husbands anger

[needachange]

Hi,

I mostly read and never post. I know I drink too much and too often. I have been cutting back. My husband says horrible things to me. I drank 3 beers last night and because we are having some other issues, he screams you pathetic alcoholic, you dont even deserve to have children, etc. etc. I know he is bothered. He feels anyone can just not drink if they choose so. Our 13 year old son drank a got some beer out of fridge the other day and drank it. My husband is furious with me and blames me for all of it. So by drinking 3 beers last night, he says I dont care about myself or my son. None of that is even close to the truth. All of this yelling he is doing is in front of our kids. Are most spouses like this? How can I help him understand how hard I do try?

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[cacky]

husbands anger

needachange...you need to talk to someone. your husbands anger does not justify him treating you that way. please take care of yourself. i bet you are a decent person..remember that

[42cat]

husbands anger

Hi ...

No, all husbands are not like that. And it doesn't matter if it's your husband, your mother, your friend, or a perfect stranger - no one should talk to you, or yell at you, like that, especially in front of your children. It doesn't matter how "bothered" your husband is. Heck, we're all "bothered" by something or other.

He's an adult, a husband, and a father -- When he puts you down in front of your children like that, it's going to affect them now and as they grow up ..... Your husband is actively "teaching" your son(s), by example, how to treat their mother and how to treat women in general. If you have girls, he's "demonstrating" that it's normal for men to treat them this way. This is how they're growing up, and this is what they will "know". He's also making your kids feel insecure in their own home. This is not good. (I'm speaking from my own experience on these issues.) On the same note, mothers yelling and belittling fathers also has similar effects.

That aside, it's not fair to you and it's not helping you in your fight against AL, not to mention in how you feel about yourself and your happiness. Maybe things would be better if you didn't drink. (3 beers wasn't that bad, imho.) .. Re. your son drinking a beer - Many folks, alcoholics or not, could easily have alcohol in the house at any time -- So please don't blame yourself too much because your son drank a beer. I'm not saying it was OK, but things happen, especially with 13 year olds. Maybe lock it up somehow next time, if you think it could happen again.

I have a story from when I was a kid ... my brother (7 at the time) and his friend found a pint of vodka in the other kid's house and drank it .. they both ended up in emergency. This kid was from a "normal" family and the kids just happened to find the booze and, as kids do, experimented. Just thought I'd share.

Can you talk to your husband and ask for his help? I mean, calmly talk to him, when you're alone, about what you want out of life, and ask him what he wants, etc... talk about what you can each do to help each other and yourselves, and the family as a whole .. without name-calling or placing blame .... But if he's not willing to help you by way of support and understanding, and if he continues to belittle you and yell at you in front of your kids, you will have to re-evaluate your relationship and go forward based on what's best for you and your kids.... Your first priorities are you and your children. They have to be. Do what's best in that regard, and hopefully your husband will hop on board.

*** Just my humble opinion .. I know we can't really judge each other's situations perfectly. Sorry to be so long-winded -- This is a subject that's close to my heart. Hope all goes well. Good luck with everything. ((hug))

[Changed1]

husbands anger

Hi needachange,

I am not married nor do I have children, but I think your husband is being way out of line in how he is "talking" to you. I agree with Cat in that 13 year olds will often do what your son did and plenty of people have alcohol in their house.

As to making him understand how hard you are trying, that is a tough one. Have you sought counseling or any sort of group for AL? That could be one way of showing him you are trying. 3 beers to me isn't bad either, but I don't know your drinking history or your husband.

I do have a friend whose husband quit drinking two years ago. She still drinks. He too will say things when she drinks, even though her problem isn't nearly as severe as his was. Thing is, she refuses to try to stop drinking as she is resentful for the abuse he put her through for all the years. I've tried to explain what it's like to stop drinking and continue to live with a drinker, but to no avail. Anyway, I realize this isn't your situation but you are not alone in having a spouse harp at you about your drinking. Chin up and hang in there. You are doing the best you can I do believe.

[42cat]

husbands anger

Changed1... counselling is a wonderful idea. I wish my parents had gone that route when I was a kid. The fights (yelling mostly) are really scary to a kid. I used to fear when nighttime rolled around and have vivid memories of sitting in my room listening to the fights, mom crying, etc.

I think my dad (and maybe your husband) didn't know how to deal with things as they were and, in frustration, lashed out. Maybe if he had learned or tried to deal differently, it would have made all the difference in the world. Not saying you need counselling for that - maybe just talking would do it - but counselling is definitely a great option.

[rubywillow]

husbands anger

Need, I understand some of what your going thru, but your husband is taking out his frustrations on you, and it DOES NOT HELP. He can't scream and force you in to doing anything. Your not making a choice right now, its much deeper than that, and you have to find your way out, for yourself. But you can't make him understand any more than he can make you quit, so it is tough. Therre are many people here who understand what your going thru. Don't be afraid to ask someone for help who seems to be able to give you the support you need.
Rubes

[cacky]

husbands anger

Need, i have to ask...is your husband's behavior new. I know that my husband was verbally abusive before my drinking got out of control. Recognize it for what it is. talk like that will not help you recover.

[Guest]

husbands anger

Sometimes people shout and scream because they care and don't know what else to do. I'm not saying what he is doing is right but perhaps it's the only way he can deal with what's going on right now. He may be embarassed or ashamed, perhaps about how people see his wife or things they say about you as a Mother.

At first a lot of people thought I was doing what I do on purpose. Being a pain in the A. They distanced themselves one way or another. A boyfriend did shout at me and boy did I shout back. I got told I didn't deserve him etc, my landlord told me I didn't deserve to live in his house etc.

Our behaviour and the worry get get too much. Different people handle it in different ways, and as an alcoholic actively drinking we are always on the back foot, feel so much guilt and cannot stand up for ourselves. I'm looking forward to asserting myself in my new-found sobriety. I will be able to make proper decisions about me, my relationships and well-being. Some around me may be scared, others happy.

One thing that has come to me is that he may benefit from perhaps a relatives group or 1-2-1 with a family alcohol counsellor.

By the way, I would never condone violence, just that from what people around me have said is that it's frustrating loving an alcoholic, and they've tried all sorts of ways of dealing with it including getting angry.

If you are in a truely abusive relationship it's important you do perhaps get sober, then you can make decisions that are right for you as a person. Hope that doesn't sound condescending.

[Savannah]

husbands anger

needachange, I'm so sorry this had to happen this way to you.. My husband is very religious and I am a soon recovering alcoholic.. I believe he loves you, but he just dosen't understand you. It sucks.. My therapist always told me to pick alcohol or my family. When you finally get to that "stuck" and "scared" point, believe me you will choose your family.. He seems like a judgemental person now, but I've been AF for a week and I realize it was the wine, not me.. Don't let this disease take over your life, XOXOXOX...

[~iirene~]

husbands anger

Man ANGER~

its harmful and you should let someone know. i wish i did years ago, let someone know today! tell his mother or whoever, just tell. let it out. say you HAD ENOUGH.
stop him now, before it gets worse.

[needachange]

husbands anger

thanks

Thank you all so much for your responses. I have much to think about. My husband does not drink and after 15 years of marriage, with me drinking most of it, not daily, work full time, etc., but I really think to him enough is enough. Any arguement we have, it always reverts back to drinking even if drinking didnt play a part in the present situation. I have really got to make my mind up. I feel like it is getting closer to marriage or drinking. Again, much thanks!!!

[hart]

husbands anger

(((Needtochange)))

Hon, if my hubby hollared at me for drinking 3 beers, which would never happen, I drink hugely or not at all, he would be in big trouble and if he DARED hollar in front of his child at me I would take Evan and leave, if I had to walk out due to having had 3 beers.

Drinking 3 beers does not excuse what is abuse, and that is verbal abuse. I'm not convinced he's doing this due to your drinking. I highly recommend marriage counseling.

:l:l:l

[Savannah]

husbands anger

Oh yeah Hart is absoultely right. I also work full time and marriage counseling works for us. My insurance pays 80% and our co-pay is only $20.. Need, it's really worth a try if you want to continue your marriage. God Bless You and UR family..:wings:

[sosad61]

husbands anger

THREE BEERS? Geez, that's me on a GOOD night...

He needs to support you; his yelling and screaming will do nothing but drive you in the other direction.

[Guest]

husbands anger

Three beers it may only be but depends how long it's been going on, and perhaps he just scared or knows how many beers that's going to end up as by bedtime? when folk get to the end of their tether about something it can boil up. Non problem drinkers do have trouble supporting us all the time, picking over out mess and hiding things/covering up for us.

Can come out in allsorts of ways. My ex when combined with other stresses in his life virtually had a nervous breakdown over my behaviour. He went from begging and pleading, loving to running away and finally MAKING me go away. He used to 'shout' down messenger at me - that I was POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL, over and over.

It's only since we spent a year apart that he has now come to understand and accept we can't be together whilst I drink.

It's very difficult for all concerned.