blacked out again

[dove]

blacked out again last night....fourth time in three weeks...was doing well until i went to a wedding three weeks ago and blacked out both nights there...then again last monday and again last night...i'm pretty sure this will kill me one of these times...started taking campral last week and it doesn't seem to help much...it is so expensive that i can't afford to keep going with it....i hate alcohol...i will be 32 on sunday and my life has been nothing but a waste...i know i need to just stop al all together but know i can't...i mean i know i can stop for like a week or so but i just know i will drink again and so don't even want to try to go af since i will just blow it...god, WHY DO I HAVE TO BE GOING THROUGH THIS!!!...i just want this to go away...i guess if i drink myself to death it will

i should probably just stop coming here because all i ever have to post about is how i messed up again

i wish i could afford counseling...i'm too scared someone will know me at aa to go to meetings

sorry to be such a downer

dove

[brittzak]

blacked out again

I agree....don't give up. Never give up!!!!!! I just wanna say too...if you see someone at AA that you know...guess what? They are there for the SAME REASON you are....and trust me, everyone that knows and loves you...already KNOWS you have a problem. We think we hide it, but we don't. I have had many ups and downs....but, I never stopped coming here and I will never give up....I had 8 months AF last year and I am 4 months AF now...that is a hell of alot better than when I came here. I was drinking until blackout DAILY.....don't give up....keep trying.

[dove]

blacked out again

thank you...yes i feel like i have just given up...i just hate that i keep messing up...if i stop trying to stop then i will stop failing...i just really hate that i have to keep posting that i f'ed up AGAIN

[dove]

blacked out again

No, Gia, you're right, I really don't want to give up. I'm just so tired of failing.

[brittzak]

blacked out again

FAILURE...is when you stop trying!!!!!!!!!! So you drink....it is DONE...over, make tomorrow count..Don't drink...each day you make it AF....is one day without a blackout, so do not give up.

[dove]

blacked out again

Thanks. I'm just so tired of all of this. Why can't I just stop? I AM a failure because I have no willpower to stop this stupidness that is so embeded in my life. I hate it.

[cacky]

blacked out again

Try anything and everything

Dove, i am a chronic relapser. Tried AA still there. Trying this now. You really need to know it can work. I dont mind listening believe me i have been there. DUi, arrested...some of the best and most caring people i have met are in AA

[dove]

blacked out again

anyone want to chat

[Seacailin]

blacked out again

Dove
I have been where you are so many times. I feel that for me to give up is a death sentence, and it will not come quickly. It will be a slow, torturous death. I may slip, relapse, whatever, but I Will Never Give Up. I have had more AF time since joining this site 7 months ago than I have had in the past 5 years. Every AF day matters.:l

[cacky]

blacked out again

id like to chat

[j-vo]

blacked out again

Dove,
Half the battle is admitting that you have a problem and knowing that you want to do something about it. You're in the right place. Read and learn as much as you can. Look at the meds forum for help there. Maybe what you're on isn't the right medication. Possibly the CD's could help you to refocus and learn good strategies for controlling the al consumption. Take it one step at a time. Start with one small goal and go from there.

[Prest4time]

blacked out again

Dove,
Lots of wise advice here. Topamax worked really well for me too, I was just very sensitive to the side effects. Antabuse has no side effects... except unless you drink! There is always another way to tackle this. Do not give up.

Also, one thing I am learning is LISTEN to what your thoughts are. Thoughts like "I AM a failure"... well, our actions follow our thoughts. If you believe you are failure, then you will live that out. I am learning to "grab" my thoughts when they are going down that road and say, "wait a minute.... I am NOT a failure" although I may feel like one right now because I got drunk last night. But that does not define ME as a whole. So get up and live out who you really are! It takes practice, skinned knees, but change your thoughts, and your actions will start to line up with those good thoughts.

Hang in there!

[Karl1981]

blacked out again

hi there, i also suffer from blackouts. ive sat for days for weeks after, thinking about what happened, how i got locked up, what i said to who.( i still for the life of me cant remember any of it. and i guess i dont want to. i still cant work out why part of my palms on my hands are a little numb, maybe from struggling with hand cuffs. not sure) but all that came of it was depression. i cant turn back time. and neither can you.
Im also like you constant failing in stopping but hell were trying right. thats a start. pick your self up and start start again.

we can do this. i promise. as long as we keep trying. i guess one day we will suceed and never look back.

if ya need an ear to listen or someone to talk to about blacking out. im your man. lol.

All the best

Karlito!

[aprilmoon]

blacked out again

Been there done that! We all have failed at trying to be AF... Stay here and read and post. It's helped me.

[Seacailin]

blacked out again

How are you today Dove?
I am a Blackout drinker myself. Very scary shit. I have no idea how I have lived this long.