Need help with husbands depression

[Raven2012]

Hi dear friends,

My husband has been out of work for a year and is now getting seriously depressed. He's had some hints of being suicidal but I'm doubtful that he will follow through. For three years I have suggested he see our family dr about anti-depressants and anti anxiety medication. He had OCD. Sometimes rages uncontrolably and has hurt the kids. That was BEFORE he lost his job. Now its worse. I've asked him to go to the Dr and he says there is nothing wrong with him - he just needs a job. My concern is, he shouldn't even be going infront of employers in this state! He needs to get his attitude in check before having career related conversations.

I'm at the point of just booking a Dr's appt for him. We both see the same family Dr. He goes to our church. I saw him last month (I am on anti- depressants) and told him I'd love to taper off because my situation is much better but my husband is a mess. He told me , have him come see me. So I think I'll make the appt.

We've been round and round though. What if he doesnt' go? I'm at my wits end. If feel like my life is over. I'm ready to leave him. DO I threaten him with that? Does it have to come down to this. You all don't know my husband, but seriously, we could have this same conversation 18 months from now with no change. We have plenty of $, but that will eventually run out. At a certain point you just retire with regret, so it's just the life pain and displacement, which is bad enough that we are dealing with.

I need to do something. I am ready to leave because my dear boy is acting out, showing signs of anger and I can't lose him. We are so close.

[Nelz]

Need help with husbands depression

Wow, I totally feel for you and the position you are in. I never knew anything about depression before I met my wife. I always thought it just meant, bummed out, but now I know different.

Its an insidious, evil, bastard that meanders in and out of peoples lives for no real reason, or rhyme.

I dont know know how you are going to do it, but somehow, he needs to get there. I noticed a HUGE difference once my wife got on the meds to even her out.

Maybe some sort of intervention, I dont know, just something, just convince him, it can and will get better.

Not sure if this helps, at the very least know that you are not alone

[DriftyAlison0]

Need help with husbands depression

I say if suicide is a chance even if you think he wouldn't follow through, I would still get help now because you may be wrong and/or over time, he may change to could and would so I would seek help now.

If you ever need it here is a site to get help if you need it for the suicide risk. Suicide.org: Suicide Prevention, Suicide Awareness, Suicide Support - Suicide.org! Suicide.org! Suicide.org!

[RingingCedars]

Need help with husbands depression

Raven, I'm really sorry to see you back here with the same problem and I am still very concerned for your children and you as we discussed on this thread last December.
https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...ml#post1417955
Please review that thread and consider carefully your options with safety in mind.
Violence is never acceptable. You and your children do not deserve violence. I suggest you should make that appointment for you for guidance and support. I don't know what else I can offer but these suggestions and love to you.

[kuya]

Need help with husbands depression

I think you have to give him the ultimatum......get help or I leave. You could do it as couples counselling initially to ensure he is engaging. The counsellor will quickly see he needs additional help.

You are jeopardising your own happiness and safety and that of your son. What your husband is doing is bullying, selfish and constitutes violence without blows.

He accepts help or you leave till he does. He doesn't sound that nice even with a job so he needs third party help in any event.

Good luck, be brave, there is more to life than money.

[TheSunFlower]

Need help with husbands depression

Depression is awful. I know that I have been through dark days....but, somehow I never managed to see it as depression.

I personally, do not think some one in this state would do well with an ultimation. If you do it....you have to follow through and then if something disastrous happens you and your family have to live with the guilt.

I think a loving intervention.....with a counselor present is the way to go.

[Wildflowers]

Need help with husbands depression

Dear Raven,

As you likely know you can't force your hubs to go to the Dr. You could give him an ultimatum, but I don't think this is a good idea!... He's already proven in the past that he's a threat to your children & you.

Does he go to Church with you? Does he have any friends, family, or church members that he would listen to. It sounded like he had displaced resentment towards you. Transference of his anger. But, he could have some other medical issue. None of us here are qualified to diagnose either of you.

From the sounds of it your situation its continuing to decline. It's likely not going to get better without professional help as you've stated. Some of us here tried to guide you last winter.

If he becomes violent, or threatens any of you, including himself, please call 911.... If he makes any comments, at all about suicide call ASAP.....

I hope you won't stop your meds just because your feeling better. That you will discuss with your Dr first. :l

[Nelz]

Need help with husbands depression

Wildflowers;1478748 wrote: Dear Raven,

As you likely know you can't force your hubs to go to the Dr. You could give him an ultimatum, but I don't think this is a good idea!... He's already proven in the past that he's a threat to your children & you.

Does he go to Church with you? Does he have any friends, family, or church members that he would listen to. It sounded like he had displaced resentment towards you. Transference of his anger. But, he could have some other medical issue. None of us here are qualified to diagnose either of you.

From the sounds of it your situation its continuing to decline. It's likely not going to get better without professional help as you've stated. Some of us here tried to guide you last winter.

If he becomes violent, or threatens any of you, including himself, please call 911.... If he makes any comments, at all about suicide call ASAP.....

I hope you won't stop your meds just because your feeling better. That you will discuss with your Dr first. :l

Yeah that! First hand experience tells me so........Ive seen some bad reaction to that. And it got better as soon as the meds started up again.

[Siren136]

Need help with husbands depression

I agree, if you give him an ultimatum, do it from a safe distance. Make it clear that you are not coming home unless he gets help. But also make it very clear that you fully intend to come home if he gets help. Keep safe!

[techie]

Need help with husbands depression

The safety and protection of children comes first always. That is non-negotiable. Everything else in secondary. I wish you and your family all the best in resolving these issues!

[Byrdlady]

Need help with husbands depression

Staying in a miserable abusive relationship produces really screwed up kids. You are looking at one of them. If he laid a finger on an innocent child, I'd cut his balls off. Sorry, but these people do not just miraculously improve. No, they sow their seeds and it lives on in their children. That is exactly why I didn't have any, I was afraid I would hit them for no reason, like my mother did me. If you don't think your children are picking this up, you must turn a new eye to them. I don't know what is going on in that home, but if he is hurting your children there is NO EXCUSE you could give me to forgive/forget that. Get some help or get out. Yes, it IS that simple. Those precious children are depending on you. B

[nancy]

Need help with husbands depression

can he be reasoned with?

Sounds like a terrible situation.
I think you should book the appointment for him.

Can he be reasoned with at all? Your point that he won't be in a good state for employment is important and maybe that will get through to him. Being unemployed can be very damaging for self-esteem but depression over it might prevent him from working again. In my experience, anti-depressants can be very helpful in a time of crisis and then you can wean off of them once you get through. In Europe they are used that way. I wonder if he would be open to a temporary trial if he thinks it might help with the employment situation.

I think you should also encourage him to exercise regularly.

[Wagoneer]

Need help with husbands depression

Raven2012;1478712 wrote: . Sometimes rages uncontrolably and has hurt the kids. That was BEFORE he lost his job. Now its worse.

Two words. GET OUT. I'm sorry, but you cannot let this happen. I was married to someone like that. Half-assed suicide attempts, constant WHY ME, out of work...then I realized that this was of his own making. The moment he raised a hand to one of our girls, that was it. You are not responsible for his happiness. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around someone who would let their husand harm their children and STAY. That is just not right.

Just my opinion.