It hasn't been so far... but then there is always a Day 1.
Today. Hopefully. That's the plan.
There are 24 days left of January. It's been said that it takes 21 days for a habit to take hold. So it would be good to break the habits of old and create a new one.
A large part of me doesn't want to do this. But another part of me (I like to think the honest part, the part open to the reality of things) says i need to.
So I'm going to write where I am. It's for me. Selfishly.
I was thinking back on my drinking habits over the last year and there appears to be a pattern. Put simply: if I'm not working the following day (or running a race), I allow myself to drink in the evening more than is recommended. My drinking has changed a little since I first came here in 2012. Then it was a bottle of wine a night - week nights included and weekends would be topped up with additional pints. Although running had curbed my drinking a bit, it was still excessive.
Today, I don't drink wine so much - just the beer. But the units drunk would be similar on a Saturday night or nightly if it were the holidays. I still get up early, run and do stuff if I've been drinking the night before, but just that a depressing mist lingers over me. Teaching - work - does prevent me from drinking during the week... or to limit it to a single beer.
I came back here last summer because the summer holidays had led to daily (nightly) drinking. I looked forward to 3pm which, i deemed, was a legitimate time to head to the pub for a pint. Just the one. I wasn't drinking with anyone. And then I'd wait until 8pm before i opened a few cans. Once school started, I tried to ban AL altogether during the week. Succeeded by and large for the first term, but since the middle of November I was allowing myself a beer before bed while watching the next instalment of some programme or other on Netflix.
It's not rock bottom. I don't know what that is. But there are some truths that lead me to think "something's not quite right here" - such as:
- I think about, look forward to and plan for ensuring I can go home and have at least a beer (even if I've been out, such as the xmas nights out)
- I use it emotionally. Part of me wonders whether I drink deliberately because I can't articulate something, can't open up. (This is a bit of a biggy with me: i have debated with myself daily for years about whether to open up to about historical stuff. Sorry, cryptic that, but I know what I mean.) So i cover it in a halcyon glow of inebriation.
- I began hiding it again - whenever i visited my folks, I'd ensure I had (at least) a couple of cans in the bag for beer before bed.
- I remember the clarity i had when I was 9 months AF - I don't have that so much. It can also take until Tuesday for me to feel more awake if I've had a drunk Saturday night.
- I drink mostly alone... Possible because I live alone. Oddly, the one time I was little tipsy in public was at a work xmas dinner - had 3 pints, (went home to have more alone), yet had that did-i-make-a-fool-of-myself feeling the following morning. Impossible to say whether I would have had it had I not had more to drink when I'd gone home, or whether drinking in company can actually make me feel a bit guilty/down? Dunno... Another two work occasions I was at I either did not drink or had a max of 2 drinks. Survived both. Though to say "survive" seems wrong for social occasions which should be fun and celebratory.
- I am worried about my physical health - read: liver. I had blood tests a couple of years back. There was a tiny spike or something in one of the tests. Doc said nothing to be concerned about but would like to do more tests. I bolted. Never got it done. Ignored it. I think it's to do with the accumulation of drinking over the last 20 years. I know - I should get it looked at. But I'd like my act to clean up before I get an MOT.
Another reason giving up would be - i hope - good, is that i eat shit - salty processed meat and pretzels or crisps of some sort - when I'm drinking. Eating is another issue I need to get to grips with. Drinking doesn't help.
So 24 days to start a new (good) habit. It's actually one of a number of new habits I'd like to create. Dealing with AL is just a part of it, but I think quite a fundamental part as it can affect me emotionally, especially when it's been a heavier evening of self-indulgence. And I can't see so clear. But it is one day at a time. Today my aim is simply to pack for school and go to bed without having had a single drink.
And so onward with day 1 -
Today. Hopefully. That's the plan.
There are 24 days left of January. It's been said that it takes 21 days for a habit to take hold. So it would be good to break the habits of old and create a new one.
A large part of me doesn't want to do this. But another part of me (I like to think the honest part, the part open to the reality of things) says i need to.
So I'm going to write where I am. It's for me. Selfishly.
I was thinking back on my drinking habits over the last year and there appears to be a pattern. Put simply: if I'm not working the following day (or running a race), I allow myself to drink in the evening more than is recommended. My drinking has changed a little since I first came here in 2012. Then it was a bottle of wine a night - week nights included and weekends would be topped up with additional pints. Although running had curbed my drinking a bit, it was still excessive.
Today, I don't drink wine so much - just the beer. But the units drunk would be similar on a Saturday night or nightly if it were the holidays. I still get up early, run and do stuff if I've been drinking the night before, but just that a depressing mist lingers over me. Teaching - work - does prevent me from drinking during the week... or to limit it to a single beer.
I came back here last summer because the summer holidays had led to daily (nightly) drinking. I looked forward to 3pm which, i deemed, was a legitimate time to head to the pub for a pint. Just the one. I wasn't drinking with anyone. And then I'd wait until 8pm before i opened a few cans. Once school started, I tried to ban AL altogether during the week. Succeeded by and large for the first term, but since the middle of November I was allowing myself a beer before bed while watching the next instalment of some programme or other on Netflix.
It's not rock bottom. I don't know what that is. But there are some truths that lead me to think "something's not quite right here" - such as:
- I think about, look forward to and plan for ensuring I can go home and have at least a beer (even if I've been out, such as the xmas nights out)
- I use it emotionally. Part of me wonders whether I drink deliberately because I can't articulate something, can't open up. (This is a bit of a biggy with me: i have debated with myself daily for years about whether to open up to about historical stuff. Sorry, cryptic that, but I know what I mean.) So i cover it in a halcyon glow of inebriation.
- I began hiding it again - whenever i visited my folks, I'd ensure I had (at least) a couple of cans in the bag for beer before bed.
- I remember the clarity i had when I was 9 months AF - I don't have that so much. It can also take until Tuesday for me to feel more awake if I've had a drunk Saturday night.
- I drink mostly alone... Possible because I live alone. Oddly, the one time I was little tipsy in public was at a work xmas dinner - had 3 pints, (went home to have more alone), yet had that did-i-make-a-fool-of-myself feeling the following morning. Impossible to say whether I would have had it had I not had more to drink when I'd gone home, or whether drinking in company can actually make me feel a bit guilty/down? Dunno... Another two work occasions I was at I either did not drink or had a max of 2 drinks. Survived both. Though to say "survive" seems wrong for social occasions which should be fun and celebratory.
- I am worried about my physical health - read: liver. I had blood tests a couple of years back. There was a tiny spike or something in one of the tests. Doc said nothing to be concerned about but would like to do more tests. I bolted. Never got it done. Ignored it. I think it's to do with the accumulation of drinking over the last 20 years. I know - I should get it looked at. But I'd like my act to clean up before I get an MOT.
Another reason giving up would be - i hope - good, is that i eat shit - salty processed meat and pretzels or crisps of some sort - when I'm drinking. Eating is another issue I need to get to grips with. Drinking doesn't help.
So 24 days to start a new (good) habit. It's actually one of a number of new habits I'd like to create. Dealing with AL is just a part of it, but I think quite a fundamental part as it can affect me emotionally, especially when it's been a heavier evening of self-indulgence. And I can't see so clear. But it is one day at a time. Today my aim is simply to pack for school and go to bed without having had a single drink.
And so onward with day 1 -
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