Back again

[Lalaland]

So, I started abstaining again, after my husband told me that I fell of our bed drunk in my sleep. I couldn't believe it. But the truth is that I started blacking out more often in the last few years. There would be times where I almost didn't remember what happened the night before and how I got to bed..
Few months ago I almost went two month without alcohol and decided I will moderate and start again on Halloween. I had my kid by myself for a weekend and took a taxi to friends house, because I knew I would be drinking. Taking a taxi back I was so drunk that I couldn't even open a door. Also made taxi driver stop at the liquor store and went to get more booze but they said they couldn't serve me...
Woke up the next morning with my son telling me that last night I walked strange and couldn't open a door (had to reach and open it through a cat door in screen window).. Well that didn't stop me and I drank still until the 19th of November.. Started taking Antabuse and lasted through Christmas and New Years without al.
Now my birthday coming up in a couple of month and I already planning a mini vacation where I'm suppose to celebrate quitting again for a few months and try to drink as a lady..
My husband is not convinced that two months will make a difference..
To tell to truth me neither. Part of me wants to go on and try for the first time to quit longer then two month and another part of me is screaming for alcohol to return. I've never been a smoker really, but started to smoke one cigarette after work just to take edge off. This is sucks. During the day I'm healthy going to the gym, eating right. But come night and I go crazy. I'm actually scared of myself. Even sober I seem to sabotage myself. Today I smoked two cigarettes and spend $50 on scratchers.. What next? How can I stop sabotaging myself and give myself a chance...

[Choices]

Hi Lalaland, (great name!)

Congrats on your sober time!

It sounds like you know what you should do... But the commitment to do it isn't quite there yet. We've all been through that. It can be overwhelming to think of never drinking again. One day at a time helps me a lot. It's good your already thinking about your upcoming birthday. So you can prepare for it. Blacking out is dangerous. For so many reasons. Especially when parenting a minor. I am similar in my drinking habit about having a healthy lifestyle during the day... Gym, healthy food etc.. And night time would bring out a whole other crazy side. While I thought I just needed to relax, drinking exhausted me and embarrassed me. My husband once told me that I fell out of bed too, when I had these bruises that I couldn't remember getting.. And I remember passing out when my husband was on a business trip. My daughter woke me crying, asking why I couldn't hear her. Ugh, just not good memories! I'm just sick of making them, and as much as I would have liked to drink like a lady.. I can't I'm just the drunk mom that nobody sets out to be. Well I was! I'm a lot happier without having to worry about my drinking anymore. It just makes life easier on my whole family.

[kuya]

Hi Lalaland...

So much in your post.

maybe address the anxiety the booze is covering, which you are now trying to cover with cigarettes and scratchies. There also may be a very simple solution to why you ladies are all good all day and fall apart at night.....you may not be eating enough. I say this because this was my problem.

I quit drinking and my smoking increased. I only realised when I quit smoking 9 months ago how much I avoided food, particularly in the evening.

One of the commonest patterns I see in alcoholism in women is the social pressure to be slim means many women won't eat enough but their brains learn that calories WILL be allowed as alcohol.

Most alcoholic women report avoiding food to increase the 'buzz' and this low blood sugar prior to drinking is the normal signal to EAT being hijacked by a desire to DRINK.

Now you are looking to soften the same anxiety with nicotine (which is an appetite suppressant) and scratchies which give temporary adrenaline hits/endorphins.

Perhaps try to eat a solid man-sized meal in the early evening and see if it helps.

[satz123]

Hi Lalaland...

So much in your post.

maybe address the anxiety the booze is covering, which you are now trying to cover with cigarettes and scratchies. There also may be a very simple solution to why you ladies are all good all day and fall apart at night.....you may not be eating enough. I say this because this was my problem.

I quit drinking and my smoking increased. I only realised when I quit smoking 9 months ago how much I avoided food, particularly in the evening.

One of the commonest patterns I see in alcoholism in women is the social pressure to be slim means many women won't eat enough but their brains learn that calories WILL be allowed as alcohol.

Most alcoholic women report avoiding food to increase the 'buzz' and this low blood sugar prior to drinking is the normal signal to EAT being hijacked by a desire to DRINK.

Now you are looking to soften the same anxiety with nicotine (which is an appetite suppressant) and scratchies which give temporary adrenaline hits/endorphins.

Perhaps try to eat a solid man-sized meal in the early evening and see if it helps.

Agree totally. Was what I did for years.
EAT

[Lalaland]

Hi, choices. Thank you SO much! It's good to know that there are people with similar story that were able to quit for good.
Can you just tell me how hard it was for you in the beginning and when it got easier, like on what month? When you said to yourself, that it is possible that you will stay quit perhaps forever..
And how do you feel now as far as social events and YOUR birthday. Do you hate it or just trying to skip it or tough it out or actually enjoy..
Thank you everyone for your support...

[Eloise]

hi Lalaland... I am going to answer too!

It was hard as hell in the beginning. It took me many times trying to stop, deciding it was okay to continue and finally (after like 7 years!) I realised there were too many reasons not to drink and not many to continue. When I finally decided I wasn't going to drink again ever, that was the moment I was able to stop.
I repeated to myself in my mind for weeks "I don't drink." I do the same thing now when I get one of those terrible headaches and I do not have medicine. And you know what? I live through it.
I didn't take medicine to stop but I did take lots of supplements (check the online line store here and then just go out and buy it locally). I think the All-in-One vitamin helped a lot, along with CalmForte and valerian tea. Any kind of tea that calms you down is good.
I took up Yoga and horse riding. That came after a year sober though. In the beginning I just focused on getting through each day and being as calm as possible.
It is possible Lalaland and so worth it. Today is 600 days sober for me, what a miracle. Life is so much easier now, less complicated and way more survivable.
I can't imagine how I would have coped with the last months if I were drinking.

oh, in the beginning (like first year) I avoided evening social gatherings.
I used to buy myself a present each week, later each month, to celebrate my little victories. You could have a birthday lunch and then maybe an evening massage. I think we all do the same thing as drinkers, the focus is always about drinking but people do live their lives happily without alcohol. You may think it isn't much fun now but once you get the hang of it you realise it is really just fine.
And you sleep better, and your memory improves with time. And no one tells you what you did the night before because you know what you did = bonus!!

[Lalaland]

You, guys, are amazing. Thank you, Eloise, for your reply.
I too was into yoga and even became an instructor.. Now I'm getting back to exercising and getting back to yoga and meditation is next.
I know it helps a lot. What I'm trying to do is to live my best possible life in these two months before my birthday and establish new habits and patterns. Especially after work, I come home late at night. Everyone is asleep and I usually will drink. And the next day I feel so tired that after dropping my son at school I go right back to sleep, until I have to go to work again. But when I don't drink I do all kinds of stuff during the day and have a lot of energy..
I know that I will probably drink on my birthday and during the summer because my father that I haven't seen in 8 years is coming to visit me from another country with his sister. They are both drinkers and we already have plans like Vegas and Tahoe and stuff..
And the thought of me not being able to drink and have "good times" with them terrifies me..
But after that summer I feel I would be able to try again to quit for good..
I know when I was pregnant and didn't drink I was the best version of myself. I was so calm and patient and serene.. I didn't care to get drunk, but still had half a glass of wine when I was going out with my hubby..
And even after baby was born I didn't really drink for months. And if I would I would have two glasses tops. But then slowly started increasing. I wonder if I go sober for longer periods of time and then start again, can I cut back like that time after baby? Or I'm just fooling myself..
It's very shameful to admit it but I like the feeling alcohol gives me so much that I can't let it go. I too started drinking at 13
And the only times I was away from it when I was pregnant and actually last year where I had three times almost two months sober..

[Choices]

Hi Lalaland,

I don't think it's shameful to admit liking or even loving the feeling you get from alcohol, I'm the same. I think it's a matter of falling more in like, love with the part you mentioned, feelings you have when you were sober for your pregnancy. The longer sober time I was able to clock the more the desire to drink, cravings just went away. I'll write more later my 3 year old Sara just woke up...

[Lalaland]

Well, I'm still not drinking. And today after work I only had one cigarette and didn't buy any scratchers..
I noticed I only want to do this after work and have some sort of stress relief, but when I'm off and spending time with my family I don't even want to do anything like that.
So tomorrow I will try to meditate after work instead.
I hope somebody reads this and will try to encourage me to do even better..

[Lalaland]

Today was day 21 without al. In a week it will be one month..

[Eloise]

Day 21? Awesome! Ya see, you can definitely do this and as your birthday approaches I think you will re-evaluate if drinking with your dad is the best plan?
Alcohol will not be what makes your meeting pleasant.