Another rock bottom

[Mackeral]

I woke up this morning with the most horrible knot in my stomach, and it wont go away..We had a massive drink fueled row last night in front of the kids..The worst one we have ever had..I cant get the poor kids faces out of my head..I feel like scum...I am scum..
I have just rang work to tell them i wont be in today and have thrown out all the alcahol in the house..I dont feel its enough..I want to do more...I have never felt as low as i do right now..It might be what i need...And what i deserve..Things have gotta change..I have got to change..I am just sick to death with always going uphill..

[Bella]

Another rock bottom

Oh Mackeral......I know that knot in the stomach well! Listen.....Things WILL change because you want them to. Take stock today, nurse your wounds and think of a plan. Please be easy on yourself. You are a good, good person and we are all here for you. Bella xxx

[Guest]

Another rock bottom

Sorry you`re feeling so down Mackeral, but please don`t get mad at yourself................you`re just experiencing many of the trials and tribulations that we all have to learn to overcome, nomatter how long it takes each of us.

Take heart, because the more attempts we make at going uphill, the less steep the slope becomes.

Hope you feel better soon.

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[AMELIA]

Another rock bottom

So sorry to read that Mackeral. Know how it feels, thinking of you.
xx

[nancy]

Another rock bottom

You know, from a grown child's point of view, the worst thing isnt the fight itself, it's a parent who doesn't recognize the abuse, denial etc. Children want to be acknowledged and are actually pretty resilient. But they like an apology.

get over your headache and get back to MWO!

nancy
ps
you are not scum, you have a problem. if someone external you loved had the same thing, no doubt you would not use the word scum

[Mackeral]

Another rock bottom

Thankyou for the advice, there is a simple solution..I just gotta not drink ever again..And because i am so mad with myself i can see me doing it this time..I have said that so many times before..but i can actually see it...No good has ever come from drink..And it never will...Time to grow up and start acting my age..I dont want to be a drunken slob my wife and kids see sat on the couch every night..And i dont feel sorry for myself this time...I feel sorry for them..

[Finding My Self]

Another rock bottom

Hi Mackeral
Just wanted to send my thoughts to you...feeling like that is truly horrible isn't it. But the feelings are horrible, not you. As a pal once said to me, "You're not shit, just in shit". You're not shit, just feeling shit today. I had a row with my man yesterday, too - felt horrible but it's OK now. No booze does help...
Blessings
FMF x

[nancy]

Another rock bottom

you might find this hard to believe, but some parents are unaware of the damage they cause their children. you are aware, so take that and be glad that you know this is wrong..

[Finding My Self]

Another rock bottom

Hi Mackeral
Just wnted to send you my thoughts. It's a truly horrible feeling isn't it? You are not alone - I had a row with my man yesterday but it is OK now - no booze does help to , if not keep, get your head back afterwards... As a pal once said to me, "You're not shit just in shit" and so I say, "you're not shit, just feeling shit".
Good on you - you can do this. Don't let this horrible feeling (which isn't you) win and make you take another drink.
Blessings
FMF x

[satori]

Another rock bottom

Hi Mackeral,

Sorry to hear about your row - been there - felt like sh*t too - but - it was the thought of what I was doing to my kids that made me want to change too!

Dont beat yourself up mate - get some rest and some water inside you, and once you are feeling better - go and apologise to them all
And - if you REALLY mean to go AF forever - tell them that!

I wish you and your family all the best.

We are here if you need us - We all know this is not a walk in the park!

Take care

Satori

[nattie]

Another rock bottom

Hi Mackeral
I've also got that knot in my stomach today. Had a massive binge all weekend - my dad had a minor heart attack on Friday for which I used the excuse to blot it all out.
I was so drunk yesterday I wasn't able to go to the hospital to visit him - I felt really proud of that one.

I've taken the day off work also and this morning I called the local drug & alcohol team, I had an appointment with them for 21st but I can't wait that long. They have said they're able to see me today which I'm relieved about. I don't know what to expect but how about I let you know when I have been ? You may have somethig similar in your area that might be able to support you.

I hope you don't feel to down but just to say I know how you are feeling today.

Nattie

[tawnyfrog]

Another rock bottom

Macks,

I've known you since your Day 1. It was a year ago that you first posted. I've watched you and laughed and cried with you. I believe you to be a thoroughly decent man, devoted husband and loving father.

You know we have an affinity so you will not mind if I don't mince my words. I'm sorry but have to disagree with Starlight today. DO get mad at yourself! Outrageously, utterly mad at having f'd up again. Hang onto that feeling because I believe that's what you need to re-focus. You've tried mods and it hasn't worked for you. Get back into abs. You've done it before. You CAN do it again.

Macks, my old man was a piss-head. I hated him. I left home at 18 to get away from him and the constant alcohol-fuelled rows he had with my mum. He got sober when he was about 65 because of health issues. By then it was all too late. The damage had been done. We never made our peace. He died about 6 years ago. I'm no longer angry, just bloody sad that f'ing grog deprived me of having a dad - in my childhood, in my teens and in my adult life.

You've GOT to turn this around. To continue is not an option. Just pull your finger out, Macks. :l :l
(..and you know I don't give these out lightly)

[Mackeral]

Another rock bottom

Nattie,i have been to see my local drug and alcahol team in the past...They are very very good...I think i stayed 2 months af...Just tell them absolutly everything and be as honest as you can...Well done for bringing the date forward aswell...The sooner the better..I wish you the best of luck today...Hopefully as we get into our respective beds tonight sober that knot might of loosened a little..

Tawny, i am mad and i plan on staying that way...talk is all well and good...as of this morning i WILL become a better man,husband,father,friend,neighbour,the lot..enough is enough..Determined just doesnt cover it..
I have taken on board a lot of advice from this thread..But what you said about your dad is the thing that will stick most...Thankyou

[memarcie]

Another rock bottom

You can do this Macks. It sounds like you are ready to change and end this cycle you've been putting yourself and your family through. Be strong!

:l

Marcie

[Lotus]

Another rock bottom

Macks

Since being here on MWO I've always read your post and Lisa's. You have come such a long way. Sometimes we do things that we don't plan to or mean to...they just happen unfortunately.

Good on you for throwing out the booze. Make some time and chat to the kids. I know when dad and stepmum used to argue (or dad used to hit her) my brothers and myself used to think whether it was because of us or if we could have intervened.

Don't beat yourself up. You've aknowleged your fault now. People learn from mistakes.

Mandy x