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    1. #1
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      Roadside's Avatar

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      My Traveled Road

      Hello, I am Roadside.

      I am an alcoholic and suffer from immense anxiety and depression. I am stubborn and determined, faithful to a fault and act without thinking a lot of the time.

      When I married, I was an occasional drinker but my spouse was overly engrossed with my drinking. I didn't understand it. He made me feel ashamed about my alcohol consumption but I still had a beer or two, about once a month or every other month; he insulted my family's 'wine choice' one thanksgiving. He talked about the wine he had drank with his previous lovers (Riunite Lambrusco) and apparently those were fond memories but off limits to share with me. He never told me he was trying hard not to drink; he never told me his mother was an alcoholic and an embarrassment to him. He never, ever explained why. There were times when I was humiliated by him; he once poured an entire bottle of wine on me in a stupid fight we had.

      Not until he came home from deployment #1, did he crack open a beer and made it acceptable to drink every once in a while. I don't give a shit about the deployment, that is one big excuse, I have military background and in my opinion, the deployment was not a reason for his beginning to drink. What it was, though, was a trigger. It was a trigger of things old and inevitable redundancy in life kicked in. His new wife (me) was no longer exciting, our new duty station and new home was no longer exciting, he lowered his own standards and started with beer. With beer every weekend. With beer every night.

      So, we move duty stations. New, exciting things, a new routine, new house to personalize, but then things got old, fast. Second deployment, he comes home, immediately, at least five beers a night. I'd get so mad because he'd leave them stacked up by the bedside, half empty and I got tired of cleaning it up. Of course, an old nagging wife does not provide incentive not to drink. "I'm not an alcoholic, beer, that doesn't make me an alcoholic". Well, beer turned into wine, turned into vodka because apparently vodka can't be smelled by most people and can be mixed in with sodas and no one suspects. An encounter with my one year old knocking over the half empty beer cans on the bedside happened right before the breaking point of our marriage.

      But he's still not an alcoholic. However, that is not for me to decide. What was for me to decide was whether it was worth it to stay where I was at, in that toxic environment, raise two kids and survive. So I don't stay in that environment. I get the hell out because I have resources; I have a family to fall back on. I have lots and lots of people back home that are willing to help me with my children.

      I move back home, process as much of the break-up as I can (while I was pregnant, which compounded the emotional turmoil because I was off my meds), come to an understanding that he is a sociopath, an abuser and I would have never won, no matter how many love, years and effort I had put into it. I could not change him, I could not make him want to change. I come to an understanding and am at a place of rational, reasonable communication for the children (although I get angry at my family sometimes when I feel they treat him as an 'old pal', facebooking and messaging him) - once again, that is not for me to control.

      I get through my pregnancy, through the first couple of months, get back on my damn feet because that is what my various mentors have expected of me. I get my own damn house (through HUD) because I refuse to pay rent, answer to anyone about what pets I can have, etc. Mention, I didn't get this house by myself or made it liveable by myself. My family and mentors provided me with resources to get started.

      But after giving birth to my second child, after moving into my own house, the lonely nights followed. I filled them with . . . guess what . . . alcohol! Now I am no perfect person; I have suffered from anxiety my entire life and I swear I was ADHD when I was a kid, it just wasn't diagnosed back then. I was hyper, impulsive, my teachers complained about me, I was in trouble for things I didn't understand . . . My father was anxious and an alcoholic, his father and many cousins were alcoholics. Although alcoholism does not run on my mother's side, depression does. So my cocktail is alcoholism, anxiety and depression all stirred together.

      I think alcohol has long been an elixir for anxiety and quite frankly it does a pretty good job of relieving it, considering all factors: cost, accessibility, effectiveness. The problem with it being used for anxiety is dose control. No one thinks, "I am going to take 2 tbsps at 4 PM because that is when my symptoms start" and "1 tbsp at 10 AM will get me through the tough part of the day. They just take the whole damn bottle and keep on because it feels so good, they are afraid the feel good feeling will diminish.

      So I started consuming alcohol, on a larger scale than 'occasional' say, around October 2012. And the beer turned into wine because it didn't fill me up so much. Then the wine turned into margaritas because I could make them cheaper than wine. And I was embarrassed, ashamed, because this is exactly what my former spouse was - a drinker, an alcoholic. I craved it driving home from work. Then it became no big deal to crack open a beer while still in the car WITH MY KIDS IN THE CAR.

      I don't want to be that person.

      I drink to feel the empty void. I drink to feel good at night rather than being anxious of the day's events or what is expected tomorrow. I drink because I get myself so damn wound up about what I want to be, what I want to have and what I am.

      I have had problems holding steady employment for the past two years and I was recently let go from my temporary sub job. My problems for not keeping employment are not punctuality, integrity or drinking on the job. My problems arise from my inability to PC my thoughts before I open my mouth and perform my actions. I get overwhelmed, wound up so tight because such and such is not perfect and I am trying my damndest to make it perfect, I say things that are true (to me, in my head) but harsh. I exhibit frustration with other people because in my opinion they play the damn game of 'covering their ass' rather than being efficient or productive. Now that I am supporting myself by myself for truly the first time in life, I am finding money truly does make society go round. I could get into any college I wanted, any training program I wanted, do anything and be accepted anywhere I wanted so long as I could pay for it. Now, that I need a job so I can acquire the money necessary to live on, I am all of a sudden unqualified. I don't understand it. I have the education, but it's the wrong type of education. I have the experience, but the experience is to little, too long ago.

      In light of my recent loss(es) (temp job and friend that committed suicide), I am trying very hard to not make excuses to go buy that six pack or four pack (because a four pack is one night's decision; if I bought a twelve pack, that would be three nights' decision and that is a delusional rationale I make to myself; it is only tonight, tomorrow will be AF. 3 out of 5 times the very next night is another four pack.) I don't want to waste my precious money on something that is harmful to myself and my children. I don't want my childrens' memories to be clouded by the neglectful night experienced with mommy. I can change that. I must, there is no other choice. I will put one foot in front of the other, lean forward and march. I just wish I could learn a more charismatic way of marching because my marching is slinging unintended mud. Instead of 'the squeaky wheel' that gets the grease, I am the 'quacking duck' that gets shot. Over and over I quack, I get shot. Tired of getting shot here, but I will still continue to march.

      So tonight I celebrate 5 days AF. I celebrate telling my story in supposedly an appropriate place (Our Personal Journals). I celebrate being here on earth with my two wonderful kids, two wonderful dogs, two wonderful sisters, wonderful mother, uncle, aunts; my wonderful house that has been refinished with love from not only me but all those that kindly spent their time helping. I celebrate the continued life of my chaplain and thank God he is here to provide some type of male role model for me; better late than never. I celebrate my drill tomorrow and my guard community. I celebrate anyone here at MWO that is making improvements; backslides are ok and sometimes necessary. May the Goddess of Mercy, Boddhisatva Svarta be with you. the pain living brings is an acceptable trade for the joy living brings.
      Last edited by Roadside; December 12th, 2014 at 08:01 PM. Reason: typo

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    3. #2
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      Thanks for your post Roadside.

      I think your life experience and insight would be an extremely valuable asset anywhere. Follow your dreams and go for it.

      Congratulations on 5 days AF. That is a huge achievement friend!

      Keep it going. G

      'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

      Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

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    5. #3
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      What a strong, brave, beautiful woman you are. Keep on plodding Road, that is all we alcoholics can do, one step in front of the other, day in and day out. You will stop slinging unintended mud. The road may never be smooth but it will always be interesting with a few potholes along our path.

      Congratulations on 5 days sober.
      AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2018 - 5 years of living life as i should have done all of my life

      Ava is a SHPFFFDU ! (Special, honest, practical, fantastic friend from downunder) - thank you NS

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    7. #4
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      Good on you Roadside....let's get this done!
      IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO BE WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN
      Relapse starts long before the drink is drunk!!.Fresh Start!

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    9. #5
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      So happy you have made this choice! It is so worth it - stick around, read and post, it will be a little bumpy in these early days but you will get by with a plan and support from others.

      Thanks for sharing your story. Your struggles will be there but alcohol would do absolutely nothing to help them and would wind up making things worse. You are doing one of the best things you can do right now!

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    11. #6
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      One week, 7 Days

      Seven days, one week. Despite the depressing dark days of winter (ok, not technically winter yet) I have had little desire to get to the store. I will say, I have had headaches and I don't know if this is withdrawal from AL or consequence of being off a schedule in general.

      I gotta get my doc convinced I don't like my current anxiety/ depression meds. They've lasted for almost 3 years; doc upped dose, assuring I was on the minimum and upping would be no harm but I don't like it. My aunt told me about rotating meds every three or four years, say, group 1 meds lasts about 3 years before body becomes habituated then you gradually transition to group 2 meds, keep them until you feel effects of habituation, then it is time to transition back to group 1 meds. Tried to explain this to my doc's PA and he eloquently discarded this scenario as a 'placebo effect'. Ok, I got it, you were behind schedule and in the moment it was just easier to keep with the comfortable thought process and up the dose. I'll give you one month to mess with it, then I will insist on trying this pharmacist backed rotation theory. I think upping my meds is honestly a reason for my headaches, I don't know.

      Nonetheless, today treated me well and drill went well. Now tomorrow, car off to body shop!

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    13. #7
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      Ten days AF tonight. I don't really know what happened but I have had little desire to drink, compared to my nightly cravings before. Now, it seems like time is flying by, since I am not starting over at one, two, one, one, one . . . I hope this keeps up.

      Was seen by a pretty good doc today (talk therapy). He was sharp, was different, didn't have me take a bunch of paper surveys right away; one hour and he is really banging around the nail. I hope this goes well.

      I am glad to be here and feel good (despite the rainy weather, ugh). What a great way to end the year, sober! I will do it!

    14. Registered User.
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      8-18 Dec 14, 11 days AF. I think I can slow down time by starting my count over. Heh heh, gambling precious life in the hopes to find a wormhole.
      image.jpg
      God, give me the courage for 24 hours.

    15. #9
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      Hi roadside, nice to see you again! I saw your post on the Holistic thread and can understand your feelings about the Nest. I stay out of there now as far as posting goes, but I do read it as there is some very good information there. I go to a couple of other threads now, "Anyone in the first week of their umpteenth quit" and "Ladies on a Mission" (now ladies and gents on a mission) both a bit slower and more personable for me. Maybe you have an idea for a new thread? I'd love to help you out with it if you do!
      Last edited by abcowboy; December 27th, 2014 at 04:16 PM.
      Quitting and staying quit isnít easy, itís learning a whole new way of thinking. Itís accepting a new way of life, and not just accepting it, embracing it...
      Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Just get through today. Tomorrow will look after itself when it becomes today, because today is all we have to think about.
      Friendship is not about how many friends you have or who you've known the longest. It's about who walked into your life, said "I'm here for you", and proved it.

    16. #10
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      Road - the anxiety will lessen as your body and brain detox. I've talked to so many people here on MWO who have GAD. It's a chicken/egg situation. Do we drink because we are anxious, or are we anxious because we drink? I believe the former is true, at least for me, although drinking certainly exacerbates the problem. Unfortunately, I still had anxiety after getting sober. I tried prescription meds, and of course, they work. But, I have found holistic ways that work better. First, you must get sober, and wait for your mind to clear. Then we can work together to help you achieve health. There are some people here who really know a lot about these things. I took their advice, and I no longer suffer from anxiety. Who would have thought that was possible? Not me

      It sounds like you have endured a lot. Your ex sounds like he is troubled, and you are definitely right to get your children out of that situation. You are obviously a strong woman, so I have no doubt you can do this. It's tough. But you are tougher. And we will be standing here by your side every step of the way. Every single step, ok? Take care of yourself. And give us an update. We're here to listen.

      ps - just as an aside - life got so much BETTER when I recently deactivated my Facebook account. What you can't see really can't hurt you. xx

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