Starting my quit

[NoMoreIgnoring]

Hi Everyone

I've read lots of threads for some time; I've been one of those lurkers during the past two and half years. I've never been sure how to start the conversation, and also I felt intimidated with the fact that folks know one another on here. Which is stupidly insecure, as I know there was a point in time when each of you joined the conversation.

I'd like to join the conversation now.

And, in effect, this is a conversation; so I thought I don't need to lambaste the reader with my full story or all my thoughts on the first message. Things will come out over time. I need to stop being so detailed and over-analysing.

Right now, the key thing for me, I'm fed up with the void that I have created. I read a thread this evening that discussed rock bottom levels and hit a nerve.

I (luckily) haven't become homeless, I (luckily) haven't lost the ones I hold dear, but I have hit my rock bottom in the last six months; I created a void, a void that I visit daily as if on a treadmill - no one takes me to it, its simply me walking there day in day out...and I'm just perpetuating that rock bottom. I'm not sure how I will get out of; but I know I need to exit this; for my wife, kids and myself [though I know the first two priorities need the third to move up the ladder].

Anxiety is already kicking in, and I know it will continue. It seems to be one of the things holding me back for so long. It'll be bad later this morning, and my weakness will rise in my own witching hour. Reading other people's posts; I'm grateful for this site and its users for sharing their experiences. Its those experiences that tell me I'm not alone, and this is not insurmountable.

Its ten past midnight, and this is my day 1.

[Slo]

Re: Starting my quit

Welcome, NoMoreIgnoring! So glad you decided to hop in! I went from lurker to poster last year. Please join us in the Newbie’s Nest!

[NoSugar]

Re: Starting my quit

Welcome, NoMore

If you’ve been hanging around for a couple years, you probably already know many of us. It will be great for us to have a chance to get to know you! Let us know how we can help you, NS

[Moffit]

Re: Starting my quit

Hi [MENTION=24330]NoMoreIgnoring[/MENTION]

Jump in and introduce yourself in the Newbies Nest. I'm new and they are really friendly and supportive.

Hope to see you there!

Moffit

[NoMoreIgnoring]

Re: Starting my quit

Hi Folks

I did it.

Day 1 done.

Just to get any "I'm so strong" image out of the way...there was no bravado, there was no stoicism...there was a guy running around doing chores until the shops all closed. There's that saying "needs must". Unfortunately, I can't trust myself at the moment, that's one of the things that has contributed to the void I talked about earlier. It is so damaging to think that you can't trust yourself, whilst at the same time, you're trying to teach your kids the need for self discipline and to act in a manner that you can trust them. The hypocritical nature is so gutless.

So my day 1 strategy, do as many chores as possible to see me through until midnight, when all the local shops close. Gutless. But, "needs must".

It worked, I made it. But my goodness, come 9pm, I was itching. I had to fill my time. To the point were I polished my shoes 5 times, and my wife's boots. Seriously, five coats each! Kitchen looks like a dream! Even did some ironing for next week's shirts for work.

The 9pm piece though struck me. It was a default behaviour, this is my last chance to get some AL. My witching hour. Do it now; sneak out; say you are going for a cigarette; be outside for 10mins; but quickly race to the shop, she won't know; you'll be back in 9mins; you can make it; hide it behind the curtain; you'll find a new place for the empty bottle.

I didn't need the AL, there was no "I had a difficult day", "Things weighing on my mind" - it was just plain and simple, I'm lost if I don't do this habit and get the AL in me. Don't get me wrong; when I have a bad day, then that is a "reason", but what came to me tonight was the "Habit". Habit is a fundamental problem that I face. The thought of breaking that habit gave me anxiety, and then I immediately thought of the stresses of going to work tomorrow and the other stresses that life gives me. A self fulfilling circle. I did a breathing exercise, followed by talking a short sentence about what I happened to be physically doing at that point - helped keep it at bay to a degree.

First reflection I guess is that anxiety is perpetuating my use. I need to calm the mind down by distraction or whatever, to disrupt this.

I want self-respect too.

Thanks for reading.

Its a little later than last night; but this is my Day 2.

[NoSugar]

Re: Starting my quit

Great Job, NoMore! Congratulations on getting the 2 hardest days behind you.
You might find some things to consider in this thread: https://www.mywayout.org/community/g...on-thread.html and this book: The Little Book of Big Change Summary | Amy Johnson (PhD)
If nothing else, they might help keep you occupied during the tough times. Stay with it!

[Pavati]

Re: Starting my quit

Hi,

I welcomed you on the nest, but I did want to say that reading alcohol memoirs helped get me through. Some people find them triggering in the descriptions of drinking, but they all sounded so bad that they helped. Cleaning house is a good one.

Also, I spent a good long time wondering WHY this had happened to me before I realized that didn't really matter. We all have a why, but it boils down to the fact that for whatever reason you were vulnerable to alcohol. Others have anxiety, sadness, social awkwardness - you name it - and don't drink to excess, so that can't be the only reason. Ultimately, however, what matters is how you go forward from here. 15 minutes at a time. Can you tell your wife what's going on so she can support you when you have that urge to hit the shops??

I'll see you back in the nest. STAY Strong!