mae all...how are we today then? hope all is well in dingly dell.....well it was gonna happen thecold calli twhat you will caught me ...sore throat,blocked up nose...its one of the drawbacks of the aircon on the long haul...all those germs from folk getting launched throughout the plane ...still small price to pay ..Thats it home now cases unpacked and for the bin....they had a lifetime guarantee ..hope I last a bit longer than them..need some new ones for next trip...did a bit in the garden..strange how it all happens at once now got Julies dads ,SIL ,daughter and mine to do...I looked out the seeds I had to plant ...norra lot ..need to get some more tho to be honest I dont know what to plant up ..toms yes ,flowers yes ..anything else is caterpillar and slug fodder..its just started raining and those 2 are out playing ....better get them in ...
Funny Tales About Safe Working Procedures and Protocols
1. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
2. Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. 'Does anyone know,' I asked a few guys, 'what the speed limit is in our parking lot?'
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. 'That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?'
3. Safety Managers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief - Franz Kafka
4. What do you get if you put 100 Safety Managers in your basement? - A whine cellar
5. Two workmen were digging foundations when one of them started shouting and jumping about . The other one thought his partner had hit an underground power cable and was being electrocuted so following good health and safety practice used a shovel to separate him from the electricity.
Luckily for the first worker he wasn't getting an electric shock but was panicking after a wasp had flown up his trousers. Luckily he didn't get stung but the second worker hit him so hard with the shovel that his shoulder was dislocated.
6. A police 'safety officer' was visiting a primary school in a particularly rough area of Manchester, England.
'Why shouldn't you touch the oven door or the kettle?' he asked the assembled class.
A young girls hand shot into the air. 'Because you might leave fingerprints,' she answered.
7. A crowd gathered around at a woodworking trade show held at Fort Purbrook, Portsmouth and were watching a sales demonstration.
The demonstrator had an ordinary saw next to another which had a saw stopping safety device. He showed how each might work when it hit an operator's finger.
For simulation purposes he used a sausage as a substitute. Intrigued, a curious spectator stepped up for a closer look and was struck in the eye by a flying piece of debris.
With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go"! The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides".
"Why" asked the pilot?
"Because I'm a cameraman for CNN", he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots".
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor"?!
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car." his co-worker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years in prison."
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
“I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail.”
“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.”
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.”
“I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding… I don’t have a licence.”
“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.”
“One in four frogs is a leap frog.”
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.”
“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.
“My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.”
“My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.”
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.”
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”
“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.”
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”
“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.”
“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.”
“How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.”
“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.”
“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.”
“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.”
“I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.”
“I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.”
“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.”
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.
“My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally.
“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?”
“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.”
“I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.”
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.”
“Today… I did seven press ups: not in a row.”
“
“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.”
“Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.”
Funny Tales About Safe Working Procedures and Protocols
1. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
2. Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. 'Does anyone know,' I asked a few guys, 'what the speed limit is in our parking lot?'
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. 'That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?'
3. Safety Managers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief - Franz Kafka
4. What do you get if you put 100 Safety Managers in your basement? - A whine cellar
5. Two workmen were digging foundations when one of them started shouting and jumping about . The other one thought his partner had hit an underground power cable and was being electrocuted so following good health and safety practice used a shovel to separate him from the electricity.
Luckily for the first worker he wasn't getting an electric shock but was panicking after a wasp had flown up his trousers. Luckily he didn't get stung but the second worker hit him so hard with the shovel that his shoulder was dislocated.
6. A police 'safety officer' was visiting a primary school in a particularly rough area of Manchester, England.
'Why shouldn't you touch the oven door or the kettle?' he asked the assembled class.
A young girls hand shot into the air. 'Because you might leave fingerprints,' she answered.
7. A crowd gathered around at a woodworking trade show held at Fort Purbrook, Portsmouth and were watching a sales demonstration.
The demonstrator had an ordinary saw next to another which had a saw stopping safety device. He showed how each might work when it hit an operator's finger.
For simulation purposes he used a sausage as a substitute. Intrigued, a curious spectator stepped up for a closer look and was struck in the eye by a flying piece of debris.
With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go"! The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides".
"Why" asked the pilot?
"Because I'm a cameraman for CNN", he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots".
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor"?!
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car." his co-worker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years in prison."
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
“I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail.”
“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.”
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.”
“I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding… I don’t have a licence.”
“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.”
“One in four frogs is a leap frog.”
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.”
“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.
“My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.”
“My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.”
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.”
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”
“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.”
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”
“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.”
“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.”
“How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.”
“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.”
“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.”
“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.”
“I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.”
“I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.”
“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.”
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.
“My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally.
“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?”
“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.”
“I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.”
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.”
“Today… I did seven press ups: not in a row.”
“
“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.”
“Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.”
sorry about the cold but at least it hit after you got home,Lav,yep your grandsons current treatment doesn't seem to be working poor kid,I hope his parents get on it and get him some help soon,not fair for him or anyone else for him to be feeling like that,Sam,I heard shingles is terrible! Hope it's something else,off for another cup of coffee much love to all and wishes for a great BF Sunday!
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