Drinking and Infidelity

[survivor093]

Hey all!

So, I have had my fair share of terrible decisions and choices related to drinking and getting blacked out. In the last year or so, I have significantly cut down on drinking and this post is actually in regards to my partner, and I need some advice.

About a week ago, my boyfriend of about 10 months confessed that the night before he had gotten black out drunk and had sex with someone. When I asked him if it was the first time, he said no- that it had happened about 6 months before. He said he didn't want to tell me the first time, because he never thought it would happen again, but then when it happened again he realized it was a problem and needed to tell me. He has now decided to quit drinking, because it's not worth the risk.

I am working towards forgiving him and have known he has a binge drinking problem for a while. However, I feel weird/guilty about being "the reason" that he is stopping. Do you think this is a good reason to quit drinking and should I stay around to support him as he does this?

[Byrdlady]

Re: Drinking and Infidelity

Survivor, gosh, you must be having all sorts of emotions. First of all, welcome to MWO.
Most of us here are not family members, but the actual alcoholics, but here is what I see from my vantage point.
If he has lost control with AL, his relationship with it is not going to improve until he stops drinking. (that took me a LONG time to accept). I could beat around the bush, but that's the bottom line.
If he doesn't stop drinking, he is probably going to do be unfaithful again.
I was married 24 years and finally, my husband had enough of my drinking (I was not unfaithful, just a mess). He packed his clothes and left. I had a HARD decision to make....fight to get him back or drink. I fought and I'm so glad I did. At first, I resented him for doing that to me (making me choose) but it ended up saving my life. Now I am nothing but GRATEFUL. Do I wish I could drink normally? YES. Is it worth continuing to try? NO. There is too much at stake.
Your relationship may or may not last, but if he's sober, you will be able to judge the man (vs. the AL) so in my opinion, there is nothing to lose and everything to gain by his quitting.
I hope the answers become clearer to you over time. I wish you all the best! Byrdie

[survivor093]

Re: Drinking and Infidelity

Thanks so much Byrdlady, I really appreciate this perspective

[4theboyz]

Re: Drinking and Infidelity

I am sorry but with the description of your situation and relationship I have a few observations. 2 affairs already in just 10 months is not just from a drinking problem IMO, this man sounds immature and lacking the moral compass to make a commitment to a monogamous relationship. I have been trying to stay sober for over 11 years and in my 7th recovery program and all my previous attempts I did it for my kids....that lasted 9 months, then I did it just to be a social drinking....bad decision. One time I did it for my wife to prove I could control my drinking. Easy enough as all I had to do was make the appearance that I was being a good sober husband but now I went into closet drinking. There is nothing left in my life that my drinking hasn't sullied and this time I am getting sober for me first and foremost. I am the one that needs convincing that I can actually live a happy sober life and then and only then will I have the credentials to prove to others I am not only sober but trustworthy. That is the highest hurdle I have to clear. Quitting drinking is easy compared to recovering. Recovering is healing the pain that demands we drink to numb that pain and finding positive choices to make in place of AL. He needs your support but protect yourself as well as alkies will use the ones who still offer sympathy and encouragement. Put his feet to the flames and make sure you make it clear to him to clean up his act for himself first and foremost and there could be hope but no more chances if he screws up. Good luck.