Hi fellow Long-Termers:
In the most recent days, I wrote of going through some new changes. I said I would write about them as I got them sorted out, as they are most confusing. One thing has popped up, and it flies in the face of my previous efforts at self-analysis and insight, and I thought I would share it.
I wrote many times of my battle with drinking Neil, and that it was. Fierce, and gory it was. Many times locked in battle with my inner demons, much blood flew. Horrible fits of depression, hopelessness. Emotional terrorism I call it now. All this stuff coming out, and flying in my face. Many of you all know it too well.
What I am going to write of, is probably not best for a person new to sobriety. Probably not possible by a new AF warrior, as I know I could not have done it even in my first year AF.
One thing I learned in self-esteem, and NLP methods, was that of nurturing the inner child. This I did from the very start of my AF journey. It is most important, and I wrote of it often when I first joined MWO. Go to the store, and buy a gift for your inner child. It is almost always a toy, or something that was denied at an early age. I have a bankers box now full of child?s toys, which I actually played with for a short while, and quickly put away once the healing was done in my psyche. Doesn?t take long, is not difficult, but has incredible benefits.
Along with this inner child nurturing, exercises to imagine hugging, or cradling your infant or toddler self during semi-hypnotic sessions proved valuable as well. Again, it was easy to do, not difficult, but oh so important.
What has followed now, and this is the new stuff, is dealing with my drinking self. Recent meditations, and hypnosis sessions, all created by me, and initiated by me, have had me imagining a conversation with myself while drunk and in a fit of self-pity. This, my friends, is psychologically painful to an incredible degree. It requires honesty, insight, and maturity of a sort not possible to me earlier. It is integration. It is a recent method I have devised, using much the same basic psychological tools as before when doing the inner child work.
One has to recall incredibly painful moments, at least the ones I could remember. I have to imagine myself sitting a short distance away, perhaps a bit younger, and thoroughly pissed as you Brits like to say. I can imagine the things I am thinking, and saying with slurred diction. As a sober adult, I bounce the conversation back and forth. Again, very difficult and painful, and couldn?t be done in the early months.
an>
A short example:
Sober Neil: Why did you get trashed again, Neil?
Drunk Neil: Stress got to me this week, and I just felt like it. Quit bugging me.
Sober Neil: So you think you can keep doing this all the time to deal with stress?
Drunk Neil: Maybe, maybe not. Really don?t care right now.
Sober Neil: I bet you do care. What if you could get rid of the stress some other way?
Drunk Neil: Might be all right, but booze makes me less afraid, and more outgoing with the women.
Sober Neil: So I bet you get a lot of women in your state right now?
Drunk Neil: Sometimes, but they?re drunks too, so it?s OK.
Sober Neil: And does that make it worth it?
Drunk Neil: Yea, sometimes, but really don?t care what you think.
Sober Neil: Then why are you here now?
And so on??. That was just a snippet, or example of the dialogue I have been having lately. Before drinking Neil was a horrible monster I had to fight. Now I have a new strength, and sobriety to deal with him in a different way.
So I continue. This is just one of the new things I have been working on. Again, I could have not attempted this in my first year of sobriety, but now seems like I have grown a bit, and these inner sessions done during deep relaxation exercises seem beneficial. An alpha wave hypnosis CD is ideal for this type of work.
More on this later.
Be well.
Neil
In the most recent days, I wrote of going through some new changes. I said I would write about them as I got them sorted out, as they are most confusing. One thing has popped up, and it flies in the face of my previous efforts at self-analysis and insight, and I thought I would share it.
I wrote many times of my battle with drinking Neil, and that it was. Fierce, and gory it was. Many times locked in battle with my inner demons, much blood flew. Horrible fits of depression, hopelessness. Emotional terrorism I call it now. All this stuff coming out, and flying in my face. Many of you all know it too well.
What I am going to write of, is probably not best for a person new to sobriety. Probably not possible by a new AF warrior, as I know I could not have done it even in my first year AF.
One thing I learned in self-esteem, and NLP methods, was that of nurturing the inner child. This I did from the very start of my AF journey. It is most important, and I wrote of it often when I first joined MWO. Go to the store, and buy a gift for your inner child. It is almost always a toy, or something that was denied at an early age. I have a bankers box now full of child?s toys, which I actually played with for a short while, and quickly put away once the healing was done in my psyche. Doesn?t take long, is not difficult, but has incredible benefits.
Along with this inner child nurturing, exercises to imagine hugging, or cradling your infant or toddler self during semi-hypnotic sessions proved valuable as well. Again, it was easy to do, not difficult, but oh so important.
What has followed now, and this is the new stuff, is dealing with my drinking self. Recent meditations, and hypnosis sessions, all created by me, and initiated by me, have had me imagining a conversation with myself while drunk and in a fit of self-pity. This, my friends, is psychologically painful to an incredible degree. It requires honesty, insight, and maturity of a sort not possible to me earlier. It is integration. It is a recent method I have devised, using much the same basic psychological tools as before when doing the inner child work.
One has to recall incredibly painful moments, at least the ones I could remember. I have to imagine myself sitting a short distance away, perhaps a bit younger, and thoroughly pissed as you Brits like to say. I can imagine the things I am thinking, and saying with slurred diction. As a sober adult, I bounce the conversation back and forth. Again, very difficult and painful, and couldn?t be done in the early months.
an>
A short example:
Sober Neil: Why did you get trashed again, Neil?
Drunk Neil: Stress got to me this week, and I just felt like it. Quit bugging me.
Sober Neil: So you think you can keep doing this all the time to deal with stress?
Drunk Neil: Maybe, maybe not. Really don?t care right now.
Sober Neil: I bet you do care. What if you could get rid of the stress some other way?
Drunk Neil: Might be all right, but booze makes me less afraid, and more outgoing with the women.
Sober Neil: So I bet you get a lot of women in your state right now?
Drunk Neil: Sometimes, but they?re drunks too, so it?s OK.
Sober Neil: And does that make it worth it?
Drunk Neil: Yea, sometimes, but really don?t care what you think.
Sober Neil: Then why are you here now?
And so on??. That was just a snippet, or example of the dialogue I have been having lately. Before drinking Neil was a horrible monster I had to fight. Now I have a new strength, and sobriety to deal with him in a different way.
So I continue. This is just one of the new things I have been working on. Again, I could have not attempted this in my first year of sobriety, but now seems like I have grown a bit, and these inner sessions done during deep relaxation exercises seem beneficial. An alpha wave hypnosis CD is ideal for this type of work.
Be well.
Neil
c: :heart:
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