hiya all from the sunny climes of the P eninnes ...actually rainy foggy but hey ..how are we all today then? good ..I got a static grass applicator for the railway...Static King by Woodland Scenics - YouTube cost a few bob ,but it is good .have we all had a good weekend?
What is it with these people that refuse to embrace modern technology?
Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
An Englishman walks into a bar.
The Welshman, Irishman and Scotsman all say "Well... where's the bloody cup then?"
I asked my French and German mates if they'd had enough of seance jokes.
They answered..."Oui"..."Ja"
A fellow walked into his doctor's office complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.
Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed it up the patient's ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next...
Every day up went a banana, waited one minute, then up went the cookie.
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said,
"Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's ass.
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"
**WHAM**
When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"
The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok".
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid".
The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.
The clerk then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?"
she asked."Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"
"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.
Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic".
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood.
The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.
He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish".
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin -- in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together ... an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies. "Look at this!!! Still in the CRATE!"
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you: that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate."
The preacher said, "No sh*t?"
#
1.) I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
2.) When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3.) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4.) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5.) All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6.) If all is not lost, where is it?
7.) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8.) If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9.) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10.) I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11.) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
12.) It was all so different before everything changed.
13.) Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
14.) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15.) Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
16.) A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17.) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
18.) Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
19.) It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
20.) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
21.) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
What is it with these people that refuse to embrace modern technology?
Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
An Englishman walks into a bar.
The Welshman, Irishman and Scotsman all say "Well... where's the bloody cup then?"
I asked my French and German mates if they'd had enough of seance jokes.
They answered..."Oui"..."Ja"
A fellow walked into his doctor's office complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.
Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed it up the patient's ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next...
Every day up went a banana, waited one minute, then up went the cookie.
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said,
"Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's ass.
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"
**WHAM**
When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"
The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok".
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid".
The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.
The clerk then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?"
she asked."Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"
"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.
Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic".
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood.
The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.
He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish".
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin -- in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together ... an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies. "Look at this!!! Still in the CRATE!"
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you: that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate."
The preacher said, "No sh*t?"
#
1.) I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
2.) When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3.) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4.) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5.) All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6.) If all is not lost, where is it?
7.) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8.) If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9.) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10.) I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11.) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
12.) It was all so different before everything changed.
13.) Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
14.) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15.) Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
16.) A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17.) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
18.) Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
19.) It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
20.) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
21.) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
had a good day yesterday took LB and her boyfriend out to breakfast then drove to the westside to go to our fave sandwich shop,the weather has been better than that nonsense last week! Mick that'll be cool for the trainset
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