w/c 7th

[Mick]

morn all ...just a quick jump in .. to say it is freezing is an understatement ..not sure yet whether we are going detecting....if so it will be local...I dont think we will be ..
anyways just a quick hello..hope you are all doing well..

hiya Lav..hows you then today..sorry about the lad you know that lost his life.When I decided to leave the army ,I applied to join the prison service,police and fire service.At the time ,the police knocked me back because I had got tattoos, but I passed for both the prison service ..and Staffordshire Fire and Rescue..it was just a brigade then I think. 2 of my 3 cousins were fire bobbies in Glasgow,so it was a racing cert thats where I was going...but I didnt ha ha...same as my dad and his dad etc ...did millions of years in the navy ...I joined the army!
I recall my eldest cousin telling me about being on watch one night and they got a shout to an rta...he was the senior man on the station,and the engine was on its way ...but they got a message to divert..they wouldnt let them go..The reason ? it was his brother..in one hell of a mess ..they brought him back twice, and cut him out etc..he ended up in a pretty bad way but survived..
the message here? make every day count ..you never know ...

guess I better put a coupla jokes in!

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Two Priests Decide to go to Hawaii for a Vacation...

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight toward them, They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady'.

'Yes, Father'?

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are'?

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen'.


Economics Simplified

In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt, depressed by the global financial crisis.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.

The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesale supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future.


BINGO! THE SOLUTION TO THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS!

A Puerto Rican buys a Cadilac and drives it home. He then decides to go cruising at night but the car wouldn't move...

So he gets up in the morning and with a miracle the car moves. So he takes it to the dealer and tells the sales guy what the problem is.

The sales guy with wonder all over his face says: wtf a car does not know when is day time and when is night time..

The Puerto Rican assures him that this Cadillac knows, so they waite till night time then the sales guy says ok lets see what the problem is, and tells the Puerto Rican to drive.

The Puerto Rican gets in the car, starts it up and puts the car in N for night-time...

NEWS BREAKING HEALTH WARNING


If you should receive an email from the NHS Direct warning of catching swine flu from eating tinned pork.


Ignore it.


Its just spam


A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside" she asked earnestly?

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet", counselled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit".

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 7th

Mae everybody,Mick,oh those jokes cracked me up haha Pie,chair looks awesome! PQ,I need to cut grocery costs too,,I tend to just throw crap in the cart not looking at prices then still hafta make daily trips to the store,ugh,Lav very,very sad about that firefighter I agree,life is to short and we just never know. Det,hope to hear from you today,waves to Sam,SK,SF hoping we all have a safe,sober Sunday

[Pie]

Re: w/c 7th

MAE All,

What does the w/c mean in our thread title?

[Samstone]

Re: w/c 7th

morn all
bit chill this AM, trying to pry myself to got out and feed. When I got up it was a balmy 2º F. Had to get the wood stove cranking again. One day I suppose I'll need another heat source when I'm older, that is when I grow up. Well I guess there's no putting it off.... off to see if the tractor will start! Have a lovely day one and all.

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 7th

MAE All,

What does the w/c mean in our thread title?

Hah...I had to ask the same question. It stands for Week Commencing.

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 7th

MAE ALL...

Mick...It's got to be hard detecting when it's so cold out. If you go you stay warm. After I get another brew I'll read the jokes.

Pauly...you grocery shopping sounds exactly like mine. I'm sure there's some tips on the internet to get us headed in the right direction. I'll let you know if I find anything.

Pi...what's your plan for today?

Sam...I don't think I'll bother growing up. LOL Hope you got the tractor going.

Det...you doing ok?

One last day of mild temps then Wed/Thu will see us at a high of -4F. Will try to get the proper groceries in to see me till Friday. LOL
Have a Super Sober Sunday all...:smile:PPQP

[SKendall]

Re: w/c 7th

Hello everyone.

Just a shout out to Det. If you drink at every stress and discomfort, You will never quit. Accept that life has constant challenges and no Disney ending. The Buddhist faith is just that, life is hard and here is how you can get through it. A counselor once told me the next time I wanted to drink because of discomforts is to just sit in the problem and not run away from it. It's a way to be unafraid of your life and future
You are much loved and I've known you from almost the beginning and Roberta Jewell was still posting. and we all want to see you get off the merry go round.

I remember you stopping Lexapro a while ago. Maybe give that a shot again, if you still have health coverage. Onward and Upward my friend.

[Lavande]

Re: w/c 7th

Good evening Abbers,

It was 3 degrees F this morning - tiresome, really. Tomorrow we are getting some snow/ice event that no one ordered.
Mick, I hope you decided to stay in & stay cozy today. I spent the day inside except for a quick trip to the supermarket for supplies.
My heart is so heavy today thinking about that young guy. I keep thinking about his poor mother knowing that I could easily be in her shoes at any time.
One thing I can say is that I have had no thoughts about trying to drink this pain away. it didn't work in the past & it won't work now!

Sam, it seemed less cold today because the high winds finally stopped. I let my chickens out for some sunshine for the first time in days. And I got another egg today, ha ha!!
Those girls are taking a real winter break.

Hi Pauly & PQ!
I always worked with the 'cook once eat many times' theory, LOL
Last thing I wanted to do was to get home from work & begin preparing a meal. I cooked big pots of soup & spaghetti sauces & that kind of stuff on my day off. I also roasted a chicken or roast beef or pork or something so the fridge was full. That way when I got home all I had to do was pull out the leftovers, cook up fresh pasta, veggies, make a salad, that sort of thing. Took some of the pain out of preparing dinner each night. We had one meatless dinner per week & one 'breakfast' for dinner night too. When you shop pick up bacon, eggs, pancake mix or whatever you would choose. Pick up a chicken & some other meat to roast & tons of veggies for your side dishes & soup pot

SK, I also subscribe to Buddhist theories, learned a lot from doing just a bit of reading.

Det, I hope you check in soon, thinking of you.

Have a peaceful night everyone!

Lav

[Mick]

Re: w/c 7th

Morningall how are we ? very cold but sunny over here..never went detecting yesterday...we were going to go to the beach,but the tides were wrong..so did some work at home.so without further ado lets move on ..but firsta brew....


hiya Lav...brew for you ...yes I stayed in ...never went out...even the rabbits said no!!re the young lad that died..it is sad ..and so nearer home for you as the mum of a fire bobby,...the one thing big time in your favour is the lack of motivation to drink ..and well done for that ..yes its easy to say Ive done big time no drink, but the fact is that switch could flick at any time ..despite or protestations ..so yes have a drink ...my java ..x

Hiya sk ...hows you then? long time no see ...and yes drink does not get rid of the discomfort ..my choice is to write it all down no matter how scrambled and separate it to individual pillars and address them ...

hiya ppqp...nope I aint growing up either!!how are you today then?all ok I hope..making a big pot of leek and lentil soup today..oops re abbreviations ....w/c with the slash is week commencing ...but w.c without the slash is water closet ..toilet!!

hiya Sam..well did you get the tractor started ok?..hows the cold doing as well are you and the mrs over it yet?think the wood stove on is a def good idea!!

hiya pie ...how are you then?hope all is well.you doing any more chairs or any other projects on the go?apologies for the w/c..

hi det how are you ...lets know how you are doing friend even if its just an Im ok..

pauly and a good morning to you.how are you doing today then ? hoe all is well ..lets see if I can dig some jokes oot....

"Get this", said a guy to his friend, "last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house".

"Did he get anything", his friend asked?

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk again".

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling it had grown

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He became quite besotted with Clearly and after while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing........







(Get ready, it's good...)







"I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone".


A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"

As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"


A Lonely Guy...

decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual animal. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.


He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.


So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me for a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”


But again there was no answer from his new pet. So he waited a few more minutes, thinking about the situation and he decided to ask him one more time. This time, he put his face up against the centipede’s little house he shouted, “HEY, IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK`S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?”


A little voice came out of the box, “I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I`M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!”

[Pie]

Re: w/c 7th

Week Commencing versus Water Closet? Think I can keep those two straight! Thanks for the translations, PQ and Mick.

Lav, I sorry for the tragic loss of your firefighter friend.

SK, I appreciate wise words. Thanks for sharing those thoughts.

Sam, Wish I could empathize with the need for another heat source due to aging. For me and a lot of women, the situation is opposite. And for no good reason. Apparently the internal thermostat just breaks. If duct tape could fix it, I'd be all over it.

I have an easy schedule, and looking forward to the day.

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 7th

Mae everybody,great jokes Mick thank you I have been having the worst sleep and its driving me bananas! I wonder if I'm getting too hot? Vitamins are different? On edge thinking of Kell having the baby? Who knows,,text Det yesterday and I'm sure he'll probly check in today,he seems AF and ok tho Lav,I try to do the leftovers thing with meats I cook and it helps,I mostly love the crock pot cuz I can slam it all in and dinners ready for us when we want,made a roast yesterday and it was yummy much love to all and wishes for a nice AF Monday

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 7th

MAE ALL...

Mick...I think it's just as well you didn't go out detecting. So it was the tide that changed your mind or did Julie have anything to do with it. LOL The initials for our ranch in Duchess were also WC. Yes we got a lot of ribbing over that.

Pi...I have no idea what my schedule is going to be like today. Two weeks off and start of the month I have a bit of catching up to do.

Pauly...thanks for checking in with Det, hopefully he'll post today. What is/was Kell's actual due date? I was sure it would be a Christmas baby and then kept looking for an announcement for the 1st New Year Baby.

Time to get my rear in gear. Have a good one all....:smile:PPQP

[Lavande]

Re: w/c 7th

Greetings Abbers,

After two weeks of artic-like temperatures we are now being blessed with an ice storm
I really hate this sh*t, no kidding. I'm worried about everyone out on the roads.

Mick, I have consumed so much coffee that I am now mixing it with decaf - 1/2 & 1/2. Too much caffeine & my B/P goes thru the roof but thanks
I am trying to make sense of this tragedy but there really is no sense to it really. He died doing what he loved to do but still.....

Pauly, in addition to changing hormones & the excitement of the new baby we have also just had a full moon. All those things can increase hot flashes. Just ask me, I'm the expert on those damn things.

PQ. so how was your day?

Sam, not sure if this ice storm is affecting you or not - stay warm buddy. I hear it's heading up to 40 later this week, yay!

Pie, what's your next project in the restoration department?

Det, hope you are OK.

Wishing everyone a peaceful night!

Lav

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 7th

Lav...I was expecting a busy day but OMG! You'd think everyone had lost their marbles over the 2 week break, staff and clients! Trying to catch up and put out fires along the way was a lesson in patience believe you me. We're headed into a deep freeze tomorrow which will bring it's own challenges. Gotta say, it's a good thing I don't drink! Escaping into my book now. Have a peaceful night.

[Mick]

Re: w/c 7th

morning all..how are we today?hope all is well...got a phone call from the dentist yestrday ..it has been rescheduled for today...eeek...not looking forward to it....so lets have a quick brew before I get ready ..

det where are you friend ..??????


My husband bought me a mood ring for Christmas.


When I'm in a good mood it turns green.


When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.


Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old grand-daughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, all to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch- hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Stress Management

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

An elephant was drinking at a watering hole when a turtle approached.

The elephant looked at the turtle for a minute and then gave it a swift kick. The turtle flew through the air and landed several hundred feet away.

A zebra standing close by asked, "Why did you kick that turtle?"

"Well," the elephant replied, "That turtle bit my foot 20 years ago. That was payback."

"How do you know it was the same turtle?"

The elephant looked at the zebra a minute and said,

"I have turtle recall."

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.

"Don't worry", the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white-collar crime too".

"Well, that's a relief" sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading".

"Oh, nothing fancy like that for me" qualified the convict. "I just killed a couple of Priests".

An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out :

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus", he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me". The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out : "Oii whack, would you be Jesus"? Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle"! Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.

Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle"!!!

Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability"!