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    1. #1
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      The Epiphany that Starts My Journal

      I think I'm on day 3 of being AF, maybe it is day 2-1/2. I've been such a yo-yo AF person for the last couple of years since I discovered the MWO program. I sometime's feel I should have left well enough alone, back when I was fretting and feeling bad about my two glasses of wine a night, thinking I had a drinking problem. It seems like every time I try something, it backfires and my drinking becomes worse. But maybe it just would have become worse anyway. I definitely have learned what my triggers are, but this last time something shifted in me. I have dealt with horrible stressors in my life for years now, and when I just want to scream and slam my head into a wall repeatedly, which I sometimes have done, it's just easier to drink. I can't even cry I'm so angry and bitter and frustrated. But this time, after a couple of days of this sinking realization that the hell I thought was over was not and the accompanying daily bottle of wine had become two bottles of wine on the third day, I just said to myself 'What the fuck is happening here? How did everything go south so fast, and why are you allowing this? You've fought so hard with zero support from an abusive spouse to succeed with your goals, and you are almost there, why are you allowing it to be sabotaged now?"

      It was a harsh, painful moment where I had a choice to make. I could wallow and feel sorry for myself, or celebrate what I have accomplished and fight for the finish line. (That's the PG version. My version was: Fuck this bullshit.)

      I realized there is such a psychology behind drinking, at least there has been for me. And I told myself, it's all a big fat lie. I have not wanted to completely give up alcohol, because I always see the romance of alcohol. In my mind's eye I see the pretty cocktails, the parties and the lovely dresses. I don't want to give that up! But that's a big fat fucking lie! It's not a pretty cocktail, it's a swig from a bottle. It's not a lovely dress, it's a bathrobe wrapped around a waist grown thick from too much alcohol. All the pretty dresses are packed away. I watch these shows on TV now or commercials and I just say in my mind "lie, lie lie."

      I read something in another post, I think it was a response to Rednose just coming back, the person said (I paraphrase) that you may have to accept that you can never drink again. I've NEVER been okay with that until a few days ago. A few days ago I became fed up with my muffin top, my dry skin, my operating at 60%, and most of all, my dependence on someone who is not good for me.

      I'm hoping this journal thing will help me. I'm a writer, and it's been on my mind to start journaling again Not having to do it by hand helps because my hand could use the break.
      Last edited by anchorite; December 24th, 2015 at 08:52 PM.

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    3. #2
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      Quote Originally Posted by anchorite View Post
      I think I'm on day 3 of being AF, maybe it is day 2-1/2. I've been such a yo-yo AF person for the last couple of years since I discovered the MWO program. I sometime's feel I should have left well enough alone, back when I was fretting and feeling bad about my two glasses of wine a night, thinking I had a drinking problem. It seems like every time I try something, it backfires and my drinking becomes worse. But maybe it just would have become worse anyway. I definitely have learned what my triggers are, but this last time something shifted in me. I have dealt with horrible stressors in my life for years now, and when I just want to scream and slam my head into a wall repeatedly, which I sometimes have done, it's just easier to drink. I can't even cry I'm so angry and bitter and frustrated. But this time, after a couple of days of this sinking realization that the hell I thought was over was not and the accompanying daily bottle of wine had become two bottles of wine on the third day, I just said to myself 'What the fuck is happening here? How did everything go south so fast, and why are you allowing this? You've fought so hard with zero support from an abusive spouse to succeed with your goals, and you are almost there, why are you allowing it to be sabotaged now?"

      It was a harsh, painful moment where I had a choice to make. I could wallow and feel sorry for myself, or celebrate what I have accomplished and fight for the finish line. (That's the PG version. My version was: Fuck this bullshit.)

      I realized there is such a psychology behind drinking, at least there has been for me. And I told myself, it's all a big fat lie. I have not wanted to completely give up alcohol, because I always see the romance of alcohol. In my mind's eye I see the pretty cocktails, the parties and the lovely dresses. I don't want to give that up! But that's a big fat fucking lie! It's not a pretty cocktail, it's a swig from a bottle. It's not a lovely dress, it's a bathrobe wrapped around a waist grown thick from too much alcohol. All the pretty dresses are packed away. I watch these shows on TV now or commercials and I just say in my mind "lie, lie lie."

      I read something in another post, I think it was a response to Rednose just coming back, the person said (I paraphrase) that you may have to accept that you can never drink again. I've NEVER been okay with that until a few days ago. A few days ago I became fed up with my muffin top, my dry skin, my operating at 60%, and most of all, my dependence on someone who is not good for me.

      I'm hoping this journal thing will help me. I'm a writer, and it's been on my mind to start journaling again Not having to do it by hand helps because my hand could use the break.
      Hi Anchorite. Thanks for your post. Yep, operating around 60% has been me too and I'm slowly getting it thru my thick head that life is far too short for ripping ourselves off. If the spouse doesn't shape up, I'd be ditching em and taking no prisoners in your quest for a happy healthy life.

      Stick around and let us know how ur doing. G

      'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

      Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

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    5. #3
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      Stick with us, we can help. We are glad you found us. Byrdie
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    7. #4
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      Quote Originally Posted by anchorite View Post
      I realized there is such a psychology behind drinking, at least there has been for me. And I told myself, it's all a big fat lie. I have not wanted to completely give up alcohol, because I always see the romance of alcohol. In my mind's eye I see the pretty cocktails, the parties and the lovely dresses. I don't want to give that up! But that's a big fat fucking lie! It's not a pretty cocktail, it's a swig from a bottle. It's not a lovely dress, it's a bathrobe wrapped around a waist grown thick from too much alcohol. All the pretty dresses are packed away. I watch these shows on TV now or commercials and I just say in my mind "lie, lie lie."
      Welcome anchorite,

      Your story sounds similar to mine in the fact that we romanticize alcohol, which is what made it hard for me to give it up too, the fantasy of it, which is as you said...a lie.

      I didn't drink huge amounts or daily amounts so that allowed me to delude myself too that I didn't really have a problem and didn't need to quit completely. But I also saw a pattern of the drinking getting worse over time. I foolishly believed for many years that I could control it. But as we know, people who don't have problems don't even think about cutting down or controlling their drinking. They don't have to because they don't have a problem. But we do! I also did the same dang thing of the romanticizing the demon alcohol. Nothing pretty about losing self control. Nothing glamorous about slurring, stumbling, or telling somehow how you really feel. Nothing great about waking up the next morning wondering what you said, or did, or waiting for cues from your spouse if you made a fool of yourself or if anyone is mad at you. We have a lot in common. Hope the biggest denominator now will be our abstinence and commitment to not drinking, and no longer believing the big fat lie!

      ~Addy (All Done Drinking...Yes!)
      Last edited by All done drinking; December 26th, 2015 at 06:11 PM.
      "Control your destiny or somebody else will" ~Jack Welsh~

      God didn't give you the strength to get back on your feet, so that you can run back to the same thing that knocked you down.

      But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then. ~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

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    9. #5
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      Woah, I am so glad Christmas is over! I actually had my first AF Christmas in 15 years. Went and did the family brunch the day after, and my sister gave me a present of home-made buddha-hand vodka. Ooops! Well, that was a problem. I'd done the math and I was AF 5 days at that point. So yeah, I had some vodka. And a glass of wine. And the next day I had a couple of beers with brunch. And then I was done. Like it was 2pm, and I just did not want any more alcohol. I was so happy and excited, looking forward to getting back to business on Monday. I'm studying for a national examination that I'll be taking the second week or so of January. It's the culmination of 4-1/2 years of schooling, and it is one of about 7 different exams I will be taking over the next 6 months. All I want to do is study and get this done and start working in my chosen field. It feels wonderful to be so excited about something that it trumps everything and inspires me so completely. I was out of bed at 5:30, gave myself my MWO time, and now I'm heading back to the books. Such a nerd...

    10. #6
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      Hi Anchor and welcome. Your story is similar to what is across the boards. I always wonder when i lost control of my consumption but when i started blacking out and up to 3 bottles of poison i knew something was really wrong. As you state there is no glamour to drinking for an alcoholic, its a bottle or more, warm or cold, doesnt matter. Its having some hidden, its planning when to drink, where to get it, what bill not to pay to get it and the list goes on.

      To be completely done with al means no more. We cant moderate, we have all tried and we have all failed time and time again. This is why we are on a drinking site. As much as i wish i could have one and be that "normal" drinker i cant and wont take the chance. Never is just a word, i plan on a big piss up when i a 80 and thats 28 years away in April. Gives me a goal but until then i will take what life has to offer me sober and life in 2015 gave me a lot of offerings, mainly bad but i have dug up all the positives i had so that it wasnt a bad year after all.

      Best of luck with your exams, a clear head is a much better option than one dead by al.
      AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2018 - 5 years of living life as i should have done all of my life

      Ava is a SHPFFFDU ! (Special, honest, practical, fantastic friend from downunder) - thank you NS

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    12. #7
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      Oh my goodness, I think we may be almost exactly the same age. I too, will be 80 in April, 28 years from now!

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      Im 80 on april 20th years from now. we can get drunk together lol, well if i still remember things that is and if i want a drink.
      AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2018 - 5 years of living life as i should have done all of my life

      Ava is a SHPFFFDU ! (Special, honest, practical, fantastic friend from downunder) - thank you NS

    14. #9
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      I'm pretty tired after a busy day, but I wanted to get some things off my mind that I didn't have the time for this morning. I've been pretty isolated the last few weeks with school being over. Just kind of hunkering down and studying every day. I've been doing the whole MWO program, the CDs (I find them amazing), kudzu, etc. Started back on Topa and had finally added in the first 25 mg in the morning. Even though the studying that I do is pretty intense and my practice in the past was extremely affected by Topa, so far it's seemed okay. Well, apparently as long as I don't have to interact with anyone I am okay. This weekend really showed me how much the Topamax was affecting me. I was kind of mortified. I don't know if my family noticed. I had a really hard time putting sentences together, remembering names. It was painful, and it really freaked me out, because I need my brain to be 100% right now. Since I'd only been doing the 25mg in the am for a few days, I felt it was safe to stop it right away. I'm almost out of my Topa, 100 mg tabs that I've been cutting, so I will either have to start my titration down soon, or ask my doctor for new prescriptions. She's very cool, it's more that I'm kind of embarrassed to bring it up because it's been a couple of years since she prescribed these, and it's just not a conversation I really want to have, with anyone. So trying to decide if I should just stick with the evening 50 mg for now, which seems to be fine and SEs very mild, and trust that my mind is not going to fail me come test taking time in a few weeks.

      The other thing too is, I'm pretty tired of the back and forth business. I am really forcing myself to be diligent with all aspects of the program. When I first started back on the program this last time, I would have a couple AF days, then I'd kind of slip a little. I forced myself to stay with every component regardless, and slowly I had more AF days in a row. It seemed then that the only thing that would trip me up would be a really upsetting situation. That's when I came back to the forums, because I always got so much out of them before. I'm trying to read a little every morning and every evening, and I'll try to write a little every day, too. So my fear is that, if I stop the Topa, it could be the start of the slipping back into the old patterns. I think I just answered my own question. I'm not willing to risk slipping back. I'd rather talk to my doctor and renew the 25mg prescription. If she says no, which I highly doubt, then I'll just figure out how to get it online. I feel really strong and confident right now, but I also know that sometimes those dark moments of despair or anxiety come very unexpectedly and out of the blue!

      I'm not a person who is very good at talking about those dark moments, and feelings of depression and anxiety. I've really had to work at it, at telling my family what I am experiencing. I don't intentionally suffer in silence, I just don't realize it might be a good idea to talk it through. This is awkward and a little hard for me, but I know I have to make the effort to articulate these things because it is what will help me to be stronger and healthier.

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    16. #10
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      Quote Originally Posted by available View Post
      Im 80 on april 20th years from now. we can get drunk together lol, well if i still remember things that is and if i want a drink.
      April 6th. I suspect we wouldn't last very long if we did. Probably do a shot or two and then get sick LOL. The memory is no doubt more exciting than the future reality

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