So, I hope this works this time. I tried to post this twice, but my session times out and it doesn't tell me until after. So here goes again.
I found this site completely by accident. I'd tell you the website I found it on, but last night, like every night, I was pretty drunk when I found it.
I'm not sure what I was really looking for at the time, drunk surfing is my hobby of choice. Well, it is the ONLY thing I do anymore when I'm not working. I'm not sure what I was looking for at the time, but the article was about Baclofen. Not sure if I spelled that right. Anyway, that article had a link to this site.
I used to post on a site like this, many years ago. I think it must have been at least 6-7 years ago. But that site was abandoned for some reason or other. I looked for other sites like it, but found none.
Anyway, I decided to post something because I have a very serious drinking problem. I'll start sort of from the beginning.
I never really drank at all until I was in my late 20s. Even then, it was only occasional on the weekend or special occasions. That behavior continued for me until I was in my late 40s. But then my life changed. I moved to a new city for work. I really wanted to go somewhere because I felt really bored with my current locale. So I decided on a place where I had just picked up a really solid client that looked like a very good long term prospect. And I was not wrong about that. It's still my biggest client.
But I didn't really know anyone here. I never worried about that at all though. I needed new turf, just some fresh air. And that seemed to work out OK. But I did find it is not as easy when you move to a new place when you're nearly 50. Before I'd move to a new place and I had new friends almost instantly. But what I found now, is the people I worked with my age, they weren't looking for new friends. They were all married and they already had their own circles of friends. I met some people online and started going on some dates, but I still felt pretty lonely most of the time. As the weeks and months wore on, I really spent a lot of time alone in my apartment. Most of my time out was hanging out with new women I'd meet online and hanging out with them and their friends at bars and pubs. It just never really clicked for me though and the more I was here, the more lonely I felt.
I started drinking a lot more than I'd ever. Even during the week, which I'd never done. I never worried about it, I thought, this will pass and my life will get more interesting eventually and then I won't drink nearly as much, I don't have an issue anyway.
By the time I met my now wife, I was drinking every day. But then I thought, well, with her this will stop. It didn't stop. I was now addicted to alcohol. I tried to stop, but found it difficult. When I stopped I'd get really nervous. So I thought, no biggie, I'm a successful guy, I have a great girlfriend now.
Forward a few years, I'm now married. And I'm drinking more than ever. My new wife finally started to notice this and said she wanted me to stop drinking every day. I said 'sure, no problem'. But I did not, could not. But I still though everything was OK. Our relationship started to struggle, because I no longer wanted to do much of anything. I preferred staying home and drinking.
Forward more years to 2 years ago. I was now 59 years old and my health started to deteriorate and I could see my wife was unhappy most of the time. One morning I got out of bed and I knew something was wrong. I went to the office of my biggest client that day, but I was not well, and left early.
The next day, my wife said to me 'You don't look well, we need to see a doctor, your color is strange'. I said 'Nah, I'll be fine'. Then I started to just fall asleep sitting in the chair I was in. I remember my wife waking me up, crying, begging me to go to the hospital. I finally agreed. When we arrived I was in bad shape. My BP was 225/160 and I wasn't breathing too well. They admitted me right then and I was there about 10 days.
Now, I was drinking a LOT right before that. Beer, lots of beer, and whisky and vodka on top of it, sometimes as many as 20 beers a day and nearly a fifth of 80 proof liquor. So how, I was doing this, I was working from home most of the time, and so on those days and the weekend, I'd get so drunk I would just pass out almost every late afternoon. But I was doing real work, how I have no idea, but I did and still do. The alcohol was just too much for my heart and I'd went into heart failure. I could have died that day if my wife was not there. I probably would have just went to sleep and never woken up again because not enough oxygen was circulating in my system and everyone told me I looked sort of gray, nearly blue.
So, after I got out of the hospital, of course the doctors told me to not drink anymore. And I didn't, for about 2 months. Now here's the crazy thing, I was very angry all of the time. Not because I almost died, I was angry because I could not drink! Seriously, how crazy is that? But anyway, I was determined to prove that I could still drink, and I did.
I have tried everything to stop, but it lasts a month or two and I start again. I'm sure it's going to kill me. I feel so bad for my wife, she stuck with me and I'm still determined to kill myself. I don't know why, I don't want to die. I just want to drink even though I really don't want to drink. It's all crazy. Now I have no delusions that I will actually stop, I just keep praying for a miracle I guess. I thought posting would be doing something. Maybe only if it's somehow therapeutic. Thanks for listening.
I found this site completely by accident. I'd tell you the website I found it on, but last night, like every night, I was pretty drunk when I found it.
I'm not sure what I was really looking for at the time, drunk surfing is my hobby of choice. Well, it is the ONLY thing I do anymore when I'm not working. I'm not sure what I was looking for at the time, but the article was about Baclofen. Not sure if I spelled that right. Anyway, that article had a link to this site.
I used to post on a site like this, many years ago. I think it must have been at least 6-7 years ago. But that site was abandoned for some reason or other. I looked for other sites like it, but found none.
Anyway, I decided to post something because I have a very serious drinking problem. I'll start sort of from the beginning.
I never really drank at all until I was in my late 20s. Even then, it was only occasional on the weekend or special occasions. That behavior continued for me until I was in my late 40s. But then my life changed. I moved to a new city for work. I really wanted to go somewhere because I felt really bored with my current locale. So I decided on a place where I had just picked up a really solid client that looked like a very good long term prospect. And I was not wrong about that. It's still my biggest client.
But I didn't really know anyone here. I never worried about that at all though. I needed new turf, just some fresh air. And that seemed to work out OK. But I did find it is not as easy when you move to a new place when you're nearly 50. Before I'd move to a new place and I had new friends almost instantly. But what I found now, is the people I worked with my age, they weren't looking for new friends. They were all married and they already had their own circles of friends. I met some people online and started going on some dates, but I still felt pretty lonely most of the time. As the weeks and months wore on, I really spent a lot of time alone in my apartment. Most of my time out was hanging out with new women I'd meet online and hanging out with them and their friends at bars and pubs. It just never really clicked for me though and the more I was here, the more lonely I felt.
I started drinking a lot more than I'd ever. Even during the week, which I'd never done. I never worried about it, I thought, this will pass and my life will get more interesting eventually and then I won't drink nearly as much, I don't have an issue anyway.
By the time I met my now wife, I was drinking every day. But then I thought, well, with her this will stop. It didn't stop. I was now addicted to alcohol. I tried to stop, but found it difficult. When I stopped I'd get really nervous. So I thought, no biggie, I'm a successful guy, I have a great girlfriend now.
Forward a few years, I'm now married. And I'm drinking more than ever. My new wife finally started to notice this and said she wanted me to stop drinking every day. I said 'sure, no problem'. But I did not, could not. But I still though everything was OK. Our relationship started to struggle, because I no longer wanted to do much of anything. I preferred staying home and drinking.
Forward more years to 2 years ago. I was now 59 years old and my health started to deteriorate and I could see my wife was unhappy most of the time. One morning I got out of bed and I knew something was wrong. I went to the office of my biggest client that day, but I was not well, and left early.
The next day, my wife said to me 'You don't look well, we need to see a doctor, your color is strange'. I said 'Nah, I'll be fine'. Then I started to just fall asleep sitting in the chair I was in. I remember my wife waking me up, crying, begging me to go to the hospital. I finally agreed. When we arrived I was in bad shape. My BP was 225/160 and I wasn't breathing too well. They admitted me right then and I was there about 10 days.
Now, I was drinking a LOT right before that. Beer, lots of beer, and whisky and vodka on top of it, sometimes as many as 20 beers a day and nearly a fifth of 80 proof liquor. So how, I was doing this, I was working from home most of the time, and so on those days and the weekend, I'd get so drunk I would just pass out almost every late afternoon. But I was doing real work, how I have no idea, but I did and still do. The alcohol was just too much for my heart and I'd went into heart failure. I could have died that day if my wife was not there. I probably would have just went to sleep and never woken up again because not enough oxygen was circulating in my system and everyone told me I looked sort of gray, nearly blue.
So, after I got out of the hospital, of course the doctors told me to not drink anymore. And I didn't, for about 2 months. Now here's the crazy thing, I was very angry all of the time. Not because I almost died, I was angry because I could not drink! Seriously, how crazy is that? But anyway, I was determined to prove that I could still drink, and I did.
I have tried everything to stop, but it lasts a month or two and I start again. I'm sure it's going to kill me. I feel so bad for my wife, she stuck with me and I'm still determined to kill myself. I don't know why, I don't want to die. I just want to drink even though I really don't want to drink. It's all crazy. Now I have no delusions that I will actually stop, I just keep praying for a miracle I guess. I thought posting would be doing something. Maybe only if it's somehow therapeutic. Thanks for listening.
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