        The first time I got drunk was also the first time I got stoned (I think). I was a ship unmoored on choppy waters in a thick fog, but I was having a grand ol? time. How magical life turned out to be! I was thirteen years old.
        Subsequent to that exciting event, I made drinking to get drunk - and smoking weed - an increasingly frequent part of my routine. By my mid-high school years, almost on a weekly basis I could find a party at which I would get substantially wrecked. ?I still cringe at vivid memories of being utterly out of control. I think the only reason I have these memories is because they are such effective mental self-torture, something I seem also to be hooked on.
        After graduating from high school, my excessive drinking almost completely stopped for a while. However, 6 months later, in my first year of college, I sunk into a pothead phase that came and went (mostly went) for a few years. I took a leave from college after my first year and fully indulged in being directionless, but drinking didn?t yet figure significantly in my life.
        When I went back to college three years later, I again began to experience being out of control of my drinking. I can still feel the shame the morning after my 22nd birthday party. Two friends from back home were visiting, and they were not a bit like me. I knew something was wrong with the picture I was creating.
        Yet I felt unable to change it. Fast forward fourteen years to now, and the blurred image of my history is of that many years binge drinking, almost always in solitude. In the past several months, drinking has gone from my reliable once or twice a week to fighting to keep it down to three times a week. Hungry? I?ll have some ale or some Guinness - it?s good for me! Lonely? Same solution. Overtired? Same. Hungover? Definitely the same solution! How about that?! It has been my solution for that long and it has never once worked! At least, not for more than a couple of hours at a time? See, beer has filled my belly, it has kept me company, given me a burst of energy, and perked me right up out of a depressive day-after feeling. Time and time again. But only for a couple of hours?
        When the high lifts, once again I am back to shame. Shame has been an integral part of my being for too long. It is time to lift it out, and the only way for me to do that is to quit the binging. I am amazed to report that I have the life I always dreamed of: a loving husband, a small farm, a job in a small school where the students love me, and the prospect of -finally- having children of my own. At thirty six, and with the beautiful backdrop of my life, the severity of my issue is hitting me hard. I don?t have any years left to throw away before I take my health seriously enough to bear the children I yearn for.
        My husband would be pained to know how hard I am struggling with this, and that I am intentionally keeping him in the dark. An irony strikes me as I write. In high school, I always had to kiss my mother goodnight after returning from a party; did she not smell the alcohol, or did she avoid the issue?! My husband does not smell very well, so I can still get away with a good buzz as long as I don?t swerve and tip when he gets home. Am I subconsciously keeping a pattern alive? Am I still playing the rebel role? Is it Mother?s fault for not stopping that early brain wiring? Must forgive, must forgive myself most of all.
        When we have talked of it in the past, my husband is loving and supportive. But the issue scares him, I think, and he doesn?t know what to say. So I spare him the pain of knowing. The less he knows, too, the easier it is for me to keep doing it. That deception, of course, adds leaden weight to my shame. The sneak drinking is agonizing! My husband deserves better. My soul deserves better. Go away demon!
        Because I want to get pregnant, I can?t right now go on the topomax, or the kudzu, I think. In a past pregnancy that was not carried to term, I lost all taste for drink. I trust that will happen again, though I don?t want to have to count on it? (With the support of good reading, this site, good eating, lots of exercise, meditation, friendships, and an AA meeting here and there, I WILL overpower this affliction!) The guilt of having treated my body as I have for so long is leaving me feeling like I am not worthy of having children. I feel like I?m asking the impossible, though my gut tells me that motherhood is my destiny. (Any mothers or mothers-in-waiting out there who can relate, please tell me you hear me!)
        The good news is that tonight I wanted to drink so badly -and my beloved husband is away so it would?ve been easy. Instead, I opened an L-Glutamine under my tongue, and quickly made some dinner. Now I sit with the cathartic experience of writing out my history, an important step in my healing. Two nights ago I drank beer. I hope and pray that that number will grow into countless nights ago?
        My relationship with alcohol is the most painful I?ve ever had. Reading on the MWO site has been so very soothing. I hope it is okay to share even though I am not fully engaged in the program. Thank you to you who have read this, and if you feel to, please respond with any advice or wisdom or shared experience. Lord knows I could drink it in!
        Subsequent to that exciting event, I made drinking to get drunk - and smoking weed - an increasingly frequent part of my routine. By my mid-high school years, almost on a weekly basis I could find a party at which I would get substantially wrecked. ?I still cringe at vivid memories of being utterly out of control. I think the only reason I have these memories is because they are such effective mental self-torture, something I seem also to be hooked on.
        After graduating from high school, my excessive drinking almost completely stopped for a while. However, 6 months later, in my first year of college, I sunk into a pothead phase that came and went (mostly went) for a few years. I took a leave from college after my first year and fully indulged in being directionless, but drinking didn?t yet figure significantly in my life.
        When I went back to college three years later, I again began to experience being out of control of my drinking. I can still feel the shame the morning after my 22nd birthday party. Two friends from back home were visiting, and they were not a bit like me. I knew something was wrong with the picture I was creating.
        Yet I felt unable to change it. Fast forward fourteen years to now, and the blurred image of my history is of that many years binge drinking, almost always in solitude. In the past several months, drinking has gone from my reliable once or twice a week to fighting to keep it down to three times a week. Hungry? I?ll have some ale or some Guinness - it?s good for me! Lonely? Same solution. Overtired? Same. Hungover? Definitely the same solution! How about that?! It has been my solution for that long and it has never once worked! At least, not for more than a couple of hours at a time? See, beer has filled my belly, it has kept me company, given me a burst of energy, and perked me right up out of a depressive day-after feeling. Time and time again. But only for a couple of hours?
        When the high lifts, once again I am back to shame. Shame has been an integral part of my being for too long. It is time to lift it out, and the only way for me to do that is to quit the binging. I am amazed to report that I have the life I always dreamed of: a loving husband, a small farm, a job in a small school where the students love me, and the prospect of -finally- having children of my own. At thirty six, and with the beautiful backdrop of my life, the severity of my issue is hitting me hard. I don?t have any years left to throw away before I take my health seriously enough to bear the children I yearn for.
        My husband would be pained to know how hard I am struggling with this, and that I am intentionally keeping him in the dark. An irony strikes me as I write. In high school, I always had to kiss my mother goodnight after returning from a party; did she not smell the alcohol, or did she avoid the issue?! My husband does not smell very well, so I can still get away with a good buzz as long as I don?t swerve and tip when he gets home. Am I subconsciously keeping a pattern alive? Am I still playing the rebel role? Is it Mother?s fault for not stopping that early brain wiring? Must forgive, must forgive myself most of all.
        When we have talked of it in the past, my husband is loving and supportive. But the issue scares him, I think, and he doesn?t know what to say. So I spare him the pain of knowing. The less he knows, too, the easier it is for me to keep doing it. That deception, of course, adds leaden weight to my shame. The sneak drinking is agonizing! My husband deserves better. My soul deserves better. Go away demon!
        Because I want to get pregnant, I can?t right now go on the topomax, or the kudzu, I think. In a past pregnancy that was not carried to term, I lost all taste for drink. I trust that will happen again, though I don?t want to have to count on it? (With the support of good reading, this site, good eating, lots of exercise, meditation, friendships, and an AA meeting here and there, I WILL overpower this affliction!) The guilt of having treated my body as I have for so long is leaving me feeling like I am not worthy of having children. I feel like I?m asking the impossible, though my gut tells me that motherhood is my destiny. (Any mothers or mothers-in-waiting out there who can relate, please tell me you hear me!)
        The good news is that tonight I wanted to drink so badly -and my beloved husband is away so it would?ve been easy. Instead, I opened an L-Glutamine under my tongue, and quickly made some dinner. Now I sit with the cathartic experience of writing out my history, an important step in my healing. Two nights ago I drank beer. I hope and pray that that number will grow into countless nights ago?
        My relationship with alcohol is the most painful I?ve ever had. Reading on the MWO site has been so very soothing. I hope it is okay to share even though I am not fully engaged in the program. Thank you to you who have read this, and if you feel to, please respond with any advice or wisdom or shared experience. Lord knows I could drink it in!
i'll know in a week or so.
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