'absent' mother. I never was that kind of Mum, even when I was drinking.
    Now 4 years later he has mostly stopped harping back to the past. Our relationship is still difficult but thats due to a host of other things and well, no one said it would be a rose garden. But we love each other and we are growing old together. Our daughter is lovely (she is aged 18) and she has also been my biggest supporter. We have a terrific relationship.
    I hope this helps a wee bit - hang on in there and you are doing the right things.
    Last edited by treetops; January 7th, 2017 at 03:09 PM.

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    Forum Subscriber. Byrdlady's Avatar

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    One day at a time. Each day you earn his trust a little more. It takes time, but as long as you stay sober, you will prevent this argument from ever happening again. Hugs dear lady, Byrdie
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    Registered User. madonmehndi's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by mollyka View Post
    Maddie - if you're like I was also your anxiety levels could be off the walls for a few months - its sort of the long term withdrawals I think so something like that could rock you big time - as your sober time increases you will become more confident in every way - it really does just happen but that bit takes a bit longer xxxxx
    Thanks molly, I think you are right, any tiny thing sends me into a blind panic at the moment! I am going to have a go at meditation and see if that will help me
    One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...

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    Registered User. madonmehndi's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by treetops View Post
    Maddie - I have also been reading some of your posts and I admire you for making this decision to turn your life around,
    If your Mother-in-law is a Christian then surely she would forgive you and allow you another chance? I know there are many different ways people practise religion but it would seem to me that forgiveness and redemption is one of the most important teachings of the New Testament. Actually re-reading your post, you dont say if she is a Christian so my apologies for making this assumption about her faith.

    As for how your husband is handling this let me share a little of my own story. I quit AL over 4 years ago and after many decades of heavy drinking. I had been with my partner Mr GB for c 20 years. He saw the worst of my drinking and it had driven a wedge between us. But he also wanted me to stop. He was supportive but there was only so much he could do. I had to do the work. During the first year of my quit he also tended to blame all of the problems in our relationship on me, and my drinking. He didn't 'own' any of this. He also transferred the anger and resentment he had been carrying towards his father (an alcoholic) to me - it was obvious that Mr GB blamed his own inadequacies on his drunk father (this was an exaggeration as the family situation was much more complex than that). I also dont see why I had to bear the legacy of the lack of a father figure in Mr GB's childhood, but I did. I think Mr GB feared that our daughter would end up like him with an alcoholic 'absent' mother. I never was that kind of Mum, even when I was drinking.
    Now 4 years later he has mostly stopped harping back to the past. Our relationship is still difficult but thats due to a host of other things and well, no one said it would be a rose garden. But we love each other and we are growing old together. Our daughter is lovely (she is aged 18) and she has also been my biggest supporter. We have a terrific relationship.
    I hope this helps a wee bit - hang on in there and you are doing the right things.
    Thank you for sharing your story with me treetops, that helps a lot and yes you are right my Mum in law is a Christian and I hadn't thought of that, hopefully she will be able to forgive me and accept it even if she can't understand
    One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...

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    Registered User. madonmehndi's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Byrdlady View Post
    One day at a time. Each day you earn his trust a little more. It takes time, but as long as you stay sober, you will prevent this argument from ever happening again. Hugs dear lady, Byrdie
    Thank you Byrdie, I do hope you are right, I am trying to keep it in the day
    One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering...

  15. #9
    Registered User. Lost Soul's Avatar

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    Hi Madonmehndi, I read through & am really pleased it worked out for the best It's hard telling people about our alcoholism because you don't know how they will react - so I can totally understand your worries! You so did the right thing posting & sharing your fears & congratulations on your sobriety - you are doing so well xx
    To see a world in a grain of sand
    And a heaven in a wildflower.
    Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
    And eternity in an hour.

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