My words

[guardian]

Hi,

At the urging of another forum member, I've decided to start writing more. Thank you Ne, for your encouragement. I don't know you, but I love you.

[guardian]

And when I started this journal, my words were right there; packed so tightly in my throat with nowhere to go that they were coming out in tears. 2 days ago the ffear of running of of time took me to something else, when I think this is probably more important than anything else right now. Because I'm right where I was, like, a year-and-a-half or maybe 2 years ago in many ways. Learning the hard way again. But it isn't the same. The thing that spun me like a top this time is worse. I didn't have anger before, and this time I did. I allowed it; didn't feel ashamed. Not entitled to anything because of it, but it wasn't wrong. I grew. And right now, what I am feeling, allowing myself to feel without judgement, I am growing. I can fucking feel it. But there is a lesson too, and I need to put it down. I need to learn and remember. I tried paper and pencil for a long time. But this, for me, is key: putting it here allows me to be seen, to be known. That's it for now. I just needed to keep it going.

[guardian]

I read this Robert Bly quote, or heard it in an audiobook rather, and it seemed to speak to me and what I have gone through on my journey:

"Tragedies, then, are not so much about personality flaws as about the depths that call up to certain men and insist that they descend."

Those voices from the past are powerful, and I FEEL it.