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    1. #21
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      Re: Tail between legs

      Quote Originally Posted by Blindspot View Post
      Thanks Neo - I agree, as soon as you can get back on the horse, do. I hate it when I read of people being sober for years, then crashing intto a 10-year relapse. That's why I want to adress this now so badly. I've had too many lapses, and I dread that I'll never get my "forever" sober.

      Good luck this time my friend
      I think you may have found part of the reason you keep crashing.........because sometime, somehow, you have bought into a BELIEF system that says this might happen.

      Have a think about the period before the first relapse to see if you can track down the source.....it could be as simple as watching a movie or soap where a person in recovery relapsed or a conversation you had or overheard.

      The brain is amazing at adopting new positions, even if to our detriment. This is particularly true if your quit felt obligatory rather than your choice.

      If you cannot track it down don't worry, simply remember that the thought to drink is simply a desire to change mood.

      Try to hold the thought that if you sit with that mood for a while it will shift on its own. In fact it will shift quicker if you simply sink into it.

    2. Thanks Blindspot, Wildflowers thanked for this post
    3. #22
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      Re: Tail between legs

      Thanks kuya,

      That's an interesting perspective. I am well aware of how powerful beliefs can be.

      I know why I started relapsing - I was on a series of trial medications to try to deal with my chronic illness, but they completely messed up my mind and my body. The final one I tried made me feel suicidal. I dropped to 6 stone, despite eating normally, and ended up in hospital with pneumonia and sepsis. I was in intensive care and only just made it through.

      Shortly afterwards, I had many sleepless nights as my cat was ill and I was having to get up and clean up after her at all hours despite trying to recover from the pneumonia, which was still very painful in my back and sides. Then she died, which broke my heart.

      Now I know all these things messed me up, but the blindspots happened after this.

      I looked back at my old journals about getting sober properly. I had always had difficulty with getting past a month, and then three months. It's a remarkably similar pattern to what has been happening now. Yes, my body and brain expect me to relapse at 1 month and 3 months and have sent me cravings to tell me about it.

      So I've actually written my last drink date on my calendar now. I have made it past a month, with some strong cravings. Some were obvious, others I had to sit with mindfully to understand.

      I will be particularly watching myself during these first few months, and making sure that i don't drink, no matter what. After that, I hope my brain will understand that I'm really not drinking anymore and it needn't try to trick or tempt me quite so much.

      It will be nice to get back to that place where cravings and thoughts are fewer and more fleeting. I have a belief that that will happen, as it did before, so, while I will NOT be complacent about it if it doesn't go that way, maybe that's a good belief to have. It gives me something to aim for now, rather than feeling like I've lost the battle and will not conquer the enemy again.

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