Blacked out... cheated

[Lilith]

Hi all, new here... Glad to have found this forum with people that are potentially understanding of my situation. I'm searching for advice. I have been in a committed relationship for over 4 years and never, ever think of cheating. Flashback to a year ago, I attended my company Christmas party. I got extremely drunk, blacked out, and messed around with a co-worker. I remember vague flashes of us just making out but someone said we disappeared into a conference room upstairs and I can't remember that part at all. I'm pretty positive all we did there was kiss and it didn't go further than that but I can't say that with 100% certainty... Anyway I felt like absolute shit for ages about this and after dwelling on it continuously, I opted to never tell my boyfriend. I considered it a one time lapse of which I would NEVER do again. I am not myself AT ALL when I blackout, everyone tells me this, and I know I've said and done other things (non-sexual) that I wouldn't ever even dream of doing sober. I'm very quiet and reserved while sober, but when I'm blacked out, I am the absolute life of the party every time.

Now flash forward to this year's Christmas party. I was not planning on attending given what happened last year, even though the co-worker I made out with no longer works with me. All of my colleagues were asking if I was going and at first I kept saying no, then got convinced that I would be fine this time since that guy wasn't going to be there and I intended on pacing myself on drinks. (Also my boyfriend doesn't attend these with me due to conflicts with his work schedule, I don't intentionally not bring him).

Anyway, I blacked out AGAIN and somehow ended up making out with and getting fingered by a guy that showed up at the party with his male friend that I work with. I vaguely know him as acquaintances but I know he is also in a committed relationship. I have absolutely no idea how we ended up alone together in the first place. All I can ask myself is WHAT THE HELL is wrong with me? This has only ever happened at these company Christmas parties. I've blacked out in other places, at bars, around attractive men and have never done anything like this. I know because in these instances I have the partial flashes of memory and also, I'm always around friends or my boyfriend and would be told if I did anything questionable.

I am riddled with overwhelming guilt but I know that person was not me! I am not sure if I should say anything to my boyfriend this time since it's the second occurrence... I don't know what telling him will benefit because he is innocent and telling him will make him feel that he did something wrong and it was all my fault. I don't want to put all the blame on alcohol because it technically was me doing it but I never would in the right mind!!! We are moving in together in about a month, obviously I love him and want to be with him. I feel bad for the guy I cheated with's girlfriend as well. I have no idea if he told her, haven't talked to him and don't want to! Alcohol caused this but I'm so upset that I just want to drink and take the edge off. I am so ashamed of my actions! :upset: I'm feeling so guilty and sick, it's taking me ages to post this after writing it, even knowing I won't be judged here.

[Byrdlady]

Blacked out... cheated

Lilith!
Come join us over in the Newbies Nest. We have folks in all stages of quitting. It's an active thread and someone is always around. Also, be sure to check out the Tool Box. Links to both are in my signature line. You will quickly see that you are NOT alone.
Personally, I see nothing to be gained by admitting this to your BF, but I do say this with a qualification....your blackout drinking must stop. If not, he will find out anyway, you know? But if you can wrap your head around quitting AL, I think you will find forgiveness for yourself on many levels. Give us 30 days alcohol free and see how you are feeling! I'd bet my lunch money you'll be a new person. Stop the madness before it goes any further. We can help! Byrdie

[mama bear]

Blacked out... cheated

Lilith
we have all done awful things drunk.
Byrdie is right....I hang out in the One Step at a Time thread and you always come hang there.
Get one day, then two day, and then more and you will stop beating yourself up.
Boyfriend does not need to know...
One step, one day at a time and you may be amazed at the new you.

[Jazi's Mum]

Blacked out... cheated

No Lilith you certainly won't be judged here. But the other ladies are correct: this kind of behaviour is not really 'you' but it is 'you on alcohol' and that you has just got to go....

Each day you are not drinking will put that foolish you further and further in the past. Start right now to prepare for the move-in with your boy friend. That gives you a month to sort things out in your head, and to let your body rest too. Stick around and do lots of reading and posting here so you won't get too down on yourself in isolation. Be good to yourself - in a 'real' way and things will be so much better.

And no, don't burden him with this trouble. Forgive yourself and move on.

[TJAF]

Blacked out... cheated

Lilith, from a guys perspective if you are truely happy in the relationship and this is the guy, telling him will do no good. Chalk it up to lesson learned (I hope) and move on. Dont think though that by me telling you not to share this with your boyfriend means that what happened was excusable or an isolated thing. Its not. Drinking to a point where you make really bad choices is a problem in and of itself. So,In my opinino what has to change is your drinking.

In your post you dont really explain your drinking patterns except to say that you have blacked out drinking more than just the two christmas parties. Any drinking that ends up with a blackout is a big ole warning sign and even if youv'e drank to the point of blacking out only a few times you certainly have cause to worry that in time you will develop more of a problem with booze. In my experience folks that drink to the point of blacking out lack the turn off switch when it comes to drinking and that is not a good thing. Take Byrdies advice and check out the newbie page. Lots of good advice and good people to share your issues, concerns, hopes and fears. I was a heavy drinker for years and years and would still be if it wasnt for this forum. Good Luck

[IAD]

Blacked out... cheated

If you blacked out ....how do you know you cheated !?! Ha! Sorry being factious......I 've blacked out and ended up in places where I did'nt know how or why I came to be their. I was'nt cheating per say..but I know how you feel. Remember: You can't do anything about the past......so move forward towards the future. Tony

[Rivergal]

Blacked out... cheated

At least you have the courage to admit to your blackouts. They are frightening. I am new here & committed to staying & working this program. I have to or I will wind up in jail or dead. I become insane when I drink but keep thinking I can control it. I can't.

[narilly]

Blacked out... cheated

Lilith, stay here with us. Read about recovery and like Byrdie says, give yourself 30 days AF. Obviously blacking out is a red flag. I agree with others that telling your boyfriend won't help matters. Forgive yourself and move forward. Go to the tool box and Neebies Nest. Read about recovery and you will find your way.
Don't beat yourself up anymore(try not too). You are your own worst critic.

Hang in there love,

[TrueGrit]

Blacked out... cheated

I think everyone else here has already answered amazingly but I wanted to touch down on the male aspect of this.

I hate when a member of my own gender goes to a party to scout around for women who have had too much to drink with the full intention of taking advantage of them and then go back to the water cooler the next day to brag about it.

I have been bragged to by douchebags like that before and I always snap at them. Usually I say something like "You loser, that woman was clearly hammered and instead of taking care of them and make sure she is safe you take advantage of her? There is no way she would have messed with your goofy, sorry ass if she was sober...I should kick your ass". They usually get butthurt and never speak to me again which is more than fine with me.

Sorry about the rant but that really pisses me off, if a woman is close to blacking out than a person can clearly tell that she is stumbling drunk...he should have made sure you have all your stuff and got you a cab ride home.

[mama bear]

Blacked out... cheated

True...you sound like a gentleman...and I like that!

[survivor093]

Re: Blacked out... cheated

So i have recently been on the other side of this- where my partner blacked out twice and cheated on me twice. He didn't tell me about the first time, but came clean the second time because he realized it was a problem that he thought he got under control after the first time, and then realized that he didn't. Honestly, I think that not telling someone the first time is okay- I would have done the same thing. But the second time, I think you owe it to him to be honest about who you are and where you're at in your struggle with alcohol just my perspective