I have reached my end and have given up

[Cornczech]

I will probably get banned or blocked here too. (let me preface this post with the statement that it is 6am and I am about to go to work and I HAVE NOT DRANK ANYTHING since last night....)

I was a member of another site....for women only. I had posted how horrible of a time I have been having maintaining my sobriety....I had gone 50 days...then my husband had a party and there were CASES of beer in the house and I slipped up and drank two of them.....then I was banned (or my post was removed) because, I was told that I had admitted to drinking and that was against the rules, (I never saw that rule, but never mind).....now..to ME, this is ridiculous! I wasn't drunk, abusive or anything "offensive" yet I had admitted I drank.....given in to my demon alcoholic brain....I wanted to try and get some dang HELP....not be told to "come back when I'm sober"....I thought I was trying to get HELP to maintain THAT elusive goal.....(shrug)

Banning someone for admitting they slipped an yet are not abusive, drunkenly all over the place...is well...to me...NOT HELPFUL AT ALL!!!

This is like telling a bum who is obviously needing help that you'll only help them if they stop smelling....because that smell is offensive.....so clean up, Mr needing my help desperately.....THEN I will help you...

at any rate, I bawled my eyes out...I REALLY was getting help and advice. Then I canceled my account. I have decided that some of the "sobriety" communities are really just glorified clubs and not really interested in helping....I mean...I AM AN ALCOHOLIC TRYING TO STOP....I slipped...then I am BANNED.....I mean, there are really people who shark around the comments on a site just LOOKING for excuses to remove someones post? I BEGGED for help on there!

So I give up. I have a husband who doesn't care and brings CASES of beer into the house....and I have now been banned from two sites...not for being abusive or rude or anything like that....but for admitting that I had TWO, (and this is for real two drinks....not the lie you might give your doctor if he asks...) beers and needed help with dealing with an alcoholic husband who brings beer into my house!!!!

Why bother? I obviously cannot do this alone....and i have discovered that really...I AM alone. Completely silenced, censored and....just another drunk nobody cares about.....

Sorry to "spew" on this site....I had nowhere else to go....AND SOMETIMES, BEFORE YOU DIE....YOU JUST WANT SOMEONE TO GIVE A $HIT...(sorry finger hit caps lock and I'm too tired to correct it...I'm not screaming....I got banned for using caps on the reddit site.....)..so please don't ban me or remove my post.....just let my "voice" be heard once before I die....just once can someone really listen to what I am trying to say and not simply block my voice.

Thanks ya'll

[NoSugar]

Please do not give up. You will not be banned or judged here for drinking. Telling the truth to yourself and your support group is exactly what you need to do. Please know that you are not alone. We have been there. This site can help you get free. Hang in there. You can do this and if you let us, we can help you.

[NoSugar]

Keep posting! Get it out here! I look back and can't believe what I wrote on a public forum but it helped so much. I doubt you will shock any of us - we have read it or done it. You aren't a bad person, Cornczech - you're addicted to a poison that the world told you was a good thing. You can get past an addiction. I didn't think I could but I did. You can, too.

[NoSugar]

Not many people are online right now but there is a group here who would love to help you stop drinking. Once you've gotten free, you want that for everyone. Stick with us and get through this day, then tomorrow we can do it again. Are you there reading now?

[Samstone]

Corncezch
I was going to say welcome, but you've been a member since 2012. You should really take your time and look through the toolbox : https://www.mywayout.org/community/sh...24253-Tool-box

No one's going to ban you for drinking. Sounds like there's a lot of things going on that get in your way of achieving your goal. Do you actually have a goal that you are aiming for? It can be as simple as "I won't drink today". If you get one day, that can be huge. Don't ever give up on yourself. You are worth it.
Sam

[Byrdlady]

CC, if we got banned for a relapse around here, we'd have 3 members, tops! Unfortunately, those relapses are part and parcel of this disease for many of us. However, knowledge is power! When you know better, you do better!
There are 2 links in my signature line: Tthe Newbie's Nest is a wonderful place to get your sober legs and as Sam mentioned above, the Tool Box is the gold standard for info on how to manage this disease we have.
You are certainly NOT ALONE! Come see us over in the nest, you can pull up a twig next to me! You will feel right as rain with a few sober days under your belt! Welcome back, Byrdie

[Lavande]

Glad to see you back CC!
Please stick around & post in the Newbies Nest for a while where lots of folks are just getting started. You can do this, we will help!

Lav

[JanCan]

NEVER give up. I won't if you won't. You are not alone. You matter and we do give a shit. Please post something so we know you are OK. People really do care and want to help.

[Cornczech]

Unfortunately I am at work... But I'm here. I didn't drink for 50 days and blew it with 2 beers last night

[All done drinking]

Hello CC - Good to meet you and glad you're back. Relapse is a BIG part of this disease, but guess what? Everyone learns from it. People can have YEARS under their belts and somehow that stinking thinking comes into their heads and they're back at it. Robin Williams the comedian had 20 something years under his belt when he relapsed a few years ago. We must all remain vigilant no matter how long we've been abstinent. The important thing is, you are here and not there!

All done drinking...Yes! (Addy)

[JanCan]

Two beers does not undo the 50 days you had and does not define you. You should be proud of that accomplishment. Just get right back on that horse and keep going. You can't focus on yesterday. Today is a new day.

[NoSugar]

Unfortunately I am at work... But I'm here. I didn't drink for 50 days and blew it with 2 beers last night

2 beers does not take those 50 days away from you, Cornczech. They are yours forever. If those days were a glimpse of how you want your life to be, go for it! Learn from the 2 measley beers you drank and move on. No one is perfect. Forgive yourself, let it go, and get back with your program. I hope you stick around - it helps so much to have friends who "get it" without your having to try to explain. And it all sounds crazy to people who haven't had the experience. See you later, NS

Just saw your post, JanCan - looks like we agree!!

[NoraC]

Hey CC - I'm at work now too so can't post much. Just wanted to say hello and glad to see you posting.
Great job on getting 50 days. You had slip up - get back to it and start racking them up again.
I think that any time spent AF is a good, healthy time. So, congratulations on that long stretch of AF.

[Cornczech]

Thanks ya'll... It's been a crappy day so far... Being banned made me cry. Back to work

[Cornczech]

I know all ya'll know how I feel.... Been there, right? I just feel lost today.... Like I'm the loud mouth in the Library that everyone wishes would shut up.... And I am feeling so low that I thought of death all am.... Yet I'm afraid to die! I know I have liver disease, but am too scared to go see the doc....
I just want to run.....and after my father died in 2012, I have the money to do so.... But a yellow acites death awaits if I do that