It seems like every two weeks

[Tidegirl]

Has any body had this happen? I will feel awesome, so productive but every two weeks I will go down the rabbit hole. It's scary as I will lose 15 pounds during that time. I'm not even drinking much. I think it's that I'm drinking at all. My sister came this week and we have had a poor relationship since my mom passed. My dad is a maniac and he really upsets my 12 year old-- like to the point of extreme anxiety. The Deacon at church said I need to take care of my boy first. But I feel big time guilt about my dad. Guitaristas book was very helpful but not helpful enough I guess. Can anybody give me insight on therapy? I am doing it out patient but this is not working. This may wreck my marriage but I'm wondering if I should throw myself on my sword and go to rehab

[empyr3al]

Interesting. Yes this happens all the time and is a symptom of alcoholism withdrawal long term or possibly Major Despressive Disorder. MDD happens in spurts and well we have messed so much with our brain and physiology that there are consequences. Your boy first, I agree with your deacon. Maybe have your boy for go a friends house while your dad visits?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dielectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). DBT takes a long time but if nothing else is working... Its free here in ontario.

My marriage is wrecked months ago and I only got so far as AA and CBT before I could try to fix it. Then DBT. Now the loneliness is the killer that makes me want to drink. Look up oxytocin if you are curious.

Outpatient worked for me for months and months but I already had done days in like a lock down for rehab. One locked down, one free, which freaked her out and you could do what you wanted (this is where my wife started to cheat I believe) but had to attend class. Interesting she did not trust me when I am the most loyal person. I'm also extremely friendly and outspoken and bond quickly, and she is not like that. So I assume it was threatening because of her fear. I have never cheated. Out P may mean something different, is it daily there or like weekly hour thing? Here it was full 8 hour days for 30 days. Urine tested and got to go home to your family. Was not AA based.

There is a phrase i will never forget from her that hurt badly. "You might not like me when you are sober". She was overweight. I don't f@#$ care. The thing is I liked her no matter what because its rare to meet someone you can pair with, sober or not. So I assume her cheat was fear I would not like her when I was sober. If you know me well that is not the truth. Took me years and years and years to find a wife that I trusted and I am not ugly and I am extremely friendly so most of that is dead and done with. I think it points as if I was fixed; that she should be fixed too, because she had her own problems. Love is not like that for me. Love is life for me especially when married, there is an internal change.

I am by no means fixed but I try all the freaking time and use every therapy known to the world. Medication. Pets, plants, meditation, etc.

I pray you don't lose your marriage because when it happened to me I stayed sober out of hope almost a half year and then went nuts in dispair. I am still in love.

[Guitarista]

Hi Tidegirl.

I had to try everything and throw everything i could think of at my constant compulsion to get numb and escape (a compulsion every day or even every 2 months for me). An escape that was killing me slowly but surely, and robbing me of precious time, relationships, my dreams, and life.

Sounds like you want to give up boozing and thinking about boozing for a living. The desire to stop is essential, and sounds like you've had enough. If Rehab is the last straw, then do it.

[Tidegirl]

I do want to give it up. I'm worried that I can't. I'm masking -- does anybody relate to that?

[empyr3al]

Masking as in hiding or lying? I can relate to both. I am willing to share what I have learned.

[Tidegirl]

Hiding mostly. I don't out right lie but hiding to me is lying. It's a lie by omission.

[Orimus]

At two weeks you're just getting past the initial detox phase and your brain is basically coming back online. It is also after two weeks that one starts to acclimatize to a new habit, new routine. I think of getting through those first two weeks as reaching my next decision point where I needed to have something there, some structure or default back to drinking. This is also the point at which may very well run you up against the reason you escape into alcohol. For me just focusing on not drinking was not enough.

At this time the area of your brain that processes your ability to make decisions has pretty much returned to normal and for me I found that I needed to use that to make a new decision beyond just to not drink. With alcohol we spent so much time on numbing and hiding that I turned my focus to the opposite - to quote Thoreau "... I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." To do so we MUST emerge from hiding and just by making the decision we start to change what we pay attention to in the world around us and that becomes a new guide. And starts to create new beliefs.

I definitely agree with your Deacon. Take care of your son ahead of your concerns for your dad. This does not imply that you should NOT by concerned with your dad, only that he be prioritized AFTER your son. Think of it in terms of who has more resources to fall back on not as an act of abandonment.

This, of course, leads to taking care of your first priority - YOU. I don't think, in the end, that it is helpful to think of inpatient rehab as falling on your sword. What is your reaction to the idea of falling on your sword? Do you think it might be more helpful to think of rehab as an act of bravery to take care of yourself and in the end an act of love towards your family? Do you think that their lives would be better if you work on improving yourself? And if you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else because you are depriving yourself of the resources you need to do so. At an inpatient rehab center you are taking the time to gather the resources that you need, getting the guidance that you need for you.

Why do you think that going to rehab would wreck your marriage? Have you discussed it with your husband?

As always this is just my two cents.

[empyr3al]

Hiding mostly. I don't out right lie but hiding to me is lying. It's a lie by omission.

It's interesting you think of it that way. Remember shame is a huge part of hiding because you are afraid of what others might think. Lying by omission i disagree with, omission is not lying unless you believe you are lying. Hiding something from someone you love can become a very bad habit and scary. Eventually it can become a lie. What you are describing is that by lying by omission is actually honesty. I respect that you want to be honest. Like Orminus asked did you talk to your husband.

Its difficult because once you admit it you are essentially condemned for life by the person you admitted it too and they will hold you in contempt if you slip. For me thats when I started hiding it and it became a lie. I tried open and honest after learning hiding it was guilt and shame. Did not turn out the way it should have but it was an attempt.

If you choose rehab I suggest CBT over AA in my experience. AA is like learning religion which you apparently already have because you mentioned a deacon so you would already understand AA style, so it rehashes shame. So CBT would probably be best in your scenario because its something you don't know yet and can lead a new way of life. My disagreement with AA is simply based on the fact it disempowers you when you are with someone that has not accepted step 1. Be it food, porn, alcohol, etc. It puts you at a disadvantage that can mean you can be abused. But my opinions are skewed so whatever you feel suits you best.

I will say that being away from loved ones in long term rehab makes you a completely different person and the person or people you love might not understand you. If you are allowed visits that might change it. The problem with rehab is that they expect you to be a certain way which is no longer you. Or you are AKA fixed to what they expect of you which is no longer love.

My nickle of advice again, having been through this. Take it just for what it is and disagree all you want.

[empyr3al]

One more comment.

Those who have not suffered or accepted addiction will not understand you. Either that or they have not accepted their addiction yet. What you learn in rehab is insane and I learned to criticize people that had not accepted their addiction. Because really FU for judging me when you haven't accepted that you are an addict. Everyone I know in my life has an addiction or another so its really wierd to see after rehab.

[Tidegirl]

These are very helpful comments. I have talked to my husband but I feel like I am worrying him so much-- his dad has heart issues and his mom Alzheimer's -- they have basically run out of money and expect my husband to bail them out. The situation with my dad is concerning. He won't bathe or take his medications. We pay a caregiver and nurses to help him but he won't follow their direction. Please pray for me if you believe in God.