I haven't had a drink at 6 days, and I'm really glad about it. It's not my first attempt at permanent sobriety, and I've spent all of September trying to get even 3 days in a row. I'm annoyed with myself tonight, but I'm trying to remember to take it easy, and to be gentle with myself. I've lived years of happy sober living, never feeling like I'm missing out, never wanting to return to a life of drinking. But if I don't maintain active sober social connections, my addiciton somehow convinces me to take that first drink. Once I was convinced that having one glass of wine would greatly improve my marriage. Once it was because I had graduated from college, and once it was because I had to give up cheese. Yes. Cheese.
Maybe you are like me- lots of people are. I know what appropriate drinking looks like, and I often have the power to have one or two when in a formal social occasion. Most often, though, once I have one, I have many. Maybe I'll stop at 2 or 3, but maybe not.*I hate the party culture, I don't like the bar scene, and I meet most of my friends for coffee or dinner. I don't have a life that revolves around alcohol at all,* but yet my life completely revolves around alcohol whether I'm drinking it or not.
It was hard to notice at first. Luckly (?), I used to smoke, back when you could still smoke indoors and Curt Cobain was alive. When I quit, I felt great once I got over the physical withdrawal. I stopped meeting other smokers during work breaks, I stopped fighting with my boyfriend over the last cigarette, and I stopped planning my smoke*escape during extended family visits. I felt free.
But then, just as carefree,*I'd drive by the gas station and pick up a pack and a new lighter (since I had thrown all of mine away because I'd "never need one again"). And I would immediately go right back to plotting for that next smoke, trying to ensure I'd always have time and access to smoke, and seeking out other smokers.
I see the same pattern with drinking.**Even when I'm moderating well, I'm ensuring access to alcohol or choosing to have a beer after work instead of going for a walk or talking to the kids.
My last attempt at moderation showed me that it's not right for me. Although it was wrapped in limited release brewery nights, long summer evenings in front of a fire or hitting a tavern to watch a local band, I felt like they were all just scenery to dress up the main attraction: alcohol.
I felt tired, mentally weak, and somewhat depressed throughout, and I didn't do one thing I enjoyed over the summer. I have so many hobbies and interests, but I spent a lot of time zoned out on the couch, tired and lonely.
I want my alcohol-free life back, but I know I need to make some changes to make that stick. I'm enveloped in a drinking culture. My husband drinks every day, and I find myself getting overconfident in my ability to remember that there is no such thing as moderation for me.
I've learned a lot along the way. I've battled my way through drunken, boring weddings and Octoberfests joyfully AF, but I'm looking to my internal landscape this time around. I think that's my way out. I smell a challenge there, and I don't want to back down. I'm going to win this time, and I'm excited to see where this new chapter leads.
Maybe you are like me- lots of people are. I know what appropriate drinking looks like, and I often have the power to have one or two when in a formal social occasion. Most often, though, once I have one, I have many. Maybe I'll stop at 2 or 3, but maybe not.*I hate the party culture, I don't like the bar scene, and I meet most of my friends for coffee or dinner. I don't have a life that revolves around alcohol at all,* but yet my life completely revolves around alcohol whether I'm drinking it or not.
It was hard to notice at first. Luckly (?), I used to smoke, back when you could still smoke indoors and Curt Cobain was alive. When I quit, I felt great once I got over the physical withdrawal. I stopped meeting other smokers during work breaks, I stopped fighting with my boyfriend over the last cigarette, and I stopped planning my smoke*escape during extended family visits. I felt free.
But then, just as carefree,*I'd drive by the gas station and pick up a pack and a new lighter (since I had thrown all of mine away because I'd "never need one again"). And I would immediately go right back to plotting for that next smoke, trying to ensure I'd always have time and access to smoke, and seeking out other smokers.
I see the same pattern with drinking.**Even when I'm moderating well, I'm ensuring access to alcohol or choosing to have a beer after work instead of going for a walk or talking to the kids.
My last attempt at moderation showed me that it's not right for me. Although it was wrapped in limited release brewery nights, long summer evenings in front of a fire or hitting a tavern to watch a local band, I felt like they were all just scenery to dress up the main attraction: alcohol.
I felt tired, mentally weak, and somewhat depressed throughout, and I didn't do one thing I enjoyed over the summer. I have so many hobbies and interests, but I spent a lot of time zoned out on the couch, tired and lonely.
I want my alcohol-free life back, but I know I need to make some changes to make that stick. I'm enveloped in a drinking culture. My husband drinks every day, and I find myself getting overconfident in my ability to remember that there is no such thing as moderation for me.
I've learned a lot along the way. I've battled my way through drunken, boring weddings and Octoberfests joyfully AF, but I'm looking to my internal landscape this time around. I think that's my way out. I smell a challenge there, and I don't want to back down. I'm going to win this time, and I'm excited to see where this new chapter leads.
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