I don’t know how

[Ayuriana]

I have PTSD. I have had it a long time. I recovered in 2012, went overseas and experienced more and severe trauma. I developed PTSD again in 2017. I had my moments of alcohol but I recovered. In 2018 I thought I had recovered, but I started hallucinating. I won’t go into detail but it was bad and has continued to be bad. Late in 2018 I thought I was dying. I went to the ER, I was so dissociated I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t explain what was happening and eventually lost all sense of where I was. I only know this because I was told. It wasn’t alcohol related. I’ve has every test ever and I’ve been told the hallucinations and severe derealization is ptsd related.
Since the hospital, I’ve had that derealization panic terror several times. I take medication as soon as I feel it but alcohol is what helps. Alcohol is the only thing that numbs it enough that I’m not terrified. And I don’t know what to do because I am a smart woman, and I know it’s also making it worse. I have no idea where to turn. I have not disclosed the alcohol to anyone. I just have no idea.

[paulywogg]

Welcome Aryuriana,that sounds awful and I'm sorry you have to deal with the PTSD have you told your doctor about your severe symptoms? Maybe some new medication or an increase of your current one is needed, therapy maybe? Alcohol in the long run will only make things worse,I don't have much advise but just wanted to say hello and give you a ((hug)) your post touched my heart and I feel for you, hope you stick around

[Ayuriana]

Welcome Aryuriana,that sounds awful and I'm sorry you have to deal with the PTSD have you told your doctor about your severe symptoms? Maybe some new medication or an increase of your current one is needed, therapy maybe? Alcohol in the long run will only make things worse,I don't have much advise but just wanted to say hello and give you a ((hug)) your post touched my heart and I feel for you, hope you stick around

Thanks for your message. My doctors know about all of the symptoms. Most thought it was organic and I’ve been to a neurologist, infectious disease doctor and regular one outside of my psychiatrist, had every test ever and I’m 100% healthy. It is very likely just a severe response to trauma. I’m so sad about that but right now I don’t have any answers. I know alcohol makes it worse, I just don’t know how to stop. It is what makes the terror go away.

[available]

Hi Ayuriana

Welcome and sorry to hear that you are not feeling the best. Al will definitely not make any feelings you have any better but time away from al will definitely help with anxiety issues and maybe the others will fall into place.
Head over to the Newbies Nest and say hello. Maybe you could try to not drink for 30 days and see how you feel. Being accountable helps enormously and we all understand how hard it is to stop drinking. I never thought i could be 5 years sober in a million years but here i am.

[Slo]

Hello Aruiyana,

I understand some of what you are saying as I too tend towards feeling dissociated, and dissociating when I am stressed. Alcohol was the glue that I used to hold myself together, and it worked!...until it didn’t.
I am reading a book now that @NoSugar recommended called “Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction”, and it explains right in there that alcohol reduces anxiety, so its use is thus more reinforcing to those of us who are naturally anxious!
But, then getting addicted to it and therefore having withdrawal symptoms also produces anxiety, so you can see that there’s a catch-22 there. In other words, it ultimately ends up causing anxiety as well.

We are glad to have you here with us as you learn to let go of the crutch of alcohol, as we are all doing.

[4theboyz]

I have PTSD. I have had it a long time. I recovered in 2012, went overseas and experienced more and severe trauma. I developed PTSD again in 2017. I had my moments of alcohol but I recovered. In 2018 I thought I had recovered, but I started hallucinating. I won’t go into detail but it was bad and has continued to be bad. Late in 2018 I thought I was dying. I went to the ER, I was so dissociated I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t explain what was happening and eventually lost all sense of where I was. I only know this because I was told. It wasn’t alcohol related. I’ve has every test ever and I’ve been told the hallucinations and severe derealization is ptsd related.
Since the hospital, I’ve had that derealization panic terror several times. I take medication as soon as I feel it but alcohol is what helps. Alcohol is the only thing that numbs it enough that I’m not terrified. And I don’t know what to do because I am a smart woman, and I know it’s also making it worse. I have no idea where to turn. I have not disclosed the alcohol to anyone. I just have no idea.

If I may...I have had numerous failed attempts at staying sober and last August I entered an outpatient program and sought help from a therapist that specialized in PTSD and received treatment for over 2 months. He introduced me to EMDR therapy that you can recreate on your own as needed. The EMDR was crazy good effective and I am convinced what has enabled me to climb down off the "ledge" stop drinking and now have 227 days sober. Look into EMDR you will be glad you did.