At 24
I found MWO.
The past two yearsI had two 3month relapses and a longer deeper 6month relapse
and I was determined not to let AL keep a hold.
I got some AL free time under my belt again and started again.
I finished an IT course with flying colours and started a new job.
And then I met him.
He was gentle and caring,
I loved how he made me feel safe and secure.
We started a relationship and then an intimate relationship.
He was patient and good with my little boy.
Then something happened, that I had been trying to keep in a box.
To stay safe from.
About 2 weeks into our relationship, I was at a party at his house.
I had far too much to drink.
I walked to the shop with a mutual male friend to get cigarettes.
When we returned, my ex threw his friend out.
I didn't think too much of this as I had too much too drink.
We went upstairs and I took my top and skirt off to get into bed.
He started shouting at me. 'What are you doing?' He yelled at me.
I flippantly told him I had a drink problem.
He yelled 'What kind of a mother are you?' He was so angry.
I realised I was in a bad place, but I didn't leave.
I just lay on the bed and crying and then I passed out.
After I woke up I was confused.
I had no underwear on and that feeling.
I had a thought 'what have you done?'
I was too afraid to confront that thought so I asked him if 'we'd' had sex. He said yes. and he'd used a condom.
After I had passed out unconscious, my ex had to remove my under wear to have sex with me. I was out cold. This was after throwing our friend out in jealousy.
I'd let it happen again. But it couldn't be.
Not here in my safe place, with safe people that I knew.
I had to make it better, I had to make it safe. So I did.
I thought 'it's his first relationship, he was drunk, he made a mistake...'
I made the choice to minimise what he had done to a mistake.
I placed blame on myself for being drunk to make it safe.
So I had control, so I could prevent it happening again.
The reality is that I never had control. when I passed out I gave away my choices and control.
My then partner was in the position of having complete control and choice.
He made the decision to rape me.
But I had made it 'safe' so I stayed with him.
I went to work the next day.
I attached all my vulnerability and fear of what had happened there.
I left my job within a month.
I struggled through with AL
I fell pregnant after 18 months, I became sober.
We moved in together a few months later.
And then he became abusive, but it couldn't be,
He was safe, so I pushed it away.
He's made a mistake...
when he went off sex when i was pg and used live webcam sites did I feel it. When I told him it bothered me and he continued, it hurt. I told it it made me feel like just a womb and mammary glands and before that that he viewed me as somewhere warm and wet.
As rediculous and over dramatic as it sounds it felt like being used for the previous two years and being raped.
And it all came back, that night.
I couldn't push it away any longer.
But I couldn't let it out all the way either.
I was living with him with my little boy and carrying his child, his daughter.
And the realisation was there. My daughter has a rapist as a father.
And it also brought back the first experience I had.
And that level of danger and fear, and brought it back,
Here into my home, into my childrens home.
It added context to it.
That taxi driver wasn't just a monster.
He was someone's partner, someone's dad.
He probabally went home after his shift,
and kissed his kids,
and said the same things to his wife that night that he had said to me.
All this was underneath. I couldn't let it out.
Until I was safe or until I had made it safe.
I found MWO.
The past two yearsI had two 3month relapses and a longer deeper 6month relapse
and I was determined not to let AL keep a hold.
I got some AL free time under my belt again and started again.
I finished an IT course with flying colours and started a new job.
And then I met him.
He was gentle and caring,
I loved how he made me feel safe and secure.
We started a relationship and then an intimate relationship.
He was patient and good with my little boy.
Then something happened, that I had been trying to keep in a box.
To stay safe from.
About 2 weeks into our relationship, I was at a party at his house.
I had far too much to drink.
I walked to the shop with a mutual male friend to get cigarettes.
When we returned, my ex threw his friend out.
I didn't think too much of this as I had too much too drink.
We went upstairs and I took my top and skirt off to get into bed.
He started shouting at me. 'What are you doing?' He yelled at me.
I flippantly told him I had a drink problem.
He yelled 'What kind of a mother are you?' He was so angry.
I realised I was in a bad place, but I didn't leave.
I just lay on the bed and crying and then I passed out.
After I woke up I was confused.
I had no underwear on and that feeling.
I had a thought 'what have you done?'
I was too afraid to confront that thought so I asked him if 'we'd' had sex. He said yes. and he'd used a condom.
After I had passed out unconscious, my ex had to remove my under wear to have sex with me. I was out cold. This was after throwing our friend out in jealousy.
I'd let it happen again. But it couldn't be.
Not here in my safe place, with safe people that I knew.
I had to make it better, I had to make it safe. So I did.
I thought 'it's his first relationship, he was drunk, he made a mistake...'
I made the choice to minimise what he had done to a mistake.
I placed blame on myself for being drunk to make it safe.
So I had control, so I could prevent it happening again.
The reality is that I never had control. when I passed out I gave away my choices and control.
My then partner was in the position of having complete control and choice.
He made the decision to rape me.
But I had made it 'safe' so I stayed with him.
I went to work the next day.
I attached all my vulnerability and fear of what had happened there.
I left my job within a month.
I struggled through with AL
I fell pregnant after 18 months, I became sober.
We moved in together a few months later.
And then he became abusive, but it couldn't be,
He was safe, so I pushed it away.
He's made a mistake...
when he went off sex when i was pg and used live webcam sites did I feel it. When I told him it bothered me and he continued, it hurt. I told it it made me feel like just a womb and mammary glands and before that that he viewed me as somewhere warm and wet.
As rediculous and over dramatic as it sounds it felt like being used for the previous two years and being raped.
And it all came back, that night.
I couldn't push it away any longer.
But I couldn't let it out all the way either.
I was living with him with my little boy and carrying his child, his daughter.
And the realisation was there. My daughter has a rapist as a father.
And it also brought back the first experience I had.
And that level of danger and fear, and brought it back,
Here into my home, into my childrens home.
It added context to it.
That taxi driver wasn't just a monster.
He was someone's partner, someone's dad.
He probabally went home after his shift,
and kissed his kids,
and said the same things to his wife that night that he had said to me.
All this was underneath. I couldn't let it out.
Until I was safe or until I had made it safe.
Though all this stuff is a bit heavy, most normal people can't really relate or know what to say. And if you do find a 'safe' person to share this with - they then know all this and they remind you of it, so you (I do anyway) tend to withdraw from them.
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